The Gas is Always Greener...

Note: This story was an entry for the CSFS Comedy Short Story Contest. To view the contest rules, click on Contest Rules:

The contest is to write a short story or a poem following one of the five prompts below.

For Short Stories
1. Word Count for must be between 500 and 3000 words
2. Word Count must be shown in both the item and submission post
3. The subject of submission post must have 'S' at the start

For poems
1. Line count must be between 5 and 40 lines
2. Line count must be shown in both entry and submission post
3. The subject of the submission post must have 'P' at the start

For both short stories and poems
1. The prompty must be stated in the post and at the top of the item in full
2. Must be rated 13+ or less
3. It is imperative that it is funny!

DeadLine
The contest will run from November 3 November untill 11:59pm Wednesday 30 November. The judging time frame is not yet decided. The winner will hopefully be announced in the December Newsletter

Prompts

Prompt 1



Prompt 2
You go toilet in a cubicle but when you step out you have travelled in time!

Prompt 3
Every time somebody farts, a fairy dies...

Prompt 4
A duck, a horse and an elephant walk into a bar. How...? and Why?

Prompt 5
When you talk to someone, subtitles of what you really think appear beneath you... however, you don't realise they are there!

"CSFS Comedy Contest" 

Note: the prompt chosen for this piece was:
Prompt 3: Every time somebody farts, a fairy dies...

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The Gas is Always Greener...

By Indelibleink

"Okay, fellow Giants...I don't think I need remind anyone of the significance - the ramifications - the impact on our very being - regarding our battle today, as we, the New York Giants..."

"Excuse me, Sir." A hand rose from a back row of the Giants who were standing at attention for the General Giant's speech.

"Yes, Private?"

"No, it's public, Sir."

"No, Soldier...I mean your rank is that of 'Private', you nincompoop. I wasn't referring to the nature of your question! Now, what was the nature of your question, Son?"

"Well, begging the General's pardon, Sir, but I was hoping you could remind me of the 'significance - the ramifications - the impact on our very being - in our battle today', Sir."

General Bryant the Giant took a step back and whispered to his aide, Wyant the Giant, "These Giants aren't the brightest bulbs on the shelf, are they, Major?"

The Major Giant shook his head in agreement. "That's the one thing about us Giants, Sir: Whatever advantage we have in size, we tend to offset with stupidity..."

"Well, you seem fairly intelligent, Major Giant."

The General's little Giant chat was interrupted by a Private Delivery Giant who walked with a dolly laden with several (giant) bales of hay. "Have a delivery here - six bales of tainted hay - for a Major Wyant Giant..."

The Major stepped forward. "I'll sign for that, Soldier."

The Giant General Bryant scratched his weathered, stubbly face, and grabbed the Major's shoulder. "Just what is this hay to be used for?"

"When I heard we were invading Dairyland, I took it upon myself to order some poisoned hay, so we could throw it into the fields of the enemy, and the cows would eat the poisoned hay, then die, and we would defeat Dairyland."

Giant General Bryant stood and stared at the still-beaming Major Giant for a moment, then closed his eyes and shuddered. "Forget what I said a moment ago about you seeming intelligent."

The Major was majorly befuddled. "Sir?"

"Your strategy, Major - while flawless from top to bottom, in principle - contains just one teensie-weensie, itsy-bitsy error."

"Sir?"

"We're waging war with Fairyland, you imbecile, NOT Dairyland!"

*      *      *            *      *      *

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, the New York World's Fairies hovered around their Fairy leader, Fairy Barry "Very Baritone" White. White had been promoted to General Fairy largely because his voice was vastly different when compared to the other fairies in that his voice was abnormally deep. Consequently, the fairy leaders reasoned it would command a great deal more respect than the typical Fairy voice, which many likened to the sound similar to that of a gerbil being stepped on. This, in turn, tended to make recruitment for the Royal Fairy Army all the more difficult. Of course, it was also considered to be a drawback - especially in times of war - that Fairy Barry chose to include the words 'love' and 'baby' in many sentences, but the Fairy elders thought it a wart they would just have to live with.

