Stories

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Sylvester runs into a big building and goes to the most confusing party ever! (2009)
Dizzy.

Sylvester was loping through the forest one day, when, *BAM!* he ran into someone. Or something. He wasn't sure which, because those giant pumpkins whirling around his head wouldn't hold still. It was very confusing.

Once the whirling pumpkins decided to dance somewhere else, Sylvester shook his head and looked around him. It was definitely a something, not a someone. Although it was big enough that he wasn't sure how he had managed to run into it in the first place. It was a great big, fancy building, and there were tons of carriages pulled up in front of it. Music waltzed out the open doors and beckoned him inside.

Well, what's a poor wolf supposed to do? Of course he followed Music; it wasn't every day that someone so pretty paid attention to him!

As you can imagine, there was quite an uproar in the ballroom of the palace when a wolf skipped in the door, but Music skillfully soothed everyone with her magic so that even the most timid person there didn't hesitate to go up to chat with Sylvester. Sylvester thought that maybe he should bring Music with him instead of cookies the next time he went to visit the three little pigs.

Now that the party-goers were calm again and returned to their giggling and dancing, Sylvester noticed that one of the people there, a nice-looking young man wearing a sparkly, poky band around his head, didn't seem as happy as the rest. In fact, it seemed that he kept on trying to sneak out of the room, only to be stopped by a large man with a huge poky headband, or by a woman with white hair and a less poky headband thingy.

So Sylvester went over to say hi.

"Well, what are you doing here, little fellow?" asked the nice young man.

"I just ran into the building and followed Music inside," said Sylvester.

"Rorarar erwrar wewraman," heard the nice young man.

So the nice young man patted Sylvester on the head and laughed. He also told Sylvester to sit and stay, right there next to him, which kind of annoyed Sylvester. After all, he came in here in the first place so he could be with Music! But he forgave the nice young man when he saw that not so many of the noisy, flashy ladies in the room were coming to the nice young man any more, and he looked a lot happier than he had been looking.

But then it happened.

A girl stomped into the room, wearing a fiery red dress that seemed to be made of flames. Sylvester glanced at the nice young man, and followed his eyes to the girl. Then he followed the girl's eyes to the nice young man. And then to the girl. And then to the nice young man. And then... wait! This game of tag is worse than the pumpkins!

The rest of the evening, the nice young man danced with the red girl, and Sylvester wandered around, keeping an eye on them. He didn't trust that flamey red thing the girl was wearing; he was afraid it would bite the nice young man!

Finally, after Sylvester thought that he couldn't bear watching the flamey thing following the nice young man around for another second, a loud dongy noise shook the room, and the girl and the red flamey thing ran out the door, clumsily shedding a shoe as she went. The girl shed the shoe, that is, not the flamey thing. The flamey thing just kinda floated around the girl.

The nice young man ran after the girl and the red flamey thing, and picked up the shoe. The girl was out of sight, even though she was wearing bright red.

After that, the party just kinda broke up; no one wanted to bother the nice young man, so they all left. Including Music. Sylvester sighed. After all that, he couldn't just leave the nice young man all alone, so he walked over to his side, and the nice young man stroked his fur over and over again.

That was when the large man with the big poky headband thingy and the woman with white hair and the smaller poky headband thingy walked over to the nice young man. They talked for a long time, using lots of big words Sylvester didn't know, like "palace" and "glass slipper" and "proclamation."

After that, Sylvester decided that things were weird enough, so he left. But the next time he came to visit the nice young man, the girl was there too--but this time she had a poky, sparkly thing on her head instead of the bright red flamey thing she had brought with her last time! The nice young man and the girl looked like they were very happy to see Sylvester, and ever since then, they have always liked him to drop by. They make sure to have plenty of hot chocolate and cookies whenever he comes.

Now, Oh! Yes, Sylvester?

"I'm sorry, Mariah, but I've gotta go! I'm babysitting for the nice young man and the girl-without-the-flamey-thing today. I can't help you with the story any more."

And Sylvester ran out the door of my apartment, to go find the big, fancy building with his friend, the nice young man.

Silly Sylvester!

