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| >> Static Item >> Review >> Writing >> ID #1783684 |   |
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I inadvertently failed to check "Public" on my three June, 2011 Reviews
 . I'm copying and pasting them below, and thanks to all who brought this to my attention!  .Review of:
Review By: Of Fire Born in... (102) In Affiliation With: Active Rising Stars, 2006-2011 Date and Time: 06-04-11 @ 2:36pm Public/Private: Private Reviewer's Rating: (4.0) Review Length: 4,090 Characters | 3,964 w/o WritingML This is an aptly titled, psychological thriller of a tale that grabs readers' full attention with its very first line and holds on tight to its very last! intheventofire (8) demonstrates remarkable skill in his endeavors in the Mystery Writing genre with this very intriguing and ultimately incredibly satisfying tale! Please bear in mind that ALL suggestions to follow are merely that, each representing relatively minor "fixes" and "tweaks" to tighten up and further polish an already fabulous piece of fiction! You may wish to revisit and edit your story in terms of spell-checking and revamping several comma-facilitated run-on sentences. Some spelling/typo/punctuation/examples include: and the police wee treating the blaze / She out her gloves back on, / Joe would have sacked her n the spot, / She'd hadn't meant to kill him, not a first at least, She nearly changed the channel, but something held her back, (need a period here and to then capitalize "Maybe" to eliminate run-on sentence) they'd fixed the bridge . / There was nothing out there, (Deleting comma would eliminate would a run-on sentence here) but trees and hill. Possible content tweaks for clarity/continuity: Paragraph 4 - Harry had stopped his payments and the bank were threatening to withdraw her mortgage and Joe had made it very clear. "Late again and you're out," he'd said and Joe didn't give second chances. ~ Consider eliminating run-on sentences and possibly clarifying who "Harry is" by saying something like, "Harry, her ex-husband, had stopped payments..." so that the reader is not distracted by trying to sort through other named characters to determine who he is. Paragraph 9 - She relaxed a little as the reporter made another emotional appeal for information on some missing kids. She caught her selfish thoughts too late. ~ You might wish to elaborate/flesh out to what selfish thoughts you are referring. Paragraph 11 - She had just retrieved the remote when the phone rang, instinctively she held it to her ear and tried to answer. The gesture brought a welcome moment of joy to her and she actually felt a smile form on her face, the muscles in her lip actually hurt a little and it dawned on her that she hadn't smiled much recently. ~ You might replace comma with the word "and" here and/or utilizing an adverb such as "reflexively" rather than "instinctively" so that it is made clear to the reader that your character initially attempted to answer the remote instead of the phone - otherwise the reason for her moment of levity is unclear and the final sentence of the paragraph appears to be redundant/out of sequence. Paragraph 14 - "You seen the news." Mary stiffened like a statue and held the receiver even closer, as if she could somehow contain the information she was dreading between her and the phone. "No Joe what did it say?" ~ In the first sentence, adding a question mark at end of sentence eliminates what otherwise would appear to be the wrong tense of the word "seen" if the sentence is left to stand as declarative. In the final sentence, you might wish to add commas between, "No, Joe, what did it say?" Paragraph 25 - You mention that the shed smells of blood, like your heroine's hands. You might wish to flesh out why the shed smells this way, given what info follows in Paragraph 26. Paragraph 27 - You might want to insert the word "twin" before "boys" so the reader makes a more immediate climactic connection Paragraph 28 - Consider making this into two short, more drama-laden sentences instead of one run-on by placing a period after "spoke" and capitalizing "They". Again, let me emphasize that the above are only SUGGESTIONS, and all very minor in nature. Your story is phenomenally imaginative, artfully penned, and clearly demonstrative of fantastic talent. This was a great reading experience and I'll be returning to partake of additional delicious helpings of your Port's wares! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Review of:
Review By: Of Fire Born in... (102) In Affiliation With: Active Rising Stars, 2006-2011 Date and Time: 06-04-11 @ 4:42pm Public/Private: Private Reviewer's Rating: (5.0) Review Length: 1,834 Characters | 1,743 w/o WritingML This captivating piece is without question THE best offering of free verse poetry I've had the privilege of reading in many a moon. In it beautifully penned stanzas, Just an Ordinary Jyo (261) demonstrates absolute mastery of the art of "painting" with words. Handily rivaling even the most evocative, breathtaking hues and texture master artisans are able to render by brush, Just an Ordinary Jyo (261) 's words rise to an even loftier pinnacle in terms of imagery so vivid as to awaken and inspire each and every human sensory receptor. As skillfully as any of the Greats of the past where poetry is concerned, Just an Ordinary Jyo (261) infuses herein aspects of nature so palpable as to transport the reader to the sea's very shores, where we may consummately hear, touch, taste, inhale, and, in our mind's eye, observe, the magnificent sea, it's lunar commander, and those portions of terra earth the sea, in turn, commands. I am absolutely reveling in the beauty of this piece, savoring to their very marrow amazingly crafted phrases such as "stroke the smooth cheeked pebbles", White capped waves gambol", and "Cracks the sun’s rays caused to ache whene’er they are dry". And though it's immensely difficult to chose a favorite stanza among so many of such excellence, I think, perhaps, it is this: Then, whispers soft the gibbous moon, and draws in her net of silver strands; the waves recede reluctantly, with one last kiss to the wet sands. ...And in the final stanza comes the author's last but by no means least gift; one which calls for contemplation and self-examination. I'll not deny you the pleasure by revealing all here ~ you must savor both it and its genesis for yourself! THANK you, Just an Ordinary Jyo (261) , for a a superb (and most definitely bookmarked ) reading experience! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Review of:
Review By: Of Fire Born in... (102) Date and Time: 06-04-11 @ 5:19pm Public/Private: Private Reviewer's Rating: (4.5) Review Length: 925 Characters | 897 w/o WritingML This is a marvellous poem that is at once a call to the humanity's collective conscience and a prophesy of how humanity may bring about it's own demise and the destruction of Mother Earth. Regal in its simplicity and resplendent in it's honest, forthright eloquence, this poem is a must read for all of us who share an existence on this majestic planetary gift from God. It represents near perfection in metre, rhythm, rhyme, and amazing imagery, and I have only two very minor suggestions: 1. In line 1 of the second stanza, you may wish to insert a comma between the words "death" and "it" 2. In line 3 of the third stanza, wording such as "brings me tears" might improve the metre and rhythm of the stanza All in all, this is an extraordinarily insightful, thought-provoking, cautionary piece to which all in this world should hearken and take heed. Well done, Poppy Moss (5) ... WELL DONE!
© Copyright 2011 Of Fire Born ~ welcome, 2012! (UN: of_fire_born at Writing.Com).
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