Fairy Barry cleared his throat, which typically meant he was about to say something. Curiously, whenever he did that, some sultry "mood music" always began playing in the background. This time was no different, and along with the music, the lights seemed to dim as well. This was particularly confusing to some, since it was 1 P.M. and they were outside at the time.

"Gather 'round baby, uh, I mean, Fairies," Barry baritoned. "I don't think I need to tell you what kind of odds we face in this conflict."

There was an immediate undertone of whispering among the Fairies. "Sir, I think we would like to know the odds," came a shout from the rear of the swarm.

"Well, Vegas has us at about ten to one underdogs," the courageous crooner replied.

More buzzing by the Fairies was followed by an anonymous voice shouting, "That's not so bad, Sir, in a conflict of this magnitude."

"Yeah, but it's ten to one against us even lasting ten minutes. It's a thousand to one against us winning the frickin' war!"

"Sir, how do we Fairies - the size of mere hummingbirds - wage war against the Giants, who are the size of high-rise buildings? We're like fruit flies compared to the Giants."

"Son...Please don't use 'fairies' and 'fruit' in the same sentence. We have an image problem as it is...Anyway, where was I? Oh yes...What we lack in size, we make up for in numbers..."

"But there's only twelve of us, Sir."

"Very well. Then, what we lack in size, we make up for in attitude."

"This sucks...We're going to get our Fairy butts kicked."

Barry the Fairy General winced. "Maybe it's time to re-think our strategy, baby."

*      *      *            *      *      *

Back in the Giant's camp, they were finalizing their attack plans. The General Giant was pacing back and forth in front of the men - a little trick he'd picked up when watching "Patton" a few weeks back - when he suddenly stopped and addressed one of the men in the front row. "Why aren't you in fatigues, Soldier?"

"Begging the General Giant's pardon, Sir, but I didn't see the need to change from a gray loincloth into a camouflage loincloth."

"That camouflaged loincloth could save your life, Soldier. Now get into uniform, immediately!"

"But, Sir, we stand three or four times taller than any tree. What good is a camouflage loincloth if we're not near any foliage to blend in with?"

"Alright, Private. Go out into the field and make yourself a sitting duck. See what I care!" General Giant turned and motioned to his Aide, whose nickname also happened to be 'Rite'. "Rite Aide...Would you please go over the attack plan one last time?"

"With pleasure, Sir. When we approach Fairyland, we will have a front of five Giants walking side-by-side. Behind them will be Fairy Larry, who will speak 'Fairy Lingo' - we spent $359 on a Learn Fairy In Just Ten Easy Lessons from Rosetta Stone. Fairy-speaking Larry, where are you?"

"Right here, Thir..." Fairy-speaking Larry skipped out from behind the other men, adorned in sparkling earrings and, even worse, had traded in his loincloth for a shocking pink thong. Fairy-speaking Larry capped his entrance by blowing kisses to the other Giants.

General Giant whispered to Rite Aide, "I think Larry might have become a bit too wrapped-up with his part in this mission." General Giant then shrugged. "Well, it's too late to change anything now." He the turned to Larry. "Son, what will your role in the attack be?"

Larry batted his baby blues. "Well, General, I'm going to crouch behind the big tushes of the other Giants, and when we get close to Fairyland, I'm going to start speaking 'Fairy' to the Fairy warriors, and entice them over near us, where we will have put up strips of 'Fairy paper' - a sticky substance similar to flypaper, and all the Fairies will become stuck. Fairyland will be ours." Once again, Fairy-speaking Larry batted his baby-blues and blew kisses to the other Giants.

The General Giant once again leaned over to Rite Aide and whispered, "I wonder if it's too late to make a trade..." Then he grimaced a giant grimace, and addressed his men a final time. "This isn't rocket science, gentlemen. Which is good, because between all of you. I doubt you could stick two Legos together. But that's not important now. Get out there and fight for all that's good and...Giant! And don't forget, men...Stand tall!"

"Nice finishing touch, Sir. Probably not necessary to tell Giants to 'stand tall', but nice touch anyway."

*      *      *            *      *      *

"Sir! The Giants are coming! The Giants are coming!"

General Barry the Fairy asked, "Okay, Paul Revere, how can you be so sure?"

