Perfect 10, Assignment 1

Dear Anonymous,

I am reviewing Your Anonymous Work as a student for the Rockin Gift Station.

Synopsis:

A fantasy short story from the perspective of Arok, a member of the Principality, who is finally allowed to attend the ceremony where she can give her vow to dedicate her life to good.

First Impression:

Your short story presented an interesting read. I am curious if this was a work of completely new creation, or if your story was a recreation or symbol of an initiation you went through personally. Specifically, with your references to 'Angels' I thought that perhaps this was a story about when YOU became an Angel (perhaps on WDC?). Either way, your creativity and/or personal experiences are a great source of inspiration as a writer.

Comments/Suggestions:

The downside to using personal experiences as a basis for creativity is that you are going to be much more familiar with your story than the readers. Part of the work of being a writer is to help familiarize your readers with the events you remember so vividly. In this particular story there are quite a few questions that I am certain you have the answer to but I, as a reader, am still curious.
-Who are the Principals?
-Who are the Dominions?
-How do these two groups work together?
-Who is Ladan and Noella?
-What are Angels in your story?

Here's something else to think about. Your story comes off as very conversational. I imagine most of your writings are similar. This is actually a pretty strong advantage as a dramatic author. This short story doesn't have much by way of dialogue, which is fine. I think you could hone your skills at writing dialogue with some practice, since you're already well along that path. Focus on separating more formal descriptions of action and events from the conversational dialogue. I think you could do some very creative work by exploring the different perspectives you can tell the story from. You could stick with the first-person perspective, but should probably use some way to set apart Armok's thoughts. (I've seen people use italics or even bold text.) You could write in a past-tense, as if it were Armok's diary entries. Perhaps you would even consider using third-person, whatever works best for your story.

Grammar/Punctuation:

I am going to try something different with grammar and punctuation with this review. Since this is a rough draft, instead of pointing out specific changes that I'd recommend, I'll give you a few grammar/punctuation rules that I think you should focus one while you look for ways to improve your story.

*Capitalization - There were a couple instances where you missed capitalizing the first letter of a sentence or the instances of single 'I's. Even contractions get capitalized if you are combining 'I' with something else. (e.g. I've, I'd, I'm, etc) Don't forget to capitalize proper nouns as well! (Take a look at my favorite {x-url:http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/understanding-capitalization.aspx}Grammar Girl{/x-link}

*Shorthand - When your brain works faster than you can type and/or write (which happens a lot with creative writers) many people use shorthand to get their ideas down. It's important to go back and fix these shortcuts. I saw a few examples in your story where you replaced 'you' with 'u' and 'could' with 'cud'. Don't shortchange yourself! These are simply spelling shortcuts. There are probably other areas where you condensed an entire detailed scene into a few words to get it out of your head quick enough. Go back and bring out the details!

*Spelling - I lied. There is ONE specific thing I wanted to show you, simply because it's easy to gloss over (and spell-check won't catch it). You used the word 'isle' (island) instead of 'aisle' in the first line.

Closing Thoughts:

I rated your story the way I did because it is a rough draft. You have the makings of a good story. Even with a number of mechanical problems, the story still flows fairly well from beginning to end. With some study of grammar and punctuation you should be able to smooth out the story. It will take some work, but keep at it, post your edits for further review, and the WDC community will be here to help you every step of the way!

Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity. - G. K. Chesterton