The End.

Romeo and Juliet; Beauty and the Beast; the Princess and the Pea... wait a minute! (2009)
The Princess and the Pea

Many years ago, a prince desired to find a suitable wife, but she must be a true princess. So he visited all the lands round about and searched for a true princess who would be his bride.

Many months passed away, but each princess had some trait that caused the prince to doubt that she was truly daughter to a king. The prince was still without a bride.

One night, as a storm was tearing at the doors of the palace, a pitiful knocking was heard from out in the storm. The household was aroused, and it was found that a maiden had wandered to the door of the palace. The maiden was wet from the top of her beautiful head to her dainty toes.

Though the maiden claimed to be daughter to a king, the prince wanted to know for a surety if she was of royal blood. The prince consulted with his mother, the queen, who proclaimed that they must devise a test for the maiden. So in the room where the maiden would sleep, the queen placed a single pea on the bed, and then she stacked on top twenty mattresses, and on top of the mattresses, she stacked twenty feather beds. Said the queen to her son the prince, "Surely a true princess would feel this pea underneath the mattresses, for who else would have skin that sensitive?"

Thus it happened that as the maiden (who, in truth, was daughter to a king) lay in bed that night, she felt a lump underneath her back that was very uncomfortable. She tossed and turned, but then she heard a moan underneath all of the mattresses and feather beds. Climbing down to see what it was that made that noise, the maiden discovered, underneath the twenty feather beds and twenty mattresses, a small, green pea. Said the pea, "Finally you rescue me from my prison underneath this heavy load!"

Startled, the maiden was about to call out, but the pea spoke to her calmingly until he finally won her friendship.

The next morning, the princess was summoned before the prince and the queen, and she was asked how she had slept the night before.

As she told of the lump she had felt underneath her in the bed, the prince and the queen were startled and said, "Surely this maiden is, in truth, daughter of a king!" and the prince begged her hand in marriage.

The princess thus learned that the prince loved her sensitive skin more than he loved her. So she married the pea.

The End.

A first person narrative without the word "I" (2010)
Eye Witness

Private Eye's the name and private eye's the game. My human was a detective--sly, sneaky, and solitary. Us eyes were the human's most valuable features. We looked dark and suspicious in the mirror. As we were divided by a large and crooked nose, we were solitary, too.

Yes, the eye you see before you was a very private eye.

But one day, this all changed. Let me tell you the story.

It was a dark and stormy night. The human was slinking around corners and through puddles while water dribbled through my lashes. The human grumbled quietly. We were tracking Izik the Infamous. That ignoble ignoramus had indecently irked the King. This fellow was serious business, and the King had called out all detectives to track him. The one to find him would win fame and wealth untold.

Of course, my job was of utmost importance--spot the scalawag. Just as his trail was becoming clear to me, Dashing Detective Dan daringly cut us off in pursuit of the villain. Any attempt on my part to resume the chase would have been disastrous. There went our chance at fame. The human stood there in shock, batting my lid in a very bewildering way. How annoying. He knows that the lid is my job.

As we were standing there on the corner, my corner (eyes have corners, you know) spotted a flash of color against the dark night. Tracing its motion until the human's head turned to follow, there appeared to me a most beautiful creature. The human insisted on gazing at her tiny hands and dainty dress, but my plea won out and we looked up.

Just on my side of a freckled nose was the eye of my dreams: an iris the color of the deep blue midmorning sky, dancing and sparkling around a jet black pupil. My pulse raced. She stared back at me, and we were locked, lost in each other's brilliance.

Well, my human listened to me (without much prompting) and asked the girl and her eyes out. We all were soon gathered together in a church to be joined in matrimony.

Now, my dear wife brightens my life every day. My greatest joy is to glance into my sweet eye whenever the chance arises.

Private Eye's the name, but now, family guy's the game.

