A Sample Review

On 5/31/11, I wrote a review of:

ID: 1739504 Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. by Not Available.

I was harsher in this review than I am normally. DreadStorm is someone that I "know" through this site. He is a very direct, pull-no-punches kind of person so that is the kind of public review that I wrote for him.

Here it is:

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"Invalid Item" 

What will you find if you read A Challenge ...  ?

Sadly, what you will find is a thought-provoking but poorly written opinion piece. I say “sadly” because DreadStorm is a WDC friend. As a friend, I know that he can write much better than this. If you want to know what I mean, visit his port and compare the way he writes in his fiction items to the way he writes in "Invalid Item"  and "20+ Questions: God, Man, and The Devil"  (another of his opinion pieces).

I believe that if we want to be taken seriously and have an impact on our readers with our writing, we need to use our abilities as writers in our non-fiction writing just as much as we would in fiction. DreadStorm has not done this.

Although I believe that there are some nuggets worthy of our consideration in A Challenge ...  , they are buried in inferior writing and a lot of unnecessary commentary.

What do I mean by unnecessary commentary? Well, for one thing, A Challenge ...   is essentially a list a questions we can ask ourselves. That is the core of this piece but DreadStorm spends most of the time in his introduction writing about other things. What he has written does a poor job of introducing his subject matter. In fact, in might be better to leave that part out completely because not only does it not introduce the subject well, it detracts from it!

DreadStorm spends a lot of time in his introduction telling us that he is blunt and to the point and doesn’t sugarcoat things. He does not need to tell us that. It will quickly become apparent to all but the dullest of readers.

What else does he say in that introduction? He starts by declaring as a fact that: “Christianity really does have a bad name for itself all around the world.” What is my response as a reader? I question whether that is a fact. It might be . . . it might not be . . . but what has happened as I read this? Was I moved closer to looking at DreadStorm’s list of questions? No.

This kind of statement could be used to introduce the list if it was in some way tied directly to the list. This statement is not even well supported as a topic sentence of this first paragraph.

There are some other things in DreadStorm’s introduction that could work if they were polished up and tied to the idea of self-examination. He asks, “How do we start?” and goes on to encourage us to remember and reflect on the Sovereignty of GOD. He writes: “He is eternal, and He is more than the human mind can begin to comprehend.”

My favorite part of his introduction is:

“He really does want you . . . He wants you - He wants your love, your obedience, and your devotion. He wants you to love Him more than you even love your own children or your spouse. He wants to be the first thing you think about when you wake up, and the last thing you think about at night. He wants you to spend time with Him, talking to him. He wants you to be His friend, His companion, His servant, and His worshiper.”

I truly love reading those words.

In the last paragraph of the introduction, DreadStorm expresses his feelings about Christians being separated by denominational lines. He writes: “My point is it's long past time to drop the separations”. This is a good subject for discussion but, once again, I don’t really think that there is anything in this paragraph that adds to A Challenge ...   and helps introduce us to the body of the article – the list of questions.

Here is that list:

1. Do you believe in anything regarding God, that is
    not in scripture (The Bible)?

2. Do you pray to anyone except God the Father?

3. When you do good, or give something, do you expect
    something in return?

4. When you look at someone, do you try to categorize
    them (label them, or hold them in high regard)"?

5. When someone tells you something you need to know
    (good or bad) do you get offended?

6. When you look at something (or someone) do you
    often wish you had it (them)?

7. Do you practice anything that would have you clear
     (blank) your mind?

8. Are you superstitious? Do you read horoscopes or
    subscribe to astrology?

9. Do you have a tendency to overlook a white lie, as
    opposed to someone that murders?

10. Do you believe everyone should all just get along?

You will notice that I have taken the time to format that as a bulleted list. DreadStorm did not. The appearance of this list in his item is not as clean and neat as it is here. I believe that appearance is important and either adds to or takes away from a piece of writing. For example, as I read God’s Story by Anne Graham Lotz, the layout of the words on the page enhanced the impact of her writing. Some good formatting could do that for DreadStorm's writing as well. Putting the items of this list each as a separate paragraph causes it to look messy and therefore actually detracts from the impact of A Challenge.

