Maybe, Maybe Not

Maybe, Maybe Not

I had to ask myself
finally,
do I yearn for you so much
because
you are so hard to get
or is it because
I see the potential that can be reached
when I finally get you to myself
long enough
to tell you that I still need you in my life.

Maybe,

I’ve been chasing your shadow so long
I never even stopped to ask you
if your shadow forgot to tell you that I called
or that sometimes
I trip in the chase of you, and skin my pride,
because I know your shadow sees me, but you keep walking away from me
and toward
whatever commitments your shadow has made for you that you now must fulfill. 
Don’t get me wrong, had you seen me fall, or heard me call your name,
I know
you would have been there to lift me up again,
to clean my wound, to wipe my tears. 
That brings me to another question.
Would it have been easier had I been able to blame you for being callous, uncaring?

Maybe.

It's that shadow, you see,
that shadow who also forgot to mention that I see him sometimes,
hovering behind my husband when he’s had a hard day,
when I reach for him,
and he's already
slipped
into his cave and I hear my mother's warnings,
tales of seeing her own father's shadow,
the one who always worked overtime,
but not
always at the office.  Something about another woman.
Or maybe
his priorities were just a little skewed.

And so I ask another question.
Have I followed in my mother’s footsteps
without learning, as she eventually did, how to
let go
of a man who does not wish to be found?

Maybe.
Maybe not.

Or maybe I truly believe that
nothing hiding
is truly gone. 
Sometimes,
a little light can hide the shadow
and enlighten the man hiding behind it. 
Maybe,
its worth a try.