A fairy tale without the word "the" (2010)
A Tale of Theandrew of Theandies

Once upon a time, there was a tiny kingdom known as Theandies, where reigned a mighty monarch, King Theandrew XXI. That is, his loyal subjects liked to think of him as a mighty monarch, but, sadly enough, he was unable to rid his kingdom of its most fearsome enemy. Yes, they were ever victims of a loathsome serpent, Theending, who would steal young ladies and force them to cook and clean for him. His home was rumored to be filled with hundreds of lovely maids, who were turned out on their twenty-fifth birthdays. As a result, Theandies's young men could never find for themselves brides under twenty five, nor could they court ladies younger than themselves until they, too, were well in their twenties. This, as you can readily understand, made romance unnecessarily complicated.

One day, King Theandrew grew tired of complaints by all these brilliant young men, none of whom were able to successfully defeat this monster. (This is hardly surprising when you realize that none of them had dared to try.) King Theandrew naturally dreaded facing Serpent Theending on his own. "I shall have to gather an army, then," thought he, "and we shall all go together to defeat this monstrous man--er--woman-stealing beast."

Naturally, Theandrew had no trouble at all in finding a willing army, as young men who had sweethearts were few, and those without girlfriends were also youngest, most energetic and most ambitious.

So King Theandrew (who was, himself, without a wife due to this shortage of maidens in his unfortunate kingdom) led his troops forward one bright day until all his well-trained and obedient soldiers were surrounding each entrance to Theending's home. Theandrew himself, bearing his magic sword, boldly went himself up to a door and knocked.

"May I help you, sir?" came a voice, accompanied by a face that was surpassingly beautiful.

Theandrew cleared his throat. "Er, yes, please. I mean, I am King Theandrew, and I would like to talk to Theending. If you please."

This young lady appeared to be rather flustered at this request, but she curtsied and went off into Theending's house leaving Theandrew outside. She came back out soon enough and shyly declared, "He says to go away." And then her face disappeared and Theandrew found himself facing a bright orange door.

"Er, well, to be precise, that did not go very well," he said, trying to fight a blush.

Theandrew's men were defeated. They all let their weapons fall uselessly to their sides, and they returned home, leaving poor King Theandrew alone on Theending's doorstep. But Theandrew was made of tougher stuff than this. He determined to stay there in Theending's territory until either he was able to return home with Theandies's young ladies or, well, whatever horrible thing Theending could do to him to make him stop. He preferred not to dwell on those particulars.

So Theandrew stayed.

And stayed.

And stayed.

And stayed.

Until finally Theending became annoyed of this visitor (although he wasn't doing anything besides staying--but perhaps that was what annoyed Theending more than anything else). He finally came outside and yelled, "I told you to go away!"

"Now, look here, Theending!" returned Theandrew, quite calmly. "I came all this way just to talk to you, and I shan't go home until I'm done.

"Perhaps you do not realize how inconvenient you have made life in my kingdom, by stealing away all our maidens, right when they are in their prime and should be getting married and having babies. All this time, our young men are waiting to turn twenty-five so that they can find wives. And what do they do while they wait? They come and badger me, their king, saying, 'When are you going to bring me a bride? I want to be married, but I'm not twenty-five yet, so I can't get a bride.'

"Of course, all this time, they are loitering around town, with no girls to get them to shape up. As soon as they are finally twenty-five, they find a bride as quickly as they can, forgetting all that trouble they have caused me, and start having babies.

"And then they complain because there is no one to babysit for them, because you have every single young lady. So of course they don't have as many kids, which means that, by and by, you are going to run out of young ladies to steal!

"And all these complaints I listen to night and day, without anyone remembering that I haven't a wife, either!"

Theending was quite blown away by this tirade, and, as Theandrew seemed to be out of breath and to be rather tired, Theending patted King Theandrew on his back sympathetically. (Which is a rather odd thing for a serpent to do, if you think about it; they don't have hands.)

"I see what you mean, old friend," returned Theending. "But I can't seem to find a way around this little--um--difficulty. You see, I can't take care of my house by myself, because I don't have hands, so when I drop my bowl of cereal and it lands on my nice, clean carpet, I can't do much of anything about it, without getting fuzz all over my tongue. And it takes an awful lot of maidens to keep my house straightened, which is something I can't do by myself. So, I hope you understand, but I can't really help you, old friend." And Theending turned around and went inside.