Another way that I believe that this list could be improved would be to style all of the questions in a similar fashion. Just like the Beatitudes all start out with “Blessed are . . .” each item in this list could start out with “Do you . . .” For example, instead of writing: “When you do good, or give something, do you expect something in return?” follow the pattern of the preceding items and write: Do you expect something in return when you do good or give something?

I do not mean to suggest that is the way to express that question. I think that with some time and thought, even these questions could be better written. I don’t think that is important though. I think that simply formatting them differently and following a pattern in expressing them would be enough to improve their impact on the reader.

The bulk of the impact on the reader will come later as DreadStorm expounds on these questions. It is here that it becomes a tad challenging to write a review. I am not here to discuss the validity of the points that DreadStorm makes in this article. It is tempting to use this review to do that but the purpose of this review is to comment on how well DreadStorm’s opinions are expressed not whether or not I agree with him on all points.

Unfortunately, I must once again say that these paragraphs are not well written. Each discussion could be improved if DreadStorm used the skill that he has as a writer to make his points. I would encourage him to rewrite each one of these using a topic sentence and other sentences that support his main thought.

This section could also be improved by using the questions as a subheadings. Even if the question is not used as a subheading, I suggest inserting the question itself at the start of each section instead of simply referring to it by a number. This would add both emphasis and clarity.

The conclusion has some of the same issues as the introduction. I would encourage DreadStorm to scrap what he has here and to write an introduction designed to do that job: introduce his subject and then to write a conclusion that summarizes what he has said.

I am not suggesting that the style of this article be changed. I like the idea of using a conversational tone for an opinion piece BUT the rules of writing still need to be considered if the item is to be taken seriously by intelligent people.

DreadStorm writes: ”I'm going to try to help you” and “My only concern is your eternal well-being”. He writes that his intent is “to open people's eyes to the truth”. Does the spirit of this article reflect that?

There is a difference between being honest and direct and being antagonistic. One can be blunt and not pull punches . . . and still have a loving and caring attitude toward their audience. I have been pretty blunt in writing this review but as I have done so, I hope that the attitude that is conveyed in my words is a helpful and supportive attitude. If it is not, I have failed. I also believe that in as much as a loving attitude is not conveyed in DreadStorm’s words, he has failed. I think his writing reflects an angry attitude. It is as if he is challenging his readers to a fight versus challenging them to examine themselves . . . and to become more like Christ. That is sad.

It is especially sad because DreadStorm’s writing does cause me to examine myself and my beliefs. I choose not to be offended by the way in which he expresses things and by doing so, I am given a lot of food for thought. Not all readers would be so generous . . . and therefore would not reap that benefit.

What should our attitude be toward those who disagree with us? We don’t need to vacillate. We don’t need to water down our positions. We don’t need to kiss up. We do need to examine our attitudes toward them and treat them with respect. There may be a times to pull out a whip and drive folks out of the temple . . . but even JESUS only did that once.

What will you find if you read "Invalid Item" ?

If you dig, you will find some nuggets worth considering. I encourage you to do that and then to write a review. Make some constructive suggestions about how DreadStorm can improve his writing and make this article more effective.

That is what we are here to learn, eh?

You can follow my own journey along this path by reading:
"Goal: Be a Successful Freelance Writer!" 

This review is: "Compliments of Freelancer's Lighthouse!" 

Letter grade equivalents to Stars from me:
2.5 stars = D  3.0 stars = C  4.0 stars = B  5.0 stars = A
I only give 5.0 stars for works that I considered totally awesome and that I believe can not be improved.
If I have given your item 2.5 stars, please know that it is hard for me to do that.
I do not want to discourage anyone but I believe honest feedback can help us all.

My review has been submitted for consideration in:
"Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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