Uneasy Heart (The Story)

                 
                                                        Uneasy Heart  (The Story)


I knew something was wrong in that photo.  I held my breath for a moment and dared not venture a guess.  There he was my younger brother seated in his favorite armchair and there was a look of dismay clearly being communicated.  It was as though he was a million miles away and only his body was in that chair.

Our Christmas seemed like any other at the time.  Of course I was preoccupied with my own wants and needs under the tree.  It was the year I became engaged and my engagement ring was part of the tree decorations.  It is a wonder I even knew anyone else was in the room.  I could understand how I missed his disconnection sitting in his favorite chair.  But I was not missing it now.  My only thought was

“What is wrong Jim?”

Jim was my younger brother who was seventeen years old and a senior in high school.  He was an athlete and always had a sense of fun and pride in all that he did.  He was a good looker and had a winning personality so the world was his for the taking.  He was graduating in June and his dream was to play pro ball for the Yankees.  There was not a sport that he did not excel in.  I would not have been surprised if he accomplished that dream.  He loved the game and played his heart out.

Our relationship had always been very special to each of us.  We had gone through a pretty difficult childhood. Our family was splintered by our parents' divorce and a stepfather raising us with our mother for the past ten years.  We spent a short time in foster care with only each other to open up to.  As a result not only did we get through it, but a bond was formed resulting in an extraordinary friendship.  I could talk to him about anything and I knew he would talk to me without a great deal of effort. We confided often and he was my best friend so I could not let this go by without talking to him.  After I finished sorting through the pictures, I knew we needed to talk.

“Mom, what time do you expect Jim to get home from football practice?"

"He usually gets in around seven o’clock, why?”“

Oh, I just wondered.”

I did not want to share my concern with my mother.  She would not have understood my jumping to such a ridiculous conclusion.  Thinking back to that age, we kids never shared too much with our parents.

We had gone on a double date that weekend and had a really good time. The four of us got along well.  Our interests were similar and we all shared the same sense of humor.  None could laugh like we did when we got together.  But that night something was not quite what it had been in the past.  Jim seemed more quiet than usual.  Even when the boys got to talk sports it felt like he was distracted. We did some running around that night because we decided to take in two movies at two different theaters then went for coffee at a local diner. It was a fun night for the four of us.

Jim's girlfriend Sue was such a sweet kid.  You could tell she was crazy about Jim just watching them together.  They had been dating for the past six months. There were always looks between them and the casual touching of one another in conversation.  It was clear that they were taken with one another.    I remember the night Jim came home from his first date with her and I remember what he said.

"I swear she looks like a Cupie Doll and she is so much fun.  I really like her.

"That was not something I heard too often from Jim.  He seldom reacted so quickly to a girl.  He always seemed to busy with sports to notice anything special in the girls he dated.

Tonight I was going to my girlfriend’s house to go over her vacation plans so I decided I would get home early enough to see my brother and find out if I was imagining my observation about that photo.  When I got home it was after ten I could still smell the pasta sauce from dinner four hours ago.  I heard the clock on the mantel sounding of ten times.  I could tell from under the door that the light was still on in my brother’s room.  I hung up my coat and went to see him directly.  I swallowed hard because I really needed to have my fears put to rest.  I knew Jim and I were always able to talk but I felt uneasy approaching him.  I thought to myself, if something is wrong, why didn’t he tell me.  I grabbed the pictures and went to his room.

“Knock-knock”

"You still up Jim?”“

Yea, come on in.”

“I got the Christmas pictures back.  You want to see them?”

“Sure."

Jim was at his desk and in the middle of doing a homework assignment when he pulled the chair back and put his feet up on the desk.  I handed him the pictures and he started going through them

.“Good shots of the ring search heh Jim?”

"Boy Mike gave you a run for your money hiding that ring in the tree.  That was so cool."

“Jim, we have to talk.”

“What’s up?”

"I'm not sure, you tell me. I was looking at one of the photos of you at Christmas, and I don’t know but I got a real bad feeling that something is wrong.  You look like you have something going on that you are wrestling with.  Here, look at this shot.”

I handed him the photo and he looked at it. He dropped his feet off the desk, stood up and walked to the window.

"I don't know what you are talking about.""Come on Jim.  I know you, and I know when something is bothering you, look at me what is it?"

He came back across the room and he looked weighed down like he was carrying something on his shoulders. Something was just not right.  He turned back to the desk, sat down with his eyes cast down.  I could tell he was having a hard time trying to talk.He turned his head to my direction and I could see the glisten of a tear on his cheek.  He drew in a breath uncomfortably.  When he began talking, he spoke in a voice I never heard before.

  “Sue is pregnant.”

I felt my heart sink just looking at the pain in his eyes.  I was torn between being angry with him for being so negligent as to not protect him and her, or just going over and hugging him.  I opted for the hug. I put my arms around him and held him close

.“Are you sure Jim?”

“Oh yea, but now I have to decide what I am going to do about it.  Her mother knows and has consented to letting us get married after we graduate in June. She said she would help us set up housekeeping. Mom is going to have a fit when I tell her.  She had big hopes for me.  I guess I really screwed up.

”“Does anyone else know Jim?”

“Mike knows.”

“What!  He never said a word.”

“I asked him to keep it to himself, so don’t be mad at him.”

Jim and I sat up for hours talking that night about what he was going to do.  His fear of having to set his dream of playing ball aside caused him so much regret. He had been working toward a goal of pro ball for so long that it was a part of most of his conversations.  He knew baseball stats better than anyone I knew.  This had to be eating him alive.

The alternative that was offered to him by Sue's father was to be his apprentice in plumbing.  It was a safe dependable job and that was needed now if he was going to marry and have a family at seventeen years of age.  His dream would just have to be set aside.

No amount of trying to convince either of them not to marry was even considered.  Jim was mature for his age and he saw the horrible results of a marriage when the father and husband were without a sense of responsibility. He was from just such a family and he was determined to never be the cause of this happening to another child.

Two weeks after graduation Jim and Sue were married.  Mike and I were best man and maid of honor.  It was a small but memorable wedding for them. There we were just the eight of us standing in front of a huge alter.  A most unusual setting for such a small group.  I made a promise to my brother that day that no matter what, I would always be there for his family and would do everything I could to make his new life easier.

My wedding had been in the making for a while and in September when Mike and I were married, Jim was my best man and Sue was in the church and nine months pregnant.  She was a little bit of a girl.  When she was dating Jim she was only a size zero so now she was all baby.

When I called home two days into my honeymoon while in Canada, I found out that I had a new niece and her name was Dawn.  I cried when I heard the news.  I was thrilled for them on the birth of their first child and I could not wait to get home to meet her.  We cut our trip short and headed home the next morning.  We went directly to the hospital as soon as we got home.I went to the maternity ward and met the most beguiling little baby girl I had ever seen.  She had dark brown hair and huge brown eyes and a beautiful pink pallor.  The moment I held her I knew we would be connected forever.  Mike and I were her God Parents and to this day she remains a part of our hearts.

There were many who thought that Jim and Sue had the odds against them getting married at such a young age and setting their dreams aside They were advised by parents and grandparents friends and relatives that there were other options.  In spite of all though they succeeded in making their life choices work for them.  They went on to have two more beautiful daughters in the years that followed.

Jim's dream of playing ball was just that.  It remained a dream forever.  But as fate would have it one of his daughters had a son who plays ball even better than Jim and he too has a dream and is trying to live that dream not only for himself but for his grandfather as well.