The Atticon Team Downs Tools Once More

Character List and Cast (in order of Appearance)

NARRATOR

FIRST FBI MAN

DELANEY

SECOND FBI AGENT

THIRD FBI AGENT

FOURTH FBI AGENT

FIFTH FBI AGENT



Scene One: In a gun shop

NARRATOR:

The scene is a gun shop in the USA and the plot (what there is of it) is that federal agents are investigating the shopkeeper’s excessive orders of paramilitary-style weaponry.  The shopkeeper’s name is DELANEY and the agents’ names are legion because they are as many as the remaining cast.

The play opens with …

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          Knock.

•          Knock.

•          Knock.

•          Knock.

•          Knock.

•          Knock.            <SFX>

… a slightly hollow knocking sound.

FIRST FBI MAN:

(sharply)

Open up! FBI!

DELANEY:

(muffledly)

Pull the other; it’s got bells on.

NARRATOR:

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          Ring.

•          Ring.

•          Ring.

•          Ring.

•          Ring.            <SFX>

Possibly a bicycle bell.

DELANEY:

(still muffled)

Okay, okay, I’m coming.  Who is it?

FIRST FBI MAN:

(impatiently)

I told you; it’s the FBI.

DELANEY:

(still muffled by the firmly closed door)

A kid said that last week and I didn’t let him in either.

SECOND FBI AGENT:

He’s telling the truth.  Here’s our ID card.

NARRATOR:

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          Sound of letter box opening and dropping closed

•          followed by door opening and

•          slamming sounds (DELANEY slammed against wall, federal issue gun slammed against his throat, door slammed behind last FBI agent to come in)

•          plus lots of hurried footsteps.            <SFX>

THIRD FBI AGENT:

(muffled)

Ow.  Let me in.

NARRATOR:

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          Sound of door opening again and closing, quietly this time.            <SFX>

THIRD FBI AGENT:

(angrily)

You slammed that door on my fingers.  I’ll have bruises there in the morning.

FOURTH FBI AGENT:

(apologetically)

Sorry.

THIRD FBI AGENT:

(sulkily)

You ought to be.

FIFTH FBI AGENT:

(sympathetically)

Want me to kiss it better?

THIRD FBI AGENT:

(aghast)

Of course not!

FIFTH FBI AGENT:

(snappily)

Well shut up about it then.  We’ve a prisoner to interrogate here.

DELANEY:

(sounding strangled)

What do you want?

(even more strangledly)

Mmmf.

FIRST FBI MAN:

Wait till you’re asked.  We haven’t determined your part in this fiasco yet.

DELANEY:

(surprised)

My part in mmmf?!

SECOND FBI AGENT:

We’re talking about massive consumption of paramilitary-style weapons.  You sell a lot of rocket launchers?

DELANEY:

(clearly, because the hand has now been removed from his mouth)

Oh yes.  I do a brisk trade with Mr Lee from the Chinese laundry.

THIRD FBI AGENT:

(still nursing his injured hand)

Rocket launchers in a Chinese laundry?  What does Mr Lee use them for?

DELANEY:

He gives firework displays for the Chinese New Year and bonfire night.  Rocket launchers are safer than milk bottles.

FOURTH FBI AGENT:

(sarcastically)

I bet they are.

NARRATOR:

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          Sound of fourth FBI agent ticking rocket launchers off the list on his clipboard.            <SFX>

FOURTH FBI AGENT:

(trying to catch Delaney out)

Who do you sell bazookas to?

DELANEY:

Mr Smith’s grouse hunting club.  For a biggish bird, they take a lot of catching.

FIFTH FBI AGENT:

He uses bazookas to hunt grouse?

DELANEY:

Sure does.

FIFTH FBI AGENT:

Can’t go far on his dinner table.  He must have to buy meat in.

SECOND FBI AGENT:

Let’s see you explain the automatic rifles.

NARRATOR:

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          Sound of bazookas being ticked off the list.            <SFX>

DELANEY:

It’s a newspaper seller who keeps ordering the automatics and ammunition because he has a lot of trouble from people who take the papers without paying for them.  He says anybody’ll pay for papers with an automatic aimed at their head, even people who weren’t thinking of buying one.

NARRATOR:

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          Sound of a tick.            <SFX>

FIRST FBI MAN:

What about the grenades, clever clogs?  How do you account for selling seventy-nine cases last month alone?

DELANEY:

It’s the hot dog man in Central Park.  They discourage muggers from stealing his takings.

NARRATOR:

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          The beginning of a tick.            <SFX>

SECOND FBI AGENT:

(interrupting)

Not so fast, Smartypants.  He wouldn’t need above sixty cases for a month.  What does he want the other nineteen for?

DELANEY:

He’s going to be out of state a couple of days longer this time and the extra grenades are to tide him over till he gets back.

NARRATOR:

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          End of tick.            <SFX>

FIFTH FBI AGENT:

(evenly)

It looks as if the Colonel’s wrong about this being the Atticon Team’s supply depot.  I suggest we investigate that suspect theatrical costumier this afternoon if nobody’s anything better to do.

FOURTH FBI AGENT:

There’s still the small matter of a thirty-eight magnum and a clip of bullets.

DELANEY:

I’ve got that in my shoulder holster, here.

THIRD FBI AGENT:

Look out!  He’s got a gun!

DELANEY:

Of course I’ve got a gun.  This is a gun shop; I’ve got to defend my stock against thieves.

FIRST FBI MAN:

I call that insufficient reason and propose we arrest him.

SECOND FBI AGENT:

I second that action.

FOURTH FBI AGENT:

So do I.

DELANEY:

Wait a minute, guys.  This is a set-up.

NARRATOR:

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          Sounds of a struggle and someone (probably DELANEY) being dragged towards the opening door.            <SFX>

DELANEY:

I haven’t done anything wrong.

NARRATOR:

<Spoken or sound FX>

•          Door slams shut.            <SFX>

DELANEY:

(muffled)

I can tell you anything you want to know.

FIRST FBI MAN:

(also muffled)

It’s too late for that, mister.  You should have told us when you had the chance.

The End – Fin – etc.

NARRATOR:

The curtain falls … or was it pushed?

REST OF CAST:

(groans)