|Romeo and Juliet: Rewritten
Act 2: Scene 2
JULIET: Romeo, Romeo, why do you have to be a Montague? Romeo, change your name, but if it’s too much trouble, I’ll change mine.
ROMEO: Do I tell her I am here? Or do I just keep hiding in the bushes?
JULIET: Do you have to be a Montague? Your name isn’t who you are. Without Montague, you’ll still be mine, my love.
ROMEO: I believe you. Just tell me you love me and I’ll get rid of it.
JULIET: Who’s there? Tell me or I’ll call the cops!
ROMEO: You asked for a name, but I don’t know what to give; you don’t like my name.
JULIET: I haven’t heard many words fall from your lips, but already I know your voice. Is it you Romeo?
ROMEO: No longer Romeo, if the name displeases you.
JULIET: How’d you get here? If my family finds you here, they’ll kill you.
ROMEO: For love, the wall was no obstacle, for nothing is too much for love. As for your family, I would face twenty of them, for you.
JULIET: I would do anything so you would not have to do so.
ROMEO: My love, I have night to hide me. I don’t fear them, for I would rather die than live without your love.
JULIET: Anyway, how’d you find my house?
ROMEO: For the sake of love, I could find you anywhere. Except the bathroom ‘cause that’d just be awkward.
JULIET: You can’t see me but I’m blushing. I wish you’d let me know that you were listening, so that I could’ve kept the truth from you a while longer. So that you could have taken me on a date and I could have pretended to be frigid, play a little hard to get. But now that you know of my love, I hope you don’t find me loose for loving you so easily. Now that you know I love you, I have to ask: do you love me?
ROMEO: I swear upon the lamppost, which bravely lights the night that I love you.
JULIET: A lamppost? My dearest Romeo, swear not by the lamppost which turns on and off by night and day. Do you not know that even a lamppost begins to rust?
ROMEO: Then I’ll swear by the cobblestones; those things never change!
JULIET: Swear on your life.
ROMEO: I swear upon the burning desire of my –
JULIET: Never mind. You need to back off. This is all going a bit too fast and if we’re not careful, it will all be over before it’s begun. Good night.
ROMEO: Seriously? You’re leaving me like this? I crawled through poison ivy and stood in your rose bush for, like, an hour. You’re going to leave me with these thorns to pull out and these itches to scratch?
JULIET: Romeo darling, you are perfectly capable of scratching your own itches.
ROMEO: But they could so easily be soothed by your loving hand.
JULIET: And I would readily sooth it, but –
NURSE [from within]: Juliet!
JULIET: Just a minute! As I was saying –
NURSE [from within]: Juliet, what did I tell about spying on that nice man across the street?
JULIET: Um, just a minute, Romeo.
ROMEO: Could it be true? Could she love me? It must be a dream!
JULIET: Sorry about that. What was I saying?
ROMEO: You were saying nothing while I was proclaiming my love for you. Juliet, I love you!
JULIET: I love you too, my dearest Romeo, but this is all a bit sudden, so good bye.
[Juliet turns to leave]
ROMEO: Juliet, I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!
JULIET: Oh! Then we must be married! I’ll send someone over tomorrow with the arrangements, but you really need to go now.
ROMEO: It is so easy to come to my love, but so hard to leave her.
JULIET: I keep trying to leave you out here, but time and time again I find myself drawn back to you. Are you still there Romeo?
ROMEO: Yes Juliet, I am here, and I will remain so, my love, until the light in your window has gone dark.
JULIET: Then we may be here forever. What time can I send the arrangements tomorrow? 10’o’clock?
ROMEO: No, no! I don’t get up until noon. How about around 3?
JULIET: It is past time that you leave. I will see you soon my love.
ROMEO: I wish that I were a bed bug that feasts upon your sweet skin and is warmed by your heated body while you sleep.
JULIET: I wish the same, my Romeo. For the last time, good night.
ROMEO: Sleep well, my love.