Mouthwash

   

    Good afternoon, Madame. Welcome to my modest establishment. A fine day, is it not? Please feel free to browse to your heart’s content. What brings you to our little town, may I ask? To see the old count’s castle? But, of course, there is nothing else to see. I suppose we should be thankful to Hollywood for bringing us so many tourists. Unfortunately, the crypt is at present closed for repairs, although there is little real danger even when it is open unless, of course, the moon is full, as it will be tonight. 
 
    Do not look so concerned, my dear. We have never lost a tourist yet. Ha! Ha! However, I am of the firm belief that is better to be safe than sorry. To that end I have prepared a formula that offers complete protection against any eventuality at an absolutely rock-bottom price. Madame is not obliged to buy for the count, like the crocodile, feeds but rarely, yet in the past he has displayed an unfortunate predilection for attractive young ladies…
   
    Is my formula effective? How can you ask such a question, Madame? Of course it’s effective. Read what it says on the bottle: ‘Van Helsing’s 100% Proof Garlic Mouthwash. Guaranteed to drop the most Ravenous Vampire at fifty paces!’ It also has other benefits, but I will not embarrass a modest young lady like yourself by enumerating them.
   
    Did we say one bottle, or two?
                                                        ***
    Hallo again, Madame. May I say you are looking particularly radiant this evening? You have arrived just in time, for I was about to close up for the night. Did you enjoy your trip to the castle yesterday? You did not? Now, that is most unfortunate. If Madame has a complaint I would be happy to forward it to the local tourist board. You do have a complaint? My mouthwash didn’t work?
   
    What are you suggesting, Madame? Are you accusing me of watering down my own formula? How dare…? Oh…yes…Well, that does look rather nasty, I must admit. It is not too painful, I trust?
   
    I beg your pardon. What does that mean, I will soon find out for myself…?

                                                      ***