A relationship failure.

         Many people may want to ask me "What happened? Why didn't you continue to grow your relationship ?
         During my last cup of coffee with my husband, Matt, I decided to take notes of what he was saying about our relationship. I published them below, numbered and put them into the quotation marks. Also, I decided to enclose my response to what he was saing. My response follows after the dash sign. Matt gave me the right to publish his opinions.

1. "The less you know, the better for me. " - are you really the man I married, Matt? I want to be in a normal relationship with trust and loyalty.

2."I am so bored." - Matt, there is so many interesting things to do in the world, just look for it.

3. "If I get a paycheck you will not get any of it. You are mean." - Matt, every month for three years of our marriage I paid the whole rent. On top of that I was paying the phone bill. I guess paying the car lease bill was too much for you since the bank already send someone to reposess the car we drive. By the way, I never wanted your money. I never saw them, anyway. But could you explain me how after what we went through you call me "mean"?

4."You broke that one for me." - It is about a promise. How one can allow someone else break promise for him? I though you are the man of your word. That is about being loyal to oneself.

5. "You put up your guard and push me away" - Matt it is easy, I can't trust you.

6. "I don't care if I loose my last money in a casino, I just want to figure it out how to win." - Matt, how many times I have to repeat that you can't afford playing poker. You don't have stable job and I make only $8.50/ hr. that is not enough to pay all our bills. Just look for a stable job.

7. "I read in this book to risk everything and have no regrets and I did. I put my only $60 to play poker and I lost. However, I have no regrets because I learned. " - And this is why now you don't have any money for food or gas. I can't pay for your food because I don't have enough. Besides of that I have done it every single time in the past. I may have to put some money for gas because I have to get to work at 11 p.m. and there is no way to walk there at such a late hour.

8. "I tell to my brother to do this and not that. And he still is not doing that. He does the same for years." - Yes, Matt this is right. You can change no one. If one understand what one does wrong and wants to change his life, it is possible.

9. "Slap yourself while I am starving. Did you learn that from your mother? That is so not classy. I may go to Chris after he finish work. He will bring me some food." - Matt I was telling you many times that rent takes away a huge percentage of my paycheck. I barely have something left for food for myself. I have to deliver appropriate amount of nutrition to my body to do a good job. If you want some food - you are healthy- go ahead find a job. If you found someone else to give you food, that is O.K. with me. I don't want you to starve. But even if you found someone to feed you, I wouldn't want that someone to be a victim of your lies. Even though Chris is a gay, he doesn't deserve to be taken advantage of.

10. "Love is understanding. You see how beautiful it is. And we don't have money." - That is great that you will always be happy no matter what. But please, Matt, look at me ! Is there something you can do to save your relationship?

11." -- You don't support poker, right ? asked Matt
--No, I answered immediately
--But you support me?
--Yes, I answered without any doubts.
--So you will go with me to a casino.- he announced" - Matt, how many times I have to repeat that I don't like a casino and I would like you to stop thinking about it as a place to make a big money fast. Don't force me to support you in this project.

12. "Successful person don't worry. Once you gave up you have nothing. " - Matt, I think a successful person does worry. That person has much bigger responsibilities that you can imagine.

13. "I need your attention, conversation. If I don't have it, there is no relationship" - I understand that and I need the same, Matt.

14. "-- Phone is $10 fee for being late - I mentioned
-- Don't worry about that - Matt answered" - Matt, in case you didn't know, this is how saving money starts - by not paying late fees.

15. "If I live in the future, then I can't enjoy now. Plan about future, don't live about future." - So, Matt when you will be an old man what you gonna have then? You will have me, heh? Me - who you can always count on. Have you ever wondered if this behavior is fair to me?

16. "I know you are pissed and you want me to get money back. You punish me. I go to court, I have to suffer and on top of that I don't have sex." - I am sorry, Matt, but I don't want you to get money back. I want you to just go to work like everyone and bring some money home so that we can finally grow financially and mentally together.
Besides of that, I think that everyone has to response for what one did in the past. You
put yourself in the situation you are right now. You would't have these court problems if you thought about consequences of yours actions.

17. "For the first time I feel relieved. I decided not to play poker." - you have been repeating it every time you came back from a casino and lost your money. I have
enough of you breaking every your promise. Now, all you say are empty words.