"I put my ear to the ground, Sir. Its an old trick dating back a couple hundred years - it's how cowboys could tell cattle were stampeding."

"Very clever, Fairy Jerry. Just for future reference, though, with Giants there is a much easier method..."

"Like what, Sir?"

"Just look upward, Einstein!" Sure enough, the sky was becoming eclipse-like as the formidable figures of the New York Giants were filling the eastern sky.

"There looks to be seven or eight of them, Sir. It looks like a mismatch of gigantic proportions."

"Yes, you're right, since there are twelve Fairies. Since we have 'em out-numbered, maybe they'll surrender peacefully..."

"That's not quite what I meant, Sir. They're about one thousand times our size, so I would venture to say the old 'we-got-'em-out-numbered' routine might not wash..."

"Yes, but we're faster and smarter – for the most part, anyway - than the giants. Plus, they don't know what our 'Achilles heel' is, either. Well, I should probably make that 'Achilles butt'."

"And let's make sure we keep it that way. Remember, fairies: Loose lips sink ships. No ifs, ands, or Achilles butts."

"Way to not go overboard with the clichés, Sir."

*      *      *            *      *      *

And so it happened that the New York Giants came upon Fairyland, swords drawn in anticipation of attack upon the New York World's Fairies. No one was quite sure why the swords were drawn, because the fairies were way too minuscule to stab, but it did make for impressive video footage to send back home and air on the cable news networks, which probably would also help with future recruiting.

The Fairies, however, had done their homework and were ready to defend Fairyland. Armed with microscopic pea shooters, the little devils had loaded up their weapons with itching powder and were taking careful aim at locations in and around the Giants' loincloths. Just like that, the half-dozen or so Giants - overwhelming pre-battle favorites in the eyes of Las Vegas - were suddenly dropping their swords and doing what looked to be a Giant version of the 'Mexican Hat Dance'. Shortly thereafter, the Giants - screaming like school girls at a Justin Bieber concert - were in full retreat and in search of a giant bottle of calamine lotion.

The Fairies, surprised by the relative ease in which they disposed of their rivals, couldn't help but throw out a little trash talk. "Who are the fairies, now, you big bad Giants?"

*      *      *            *      *      *

Back at mission control, the Giants acknowledged the little cretins had presented them with a giant problem - something diabolical called 'strategy'. General Bryant the Giant massaged his temples in hopes of warding off a giant migraine.

"This is humiliating. Out-smarted by a swarm of frickin' gnats..." His voice trailed off with the sense of resignation that typically accompanies a humiliating defeat.

"Whatever can we do, Sir? We never anticipated the fairies being quite so intelligent..."

"I'm not sure it's that they're so intelligent - it's more a matter of us being so dumb."

"Sir, if I could make a suggestion..." A green arm arose in the back of the room.

"Stand up son, and let me see you." The General quickly noted the chlorophyllic tinge to the young man's skin. "You're not from around here, are you soldier?"

"No Sir."

"Where you from, Son?"

"Greenland, Sir."

"And your name..."

"Green Giant, Sir. Private First Class Green Giant, Sir."

"Very clever. And what is it you would like to suggest to the rest of us, Soldier?"

"Well, General Bryant, my diet of green beans, giblets, and brussel sprouts gives me a natural immunity to itching powder. Armed with a good supply of flypaper, I think I could go in there and wipe out the whole swarm."

General Byrant motioned to a couple of the other high-ranking officers in the room, and they went to the back of the room for a quick conference. After a few moments, General Bryant returned with a (giant) smile on his face. "Son, we're willing to give you a chance to see what you can do."

"You won't be sorry, General. Give me five minutes to go load up on some more brussel sprouts, eggplant, and lima beans, Sir, then I'll be ready for action."

The General, already experiencing some giant dry heaves just from thinking about eating that stuff, held up his hands, imploring Green Giant to cease and desist with the description. "You've already got me convinced, Son. Now go get 'em." 

*      *      *            *      *      *

The World's Fairies, still giddy from the shellacking they had just dished out to several of the mighty, mighty Giants only hours earlier, were not terribly concerned when they saw a solitary Giant looming across the horizon - green or not. Armed only with flypaper, the confident Fairies looked upon this fellow as just another notch on their tiny little fairy belts.