"Hmph. If only we could find him a wife!" grumbled Theandrew.

So he went and found a young dragoness who was willing to marry a serpent, if Theending agreed.

Fortunately, Theending happened to be fond of ladies with wings, so he was married amid great rejoicing.

An End.

                   

Why "An End," you ask? Well, because there is another end.

Naturally, as Theending now had a wife with hands (of sorts), he didn't need all those maidens cluttering up his place anymore, so they all rushed home to Theandies. This became a time of great joy and--courtship.

And, of course, King Theandrew XXI found himself a wife, as well, that pretty maiden who had delivered Theending's message to go away. (He decided that she would be nice to have around, to keep away anybody who felt like complaining to him. He was tired of complaints.)

And they all lived happily ever after.

Ends.

In Which an Unusual Alliance is Made: Being a pseudo-history of Queen Marjah and the Knights of the Writing Table. (2010)
In Which an Unusual Alliance is Made

Hello. My name is   Ermentrude Jay                                         .
You can call me      Min                                                             .
I work at   Corry's Bakery                                                            
as a(n)  assistant shop keeper                                                      .
In my spare time, I like to    double as Marjah, Queen of   
the Knights of the Writing Table                                                      .

Herry stared at the profile and blinked a couple of times. Then he pocketed the card and got out of the line. The next young man eagerly riffled through the cards and chose one with a picture of a pretty blond girl.

Herry now found himself in a river of young men. They were herded through the door at the far end of the hall, where they were waylaid by elderly men holding clipboards.

"Name?"

"Herry Smith."

"Partner's name?"

Herry glanced at his card. "Ermentrude Jay."

Then there was more shuffling, more orderly chaos, and Herry was face-to-face with a young lady. Min. She wore a plain grey dress, just like all the other girls, but she held her head up fiercely and with dignity. She reminded Herry of a caged lioness. Herry's attendant introduced them to each other and then left them alone.

Herry smiled shyly at Min. "I always hate this part," he said. "The awkward part where we're supposed to learn all about each other and somehow become best friends in an instant."

The lioness in Min's face softened, and she smiled, too. "And how many times has this been for you?" she asked.

"This is my third Function," said Herry. "The Government is starting to despair of ever getting me married. I'm on probation now, so if I am not at least engaged within the next six months, they will assign me a wife."

"You're important enough to be on probation? Most people are allowed to go to as many Functions as they need to."

Herry fidgeted and focused his eyes somewhere above Min’s shoulder. "It's because of my job," he said. "How many Functions have you been to?"

"This is my third Function, too," said Min. "That's why I put in that bit about the Knights of the Writing Table. I thought it might get rid of some of the... less desirable type." She indicated the young man who had been just behind Herry in line. "He was my partner last time. He wouldn't stop trying to flirt with me." She wrinkled her nose.

An attendant came up to them. "Go on! Outside with the two of you!"

On their way outside, Herry asked Min about the Knights of the Writing Table.

"Well," she said, "The Knights are my ten brothers. We all hate being so manipulated by the Government, so we take it out in writing. We write of the olden days, before Underpopulation, and pretend to do Great Deeds to help people." Min picked up a stick and viciously slashed at the air in front of her. "That was a dragon," she informed Herry. "He's not going to bother us any more!"

"How can I join these Knights?" asked Herry.

"Oh, that's easy enough. Kneel, sir!"

Herry knelt in front of Min. She lifted her stick over his head and solemnly chanted, "I, Queen Marjah1, do hereby dub thee Sir Herry, Knight and member of the Queen's own Writing Table." Min tapped both of Herry's shoulders and his head with her stick and then said, "Rise, Sir Herry!"


That was the first night of the Function. Min and Herry were thrust together for the activities of the rest of the month. Eighty engagements were announced, and a few dozen participants would be leaving with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Only twenty four participants, the only other single adults in the country, were still unattached. The Government would be pronouncing this year's Function its biggest success since it had started the Repopulation effort.