18. "If you were like me, we would be really screwed." - two irresponsible people in marriage is too many, Matt. I came to the U.S.A. alone when I was 21 and only with one suitcase.This is my sixth year here. Do you really think that I would survive here without being responsible?

19. "I have to offer more that any other contractor. It is for business. I have unique relationship with her." - Hold on, Matt. You used to tell me that I and you have unique relationship.

20. "It was short but meaningful kiss."- in lips - I found out later.

21. "--What happened to that job interview ? You were so excited - I asked
--Ehhh.. I felt like I will not like it - Matt answered" - Matt, you had a chance to get a good job. How, do you imagine paying your bills, though? Me ? Again ?

22. "--She asked me if I would like to kiss her - Matt declared.
-- You should have done it then - I answered
-- I might would. If you left me- he finished"

23. "She has lots of money. And I wanted her to feel good." - Yes, Matt. Love is all about giving. I think you fall in love with her and did wrong things behind my back. And since you said "the less I know the better for me" it is a big probability that you did cheat on me.

24. " -- So how much you are getting tomorow?
-- We will talk about this when I get it." - that is right, Matt. You never plan ahead.

25. " Please, Izabell give me time, okay? " - what interesting you are doing that you don't want me to disturb you while you are doing a construction job for this women in her house while she is present ?

26. "You don't even touch me. My body and heart call for affection. - Mine too, Matt.

