Freedom to Become

Only a few days ago, life seemed to be on the right track; only joy flooded her heart. Ben treated her with a gentleness totally opposite of her last relationship. He cared about her...about her wishes, wants, goals, her destiny. He didn't go balistic when she disagreed with his opinions. He was different from any male influence she had ever had in her life.

Life at home had been less than a piece of cake before mom and dad had divorced. Dad was a narcissist in the purest form. He is a control freak. Disagreeing with him causes violent eruptions of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse swallowing up whomever was in his path at the moment.

He'd almost choked mom to death when she was pregnant with her little brother, Adrian, because Mom had taken enough money to buy school clothes for them. Dad had not given her permission to do so. She and Sissy ran next door for help. If they hadn't Mom would surely have died.

There had been a short reprieve while the courts decided on custody issues. She nor her siblings had to go visit Dad during this time. The dark clouds lifted for a little while and life was light, ballgames, music, and simple everyday living without the dread or fear of the emerging, raging animal Dad could transform into so quickly.

Then the judge made his decision and regular visitation began. There were normal arguments with Mom like every teenager and parent experiences. Sure, Mom could have fits of anger at times. Sometimes, she was too close and overpowering. She had rules and God help you if you broke them, but she wasn't going to kill you. You knew she'd calm down. It didn't change the fact that she still felt she was right and you were wrong. See, that's part of the trouble. Adults always think they are right and yelling and anger overflow onto you before they even try to understand what you are saying or feeling.

Still Mom, as mad as she could get, never put her hands around her throat and squeezed refusing to let go even when your face and lips began to turn blue.

Yeah, that really happened. Maryssa had gone to the refrigerator while visiting with her sperm doner to get a piece of cheese to eat. She was hungry. It had never been a problem at home. It wasn't like she was eating the last bit of food in the house or overeating. But Dad had not given her permission to do so. The fight began. The instant she tried to tell him she was just hungry his fist slammed into the side of her head. Dazed, she was shocked to realize her own father was choking her.

Sissy managed to slip out of the chaos with a cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. When the cops arrived, Dad convinced them she was the problem and was a rebellious teen with an attitude. Even when Mom showed up to tell the cops Dad was capable of such actions, they sent her home because Dad's parenting time was not yet up. Nothing done, no where to turn again.

Her boyfriends seemed to imulate her Dad. Mom had forced her to break up with the last one for that very reason. She thought it was just Mom trying to isolate her and not let her have any freedom. Not fun at the time, but in retrospect Mom had seen it with a clear head preventing her from being just another casuality of physical abuse.

Enter Ben. Even Mom approved of him. He had good manners. He was respectful to her, to Mom, Sissy, and took up time with Adrian. The dog and cat even liked Ben.

She could open up and talk about the things that meant most to her, the things she liked and disliked. She shared her innermost feelings and dreams with Ben. One of those dreams being to be free of all the constraints placed on her at home. There'd be no one to nag at her about a messy room all the time, or to constantly push her to study harder. There would be no one to monitor her every move. It seemed everyone wanted her to be an adult, yet they treated her like a child.

Ben walked her to class every day now. Ben listened patiently, compassionately. He understood her. Quality of life improved drastically. She could allow herself to dream again. She could share a part of herself with someone instead of isolating herself from the whole world except for Gracie, her cat, of course.

Ben reached for Maryssa's hand. Sparks of electricity flowed through her entire being. She felt more exhilarated than when she hit the winning homerun at the All Stars softball game last spring.

Mom was at work until after midnight tonight. Sissy had taken Adrian to the park. Maryssa and Ben were snuggled up on the couch sharing her favorite fleece blanket with the racing horses depicted on it watching a movie.

Her pulse raced at the nearness of him. Her nostrils caught the scent of his soap, fresh and invigorating. Ben reached out his hand and gently brushed her cheek. He bent his head and the touch of his lips on hers felt like butterflies brushing by. Her palms became sweaty. A tingling sensation was set off like fireworks beginning in the pit of her stomach radiating outward until they seemed to explode through her fingertips.

Ben's voice was husky, "You're trembling. Are you cold?"

Her whisper came out with a catch, "No."

As she leaned toward him with intentions of laying her head on his shoulder, Ben kissed her full on the lips, long and tender.

Maryssa reached out to touch his cheek now.

"I love you, Maryssa."

"I know. I love you too."

"I promise I won't hurt you. I want to touch you, hold you. I want to make love to you."

Maryssa's eyes shone with unshed tears. She was unsure if they were tears of happiness, sadness, fear, or a combination of all three. She took a deep breath.

"I don't want to make you mad, but I thought we'd decided to wait and not have sex until we finish school."

"I know. It's so hard. I love you so much. I just want to show you how much. It's okay. We'll wait." Ben hugged her tighter to him.

But they hadn't waited. Now she could feel her soul leaking from her body in droplets falling from her eyes. She never envisioned her desire for complete freedom would mean becoming a mom so soon.

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