The Birthday Gift

The Birthday Gift

By Kelli Norris

Juanita pulled up her support hose and put on her black orthopedic shoes. Her bones creaked and popped loudly as she straightened herself up and walked across the room testing her new Dr. Scholl’s Massaging Gel insoles. She felt about as comfortable as a whore in church. She chalked it up to being seventy-eight years old.

It doesn’t matter if I’m gellin or not, I have got to get to the store today. No more putting it off. Sunday was Mother’s Day; there were too many people out and about. I was not up to fighting the crowds. Monday it rained all day long. Tuesday I had to get the canning done if I didn’t want to lose all those tomatoes. Wednesday I had that terrible migraine. Thursday I was just plain lazy. Today is Friday and I have no choice. I have got to get to Walmart.

Tomorrow is Kota’s sixth birthday and I’ll be damned if I am going to show up there without a present and some candy. Maybe a cute card with some cash in it. Not that cash matters to her but still. She can make origami out of the bills for all I care. The point is I need a card to put them in and she wants that stupid doll. What’s it called? Monster High!

Which one did she want? Oh yea, the werewolf doll. Can you believe it? Monster dolls that are pretty and fashion conscientious that go to High School. Ridiculous. There is even a zombie doll I think. They eat people for heaven’s sake. How do you make that pretty or fashionable? Then again, it’s no worse than what Disney does personifying dangerous animals I suppose.

She looked around the room and made a mental note of everything she would need to get to the store and back. She didn’t want to forget anything. Her purse had her billfold, ID, money, pepper spray, house keys, Judge Roy Bean and tons of miscellaneous junk. She was wearing her medical bracelet that told everyone in case she died no resuscitation. No coming back for Juanita, no siree. Dead is dead. She was ready for her heavenly rewards.

Juanita walked over and filled the cat feeder with the last of the dry cat food and put fresh water in the bowl. She would have to pick up some more of both while she was at the store. She put on her bright orange coat and hat, grabbed her heavy dragon head cane and headed to the store.

The old woman surveyed her surroundings with a sad eye. It broke her heart to see her beloved neighborhood in such disarray. She watched a youngster dressed in a bright pink hoodie, wearing a neon orange head band, and light-up sneakers add to the endless display of graffiti littering a defunct store front. The teenager stopped spray painting the wall and eyed her warily. Juanita held up her gnarled index finger and wagged it side to side in the universal “naughty naughty” sign. The delinquent flipped her the bird and went back to tagging the wall. Damn thugs! Where was a cop when you needed one?

Juanita sighed and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. She still had several blocks to go and couldn’t waste time with a teenage vandal. It was time to face the facts her hometown was full of hoodlums, thugs, riffraff and worse. It was no wonder her daughter didn’t want her living here anymore. Besides it was lonely now that Leo had passed away and it was just her and Gravedancer the cat.

“PSST! Hey Granny, you want some primo shit? I got some shit here that’ll make you forget you’re older than the crust of the earth.”

Juanita peered down the corner alley and saw a dirty Hispanic man holding up a baggie of something that looked like herbs from her garden. He reeked of booze, cigarettes and looked like he had slept in the sewers. She glared at the man, giving him her fiercest look of disdain and kept walking. Hmmph thug! Where was a cop when you needed one?

At last the blue and white Walmart sign was in sight, a wave of relief washed over her and she quickened her pace. Her goal in sight Juanita started to cut across the street ignoring the clearly visible crosswalk a few yards ahead. Just as she set foot on the other side of the street, a man in blue appeared out of the doorway ahead of her. Great! NOW the cop shows up.

Juanita opened her purse and took out her identification.

“I’m so sorry officer. I wasn’t thinking. I know I should have used the crosswalk but since there are no cars around I didn’t think…”

The officer behaved as if he had not heard a word she said and ambled slowly towards her. Juanita rummaged through her bag again wondering for the easiest way out of this situation. She finally decided the Judge (she nicknamed Roy Bean) might have some influence with the officer. Pulling the handgun from her purse she emptied a load of triple 0 buckshot in the policeman’s face. The ball bearing sized pellets took most of his head off at point blank range and the corpse crumpled to the ground on the sidewalk.

Damn Zombies! That sound was deafening. Now every deadhead for blocks is going to come running, shambling rather. Gosh darn it all! I should have used my cane. I hate zombies! Now I’m never going to get that doll.

Juanita could hear the moans and groans of the horde start to increase in volume. They were definitely coming her way. She checked the ammunition in the gun, five rounds left. Then she looked for the box of shells in her purse. It was gone. She knew she had forgotten something. Juanita sighed as the first of the undead lumbered into view.

Where was a thug when you needed one?