Give Thanks You Are Not Us

Wc 577

Give Thanks You Are Not Us

A Turkey's Declaration of Dissent

By Jack Rawlins

When in the Course of avian events, it becomes necessary for one species to dissolve the commercial bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

So, even if nobody listens, I have to get this off my breast. Uncle Rodney was right: We get no respect. Folowing are just a few of my many grievances:

1. PETA (Please Eat The Animals) has screwed up a good thing. We used to nestle in nice harems with plenty of companionship. Now, thanks to those who think they can talk turkey and know what we want, we are often raised "Free Range." This means we give up the security of a nice comfortable four-star hotel with protective walls to waddle about in the open on constant lookout for coyotes, foxes, nasty hawks and turkey rustlers..

Is that any way to treat those about to make the supreme sacrifice?

2. We do not taste better when organically grown.Just like people, we need vitamins, minerals--and may I say it?--drugs to lead a healthy life.

Would you deprive your loved ones of vaccines, flu shots, the benefits of modern medicine and proper nutrition? I think not; Then why us? Taste tests of organic vs. conventionally raised turkeys stumped the snobs: they could not taste any difference,

Personally, I would rather not be a part of such research.

3. We are used as examples of losers. "He's a real turkey," is not a term of endearment. Nor is the expression, "It's all gobbledegook." How can one say such things,then in the next breath say, "Let's talk turkey?"

In fairness though, when your head is on the block and you are about to lose it with no severance pay—you really are a big loser.

4. The ultimate example of disrespect: artificial insemination. One might well ask, "Just what does a tom turkey do?" Not what we used to do, that’s for sure. Today,most hens are artificially inseminated. It's like we don't know how to do the job. Well, those turkey-ophiles who collect our semen don't fool us. They get their jollies when they fondle our feathers with their collector's vials, then squirt their collection into a surprised hen. And the ultimate insult: It's all done without the foreplay of a nicely executed and exciting turkey strut.

I know I speak with one voice for the toms of the world when I say, "Please. I'd rather do it myself."

5. Why didn't anyone listen to Ben? Mr. Franklin sold a lot of good ideas, but could not sell the idea of making a turkey the symbol of our New Nation. Honestly,is a mean-looking eagle right for a peace- loving people? I think not. Those about to die would probably agree.

Since my time is brief, I'll conclude my remarks with with a paraphrase : “And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, I pledge to all turkeys, my Fortunes and my sacred Honor. And to separate those commercial bonds which connect me to another--.I'm outta here!” I suggest you do the same.

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