However, something funny happened on the way to the massacre. The Green Giant, who had evidently consumed - even for him - too many lima beans, was already beginning to double over in pain as he approached Fairyland. The Fairies, anticipating a victory without even the firing of a warning shot, began celebrating with an airborne victory dance. The gastric Giant turned around to begin a hasty retreat when he experienced a nasty gas pain, and quickly doubled over. The sudden pressure on the built-up stomach gas forced inadvertent 'blasts from the rear' which resulted in, coincidentally, the emission of a green gas from the hiney of Green Giant.

The Green Giant - gentleman that he was - turned around to excuse himself, but it was too late. In a scene reminiscent of the opening five minutes of Saving Private Ryan, there were Fairy bodies strewn across the countryside. Did I do that? Out of the corner of his eye, Green Giant saw one Fairy staggering around on the ground - apparently out of lethal range when the first shot was fired. To test his theory, Green Giant turned and aimed his formidable rear in the direction of the dazed opponent, and fired off another round. The immediate result - one very dead Fairy - answered any questions Green Giant had about the potency of his arsenal. He looked around for any additional survivors, but, without question, this round belonged to the Giants.

*      *      *            *      *      *

It should come as no surprise to anyone that the Green Giant and his 'arse-nal' secret weapon, and its resulting impact on the war set the Fairies' cause back just a smidgen. The morning after the 'Green Gassing' of Fairyland had the surviving Fairies running and flying around like panicked - well - Fairies. And it was not exactly calming to hear the thunderous footsteps of the approaching Green Giant, obviously on his way to complete the destruction of Fairyland.

Fairy Barry was eyeing the just-arrived replacements for the fallen Fairies, and shook his head as he contemplated the fate of this fresh group of warriors, inexperienced as they were. There must be something we've overlooked. If there was, it was imperative that they come up with it pretty fast, as a giant "Ho-ho-ho" was now audible from not far away.

"Sir, our scouts say that the Green Giant is loading up for one final attack on Fairlyland...He's gorging himself on broccoli and cauliflower, along with a special gas-inducing hummus dipping sauce."

"It's obvious he doesn't want any survivors." A forlorn Fairy Barry didn't know what to do - it appeared that the end was near (and the Giant's rear end was, literally), when, just out of the blue - or purple, if you will - the General had a brainstorm. "Everyone into the conference room immediately - I have an idea!"

*      *      *            *      *      *

The Green Giant, now a hero in the eyes of the New York Giants, and believed by all to be infallible, as a result experienced something of a personality change. He no longer marched - now he strutted.  He no longer said, "Yes, Sir" - that had been replaced by, "Ho-ho-ho."  He was no longer the Green Giant - now, he was The Man. After all, he knew he was only a brief victory away from promotion to Rear Admiral. As he approached the battlefield where so many had perished the day before, he laughed at the futility of the Fairy defenses.

What the Green Giant didn't realize was that the fairies - when flying around him - were dropping small amounts of Nexium into his hummus, and while he was loading up and preparing to once again release an emission as toxic as a Lady Gaga interview, he was in fact reducing the potency of his internal death machine. When he felt the time had come to eliminate - so to speak - the enemy, he crouched over, aimed his mighty rear at Fairyland, and let go with a mighty...nothing?

The Green Giant suddenly had a giant puzzle to solve: What in the world is going on back there? He gave the cauliflower and broccoli a whiff and the potency of that ammunition was not about to be questioned. He tried again to let one rip and, same as before...Nothing. And again: Zip...Zilch...Nada.

Finally, confused as a Green Giant could be, he took off running over the horizon, never to be seen again. Some say the last words out of his mouth - instead of "Ho-ho-ho" were now "Oh-no-no."

Fearing the Fairies had discovered a secret weapon that would render all Giant strategies impotent against the Fairies, the New York Giants closed up shop and took their act to the west coast, becoming the San Francisco Giants. Now, some might suggest that the Fairies moving to San Francisco would have been a more logical solution, as there already a number of Fairies in San Francisco, but we'll save that for the sequel.

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