         It is unbelievable how people change under conditions of time passing by, their gene influence and unpredictable life's circumstances...
         I remember that I started crying when Matt asked me to marry him. I have been looking for someone with whom I would be able to grow mentally and spiritually. Someone, who would share my idea of life - make life worth living and make the world a better place to live. I wanted to be with someone who I can always count on and I thought that I finally did found. I married Matt after three months of knowing him. He made me trust him very fast. As much that I decided to marry him and not telling anyone about my plans. I know now that I met him in the time of my life when I felt very lonely. All I needed then was to love someone else and to be loved. Nothing else mattered to me - not even that Matt carried very emotional baggage from his childhood. Not that he had never had a job longer than three months while being twenty five years old. The time I met Matt, he was living with his grandparents who were struggling financially. He was a handyman and had no other responsibilities than to pay a car lease. I saw him as a young person wanting very much to get out of his patologic family circle and waiting for a chance from life.
         After few years of staying illegally in the country and working as a live-in caregiver, I was able to move us to the finest city of America. I thought that we both wanted to start a fresh life without having influence of our families on us. We were both young, healthy and naive.
         During our stay in California I always was able to find a live-in job as a caregiver. My husband could stay with me and have his job somewhere outside of the house.
         Gaming addiction was the reason why we never were able to save money. Later on, that was also the reason why Matt started to have problems with court house. Since I had jobs right where I lived, I was able to provide a home for my husband and myself. I worked on my cooking skills and on my English. I always felt happy during that time because I was able to help others. My life did made a sense as I could work on being the best wife and I could plan my carrier as a nurse.
         More problems started when I lost a job because of my husband's gambling addiction. After that, I decided not to work anymore and made decision to finally, after about three years of marriage, be my husband's dependent. We had to find our own place to stay what was pretty hard to do with neither of us having a job and with two overdrafted joint accounts ( Matt's gambling addiction). Fortunately, our close friend offer a job to Matt. I was able to borrow money from my brother for our first month of rent. I mentally calmed down and was doing my best in supporting my husband. I thought that that was the end of our strives.
         Soon enough, another problem started when Matt got fired. We became without a stable source of income. Matt had to start to look for any construction job. He would drive to rich neighborhoods and walk from house to house looking for a job. We barely had any money for gas for him to drive. One day, a policeman noticed that the registration sticker on our vehicle was expired for over three years.( I was already waiting for that to happen. My constant fight about Matt's irresponsible behavior lasted since I found out about it. No one can force anyone to do something under any circumstances so I just left it alone.). They towed our car. After few days, finally, we were able to get the car back. However, my jewerly - the sentimental value- had to find it's room in the loan shop.
         Fortunately, a couple days later, I got proved to be sponsored by Matt to the green card. Matt's income from a job as a chip- runner in casino last year were just enough to sponsor me. We were so surprised that it happened in such a great time - right when we needed. When I got permission to work in the U.S.A., I was able to look for a legal job what gave me better chances of finding one.
         Very uncomfortable time of my life happened when I got an allergy, I had to deal with it on my own. It took about two weeks to disappear. I remember when I asked Matt about driving me to the pharmacy, he told me that he had no money for antihistamine. He had just enough gas to drive me to temporary job next day. I had to go to work with swollen and red lips. And everything would be all right if it pass. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the cause of my allergy and it did return after it healed.
         After time, I was able to find a part-time job in small assisted living community. My previous job paycheck helped me survive through first two weeks of work there untill I got another paycheck. Generally, I was happy than because I got legal job that I always dream of and I had just enough money to pay for our rent and keep our apartment.
         A few months passed and Matt didn't show any will in helping me with paying for the apartment. I was forced to pay whole my paycheck on it. Any money he made, he would leave in a casino. Furthermore, he would come back home after hours of sitting in casino and let me know that he is broke. I had no choice other than let him survive - sleep in the apartment and be fed. I am a caregiver from my occupation. I help other people. What kind of caregiver would I be if I didn't take care of my own family?
         The day after Easter, we found out that bank sent someone to reposes our car. Matt's persvasion skills made his gay- friend, Chris, pay for last four months of lease. Matt was happy because he found someone who cared for him and I became released from the burden of finding money to keep my job.
         My paycheck was just big enough to pay for the rent. It was not much left for food for myself. I started looking for another job, somewhere in the kitchen, so I could get some of free food and extra cash. It became pretty tough to work four nights a week in the assisted living community and look for a job during the day. Finally, I became fed up with Matt taking advantage of me. I asked him to not to eat any of my food. He didn't believe that I was serious with this decision and would take my food anyway. One time my patience just run out. I was very close to call for police and let them know about my husband's behavior. In that situation, Matt decided to look for someone else to give him food. He started to spend days on doing a job for a rich lady, who would take him for expensive lunches, or invite him for a glass of wine with cheese. When she was busy, he would go to his gay-friend who would bring him leftovers from the restaurant that he worked at.
         Matt's absence at the apartment slowly allowed me to get used to live by myself. And the same for him, with one exception. The more time we spend away from each other, the more attention and love Matt needed. He started to develop closer relationship with his friend - Chris and with the rich lady thay gave him a job. He might wanted me to feel jealous. Whatever intentions he had, when I found out that he was kissing with the other women, that was not right with me. I couldn't kiss his lips after he kiss her, I just couldn't - I felt betrayed and I felt like I didn't deserve that treatment. I told Matt that I was going to move out of the apartment in a month. His response was;
"Izabell, you can't do that. I can't afford to pay for rent. I will have to go back to Chicago, IL to live with my grandparents. Besides of that, you can't afford to move out. I don't believe you will do this." I was in shock after hearing his response. I though that he would finally stay on his own while being in the age of 28 years.( I was 21 years old when I moved out of my parents place.) After three years of having been married to me, he still didn't know how to live on his own ? I felt betrayed even more and was glad that I made a choice of moving out. Later on, the rest of his words started to make a sense to me : " you can't afford to move out" - actually, he was right. I found out that it was hard to find some nice place without giving no security deposit. Furtermore, I wouldn't ask my family to borrow me money because I already borrowed not long time ago and haven't payed off yet.
         I stopped trusting Matt and caring for him. He never found any respect for me. He never listen to me. I had enough of his promises, lies and abuse. There was nothing else that I could do to save our marriage. Conversations with other people convinced me that people don't change. And even if one does, it takes a hard work on oneself and long time to change one's behavior. I finally decided to start thinking about myself. My family helped me to get out of my tough situation. They bought me a plane ticket to my brother's place. I was going to apply for a passport there and after I would receive it, I would fly to my parent's place in Poland. Two weeks before my scheduled flight, I quit my job, closed SDG&E account and let my landlord know that I am moving out. The morning I had a plane, Matt left early to work. He didn't know about my plans. Right before I had a ride to the airport, I wrote a short letter to Matt letting him know that I am leaving, will be safe and wished him luck in life. A couple of hours later I left San Diego, CA. My family borrowed me money for a plane ticket - the ticket to a new life.