But Herry was oblivious to all of this. He barely noticed when Min's partner from last year, who was his bunkmate, announced his engagement. Herry was too busy acting as Queen Marjah's Knight. He was too busy to even notice that he was now watching Min's every motion in admiration. He didn't notice when she gently pushed away his hand as it brushed her arm. He didn't notice her gazing into space more and more often.

On the last night of the Function as they were just climbing into their beds, Herry's bunkmate propped himself up on his elbow.

"Hey, Herry-man," he said.

Herry nodded absentmindedly as he put away his sword-stick.

"Listen, man, I think you got a problem. That Min of yours, she don't pay you much attention anymore. I think you're losin' her."

Herry looked up. For the first time since he met Min, he remembered that this was the last night of his last Function. In five months, the Government would be choosing a wife for him. That wife might not be Min.

"But what could be wrong?" Herry finally asked. "Is there another guy?"

"Could be. Listen, Herry-man, take it from me. You go tonight and try to find out what's goin' on here, okay? Here, you just sneak out while the attendants aren't watchin'. Just go to her window, see, and make her talk sense."

"All right, I'll go."

"You better wait till everybody's asleep, man. Here, good luck, okay?"

Herry waited until he stopped hearing the attendants' footsteps outside. That took longer than he thought it would. By the time he made his way to Min's window, it was well past midnight.

Min wasn't there.

Herry's heart raced. What if... what if she had already left with someone else? But who? She had spent almost every waking moment of the past month with him. He ran to the outskirts of the camp, barely caring how much noise he was making.

Herry had been running for what seemed like hours when he felt the wind whipping past him, towards a leafless tree. Min was kneeling beside it with clenched hands and hair tossing behind her. The clouds gathered and grew darker, eerily letting the faint pre-dawn light through the cracks. The wind swirled in front of Min, a whirlwind floating over the ground. The next moment, the whirlwind was a man, frowning down on Min. Herry wasn't sure if he should attack the man or hide, so he just sank to the ground where he was and watched.

"You have come, Marjah," boomed the man.

"Yes, Father," Min said, quietly. Herry recognized her expression--it was the same one that had reminded him of a lioness that first night.

"And will you finally agree to marry the Prince of Greater Italia?"

"I will not."

"Marjah, my child, do not forget that you are the only daughter of the Wind. You are already a Queen over the fairy-folk. If you would marry that Prince, it would be the alliance that would save the humans and the fairies. We would join together as one and neither the human-folk nor the fairy-folk would become extinct. Do not be hasty in your decision."

Min stared unwaveringly into her father's eyes and an understanding seemed to pass between them.

"Ah. I see, my daughter," said her father. "You love another. Is he royalty?"

"No, Father. But I have made him a Knight and have trained him this past month. He has learned quickly. I knighted Herry before you had ever spoken with the Prince."

"A human Knight for a fairy Queen." Herry watched a sudden heaviness and sorrow come over Min's father. "Marjah," said her father, "I will not force my daughter's love, but think again. With another disaster like the volcano of three generations past, there may not be enough fairies left to survive if we are still the enemies of the humans. No, I will not force your love, but neither will I allow you to marry this Knight."

For the first time, Min looked towards Herry. "Father, Sir Herry is here. I pray that you let him speak for himself."

Min's father nodded to Herry, and Herry slowly walked towards the two.

Herry bowed to Min's father. "I ask that you reconsider your decision," he said. "The humans of the United Americas would benefit from an alliance with the fairies as much as would the humans from Greater Italia. Please, sir, give me the chance to arrange an alliance before you forbid our marriage."

Min's father thought for a moment.

"Very well, Sir Herry. I give you until five o'clock this morning. You have three hours."

"Consider it done," Herry said. He turned towards Min. "I never told you what my job is, did I?" he asked. "I am the Government's ambassador to the Gnomes. My career standing has been on probation because I am not married. My marriage to a sky fairy will give us just the alliance the United Americas need to combat Underpopulation."

Min's father smiled. "Well, Sir Ambassador," he said, "it sounds like you will soon be promoted from Knight to King."

He joined Min's and Herry's hands and married them there, under the tree, just as the sun peeped through the clouds.

Footnotes
1  MAR-yah