Letter to Jesus: My internal monologue

It's quite a quite place here isn't it? Empty, but very peaceful. It's strange to me. This place is so silent, and deserted, yet I feel so safe here, even when it is so dark outside, even in such a terrifying neighborhood. I feel so at home. But that's what You made this place for isn't it? Not as just another building, a place for the gathering of the masses. It's is a place of worship, but it's more than that. It's a place to run to whenever you feel scared or alone. A place to stay and rest for the weary. A place of reconciliation, to find forgiveness, to have the heavy weight of guilt, to overbearing, lifted from your shoulders. That's why I came today actually. I know You knew that, but I felt it needed to be said again. I also know that You know that there are somethings I left unsaid in there. Somethings I couldn't bring myself to confess. That's Why I pray to You now, to give me the strength and will to confess my sins, to the priest, to those around me, and to myself. I came to ask You to keep me from losing site of You again, like I do so often this time of year. This church really does seem dull in all honesty, especially now with the majority of the lights off, but You know even with the up most care, things age, things deteriorate. I like to think about how this church would have looked so many years ago, back before I was born, when the church was first built. I like to imagine what it would have looked like, the statue of You, clothed in cotton white garbs tied with golden rope, and A royal red cloak draped on Your shoulders beautiful patterns embroidered in brilliant gold paint, Your hair a lush golden brown. Of course I'm just guessing, the paint is so faded that I can barely make out the colors, and patters and barely noticeable even from up close. I like to think about walking down the aisles on bleach white tiles and vivid reds. Kneeling down and looking up to the arches that hold up the roof of this church, now a bleached gray, once bright and sharp, with every grain in the wood standing out. I look to the marble of the rails lining the alter and Imagine their once crystalline beauty glistening from the light above. The stained glass windows lining the side of the church, oh how vibrant they would have been in their days anew. So fresh and brilliant, colors so bright and clear. Every time the sun would set on the west, its red rays cutting in through the colored glass creating a kaleidoscope of colors, casting a mosaic rainbow along the inner walls. How beautiful this church must have been. How beautiful this religion must have been. But like this building, the church of our people has begun to fade and decay. Sometimes i wonder What is there left in this sea of lies? A ray a truth shining down, the promise of heaven, but people fear that light they turn away and they run away they try to hide. Some people turn from it willingly, saying it is nothing, want to be different, wanting to prove themselves. Others see the light, acknowledge it, but do nothing about it. Then there are those who strive for the light, rush for it, reach for it, whatever it is they can to be near it, as near as possible. What those people would do to serve You. What others would do to run from You. Such a sad place this world has become. People turning from their religion, but because of a solid reason, but because they wanted to be someone else, some one that they are not. And to practice such blasphemy within the church itself. Too many times have I seen my classmate openly deny God, yet still they have the ___ to show their faces in church, to mouth the words of God, even Pray alongside us. I have nothing against Atheists, those with real reason to turn their backs on God, but those who choose not worship, just because. They are blasphemers. I myself have once doubted You. You know that. I began to lose my faith because it seemed as though You hated me, You condemned me, but the more and more I doubted You, the more and more miserable I felt. Dear Lord, You are loving and You are kind, give me the strength to never forget that. Dear Lord You are always by my side; guide me back home when I stray from this path, give me light when the darkness engulfs and frightens me, give me strength when I am weak. Dear Lord, only my blackened heart keeps your love at bay, but know this, that I am fighting for, and Know that I love you.

~Amen~