Perfect 10: Week 3

Dear anonymous writer,

I am reviewing anonymous item as a student for the Rockin Gift Station.

Synopsis:

A man who is well-acquainted with the many homeless people in his city has an unfortunate run-in with one of them.

First Impression:

This was a very difficult piece to review. First, and foremost, I want you to understand that my opinions are just that, my opinions. They aren't meant to make you like your work isn't good enough or well-written. In fact, I felt a certain amount of poetry while reading through your short story. I strongly disliked the story, as it is written, from a content perspective. I will do my best to separate my personal opinions out and provide an unbiased review. I will need your help as well. Please, do not take my comments personally.

Your story touches on a very sensitive human topic. The situation of homeless people is very unfortunate, and the inattentiveness of other people to their situation. Many people have written on this topic, but few have gone to such extremes. What I have to ask: What is your purpose for writing this story?

I ask this because I feel that it's the story's biggest problem. A clear message is important! I honestly can't tell if you're trying to point out your distaste for homeless people, or a distaste for the way they are treated by others. Now, I recognize the shock-value of twisting the end of the story, but I think you need to identify and present your message to the reader better. I will offer a few suggestions below.

Outside of the message, I was impressed at how well the story flowed from beginning to end. If your story was music, I would put it in the 'easy-listening' category. From beginning to end the story kept the same pace and emotional depth. This is a pretty good testament to your writing skill, but without some diversity can make a story uninteresting. Until the final paragraph, there really wasn't any rising or falling action. Many writers are unable to effectively control the pace of their story. As a result, their stories tend to skip around, bring the reader up and down emotionally, and essentially take their audience on a roller-coaster ride of reaction and anticipation. The fact that you were able to maintain an even keel (forgive the Naval expression) means you have excellent control over your story. You should exercise that control a bit more. Again, I will offer some suggestions below.

Comments/Suggestions:

There are two main aspects of your story that I'd like to offer some suggestions. Your presentation of your message and the flow of the story.

My suggestions for the message are pretty simple. I think you should make the message more obvious, at some point in your story. I will assume you're taking the more human interest stance on homelessness. If I missed the mark, then please consider these thoughts in the right context.

The way I see the story, you have two options. Each has pros and cons, of course, First, you can reveal your message early. This would allow your readers time to connect with your point of view and give you time to reenforce the message. The downside is that it removes the bang at the end, where you would twist the reader's point of view around to where you want them to be. Second, you can reveal your message later. This would allow you to provide a greater shock to your readers when you bring in the twist. It's harder to write this way, but can have greater effect. If you want to take the second route, you should take advantage of the time after the twist. After you've let the cat out of the bag, there's no reason you can't continue the story a few more paragraphs and use that time to reenforce your message.

No pun intended, however, but this flows quite well into the next topic. Depending on which direction you chose to illustrate your message leads you into a decision about flow. If you choose to reveal your message as a twist near the end, then a constant rising tension will work well. Let your reader know SOMETHING is going to happen, then surprise them with WHAT. If you choose to reveal your twist sooner, you'll need to have an additional conflict/climax to build towards. Don't forget the falling action!

Grammar/Punctuation:

Your piece takes on a very narrative style. I think this works well with connecting the reader to the character, setting him up for the eventual plot twist. Specifically, the line, ...all of a sudden the business district is covered in ratty, shambling leeches, all reeking of their own filth. Wanting money. My money. works really well. Using a narrative style frees an author up from following the vast majority of grammatical rules. I would caution you, though, in deviating too far from the 'right' way to write.

Someone once said, 'A good artist doesn't always follow the rules, but always has a good reason not to.' I think this is something you could consider taking to heart. There are many examples where you don't 'follow the rules'. The question I think you need to ask...do you have a reason?

Examples (think about whether or not you have a good reason to break the rules):
Another month, and I stop acknowledging them all together. (Sentence Fragment)
I could go home. “Could”. HA. As if it was a choice. (You could write these sentences properly, why did you chose not to? Was there a good reason?)
Wanting money. My money. And now... (Why not say, 'Wanting money...MY money. Now...' Proper grammar, same message. Is there a reason to break the rules?)
Sometimes I hate this city. I really do. (Again a sentence fragment. You use these often. If you have a reason, that's perfectly acceptable. If not, why do it?)

Closing Thoughts:

Your story, the way it is written, approaches what some would consider offensive. This can be used to great effect, if done properly. I think you're close, but not quite there. Make your message more obvious, and control the rising/falling emotional impact of the story. This will bring you significantly closer. You've got a good foundation, here. Put a little more work into it, and get as much feedback as possible! Write on!

Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity. - G. K. Chesterton