Assignment 2, review2

Review By: Sandy/Hope Whisperer (56)
In Affiliation With: The Perfect 10: Student Roster
Date and Time: 05-01-11 @ 2:06am
Public/Private: Public
Reviewer's Rating: (4.0)
Review Length: 3,882 Characters | 3,293 w/o WritingML
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Hello Holly Marie! After reading "Deadly Encounter " , I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please use. Anything you feel distracts from your work please disregard. You are after all the author.

I am reviewing your work as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy!

DISCLAIMER:I am not a professional critic or editor so please accept my views as an opinion. I wish only to offer encouragement and share some of the skills WDC has taught me.

Storyline:You have chosen a storyline that can be developed into more than just a short story. I believe this is your plan as there is a continuation date at the end of the story. I anxiously await the next chapter.

First Impression:
You have the beginning of an interesting tale. It needs some work, but seldom does an author not have to do much editing and rewriting to have a good story turned into a great one.

What Imagery/Emotion:
You have interjected imagery and emotion into this tale. It is not excellent, but a very good start. This comes with practice, reading more, practice, writing, practice....


Suggestions:
Your story would have a better visual appeal and be easier to read if you double space between paragraphs of your work.

in a motion she wished sheher father had taught her.


Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:{/ c}
[but did the best] You need to add the word "her" after but

[And it would be almost impossible] Try changing this to: It would also be almost impossible...

... around the town. “I can do this,” she told herself, tightening... You have several places in your work where you have an excessive number of spaces between sentences. I find some of these simply need the gap closed. Some, as is the case in the one I chose here should actually start another paragraph.

You need to go back, read this story and look for areas you can eliminate some commas and semi-colons to form shorter sentences. This will help to add clarity to your tale.
EXAMPLE:His first response was that of shock, at first, and then a smirk planted on his crisp, refined features.

NOTE: I have a problem with this area of my personal writing. I am planning to take a course offered by Writing.Com's New Horizons Academy. Perhaps I will see you there and we can learn together.


Her grace, as she progressed, surpassed his own. His own is an example of reflexive pronoun use. Consider revising it.

You have a few cases of needing to either captalize a word or change a capital letter to a lowercase one. Simply reading back over the work will help you to detect these minor errors.

starred should be stared
incepted should be intercepted

And The Verdict Is:I rate your story as 4.0. You have a strong storyline and good characters. Your punctuation needs improvement. May I suggest taking advantage of WDC opportunities: ID: 1765768 (Rated: E)
New Horizons - Registration OPEN!
Courses: WDC Navigation, Punctuation/Grammar, Fiction, Stage Plays, Characters & Reviewing
by Boos girl (78)
ID: 1734697 (Rated: 13+)
Rockin Review Course Catalog
List of available classes for the Rockin Review Academy.
by Hannah (301)


I would also like to recommend checking out some of the groups WDC offers. There are many to choose from. They offer support and suggestions to improve our skills in writing and reviewing. One of my favorites for Newbies is:
ID: 1510308 (Rated: 13+)
The Paper Doll Gang Home Page
A group to encourage, review, reward and befriend Newbies.
by Hannah (301)





Sandy/WhisperingHope