Life Lessons of a Beauty Shop Queen

My name is Florence Gatchall. Friends call me Flo. My momma always said, "Life is like a circle. What goes around comes around." Well, I’m on the “comes around” side of it as I head back home to Arkansas. I thought I would tell you about the “goes around” part.

Oil Trough, Arkansas is a friendly little place in a sportsman’s paradise. I had just married my high school sweetie after three miserable years of education I never could reason how to use. Joe Bob Gatchall is my husband. He’s named for his daddy, Bob Gatchall. His daddy hated the name so made everybody call him Joe, his favorite name.

Being newly weds; of course my hubby was into all that stuff you can’t talk about in church. I had no idea there was so much game playin' involved in bein' a wife. For a long while I just never got any rest, him always after me for one thing or another. Then, just like that, I got “saved” and Joe Bob got NASCAR. That cooled things off a lot. So much so that Joe Bob was spending more times with that car and his mechanic Larry than his own wife. I didn’t complain at first. What with bein' number thirteen of fifteen kids, momma had warned me what marriage could turn into. I didn’t want to go there, if you know what I mean. I got bored after a while, even started to miss some of them games, especially “Hide the Weenie.” So I found me a job at a local Beauty Shop. That’s what we call them down home. So, life went on real casual, and I got perty good at makin' a "silk purse out of a sow’s ear” if you get my meaning. Of course, we treat everybody nice down there. Most of the time you’re working on a relative. Truth is we’re probably always working on a relation and just don’t know it. Know what I’m sayin'? So we treat everybody nice.

Well, one day Joe Bob comes home and says, "We’re headin' North where the big money is, get packed." He won some kind of a race. The car was already packed, so he needed me and Gator to get movin'. Gator, that’s our pit bull. Joe Bob got him for me as company. He don’t like me much. Heck he don’t care for nobody. I only take his muzzle off him so he can eat. Don’t need to lose another finger as I need most all I got left for my work.

So we ended up in Bridger Kentucky and just so happens I have a second cousin four times removed who owns a Bo-Teek. That’s what they call a beauty shop up North here. Bein' a fancy place with three whole rooms and two chairs, my cousin Pervis wants to be called Bruce. What do I know about what they do up here? Anyway it’s a job, and I need it.

My first day, I’m all wound up and wiggly and in waddles my first customer. She’s a beer keg in fancy clothes, though why a body would dress like that is beyond me. But momma told me things was different up North. There is a tiny white puff ball on the end of a sparkly leash attached to her chunky fist. Poodle she calls it and Misty by name. Well Bruce starts in on her right off about no dogs, and she, of course, starts whining and claimin' Misty is a service dog she can’t go nowhere without. So he gives me that look. Service dog my foot! She’s so low to the ground nothing could service her except maybe a squirrel. Now wouldn’t that be a show? Anyway, should she be talking about that kind of stuff in public? So I head her to my area and size her up from the back. She must no nuthin' about washin' 'cause you can see she shrunk her pants. They're too tight and only come down to the middle of her calves. Got on these weird skimpy shoes with the toes stickin' out the front and a wild sleevless top that reminds me I forgot to take out that sausage I wanted for dinner. Lord!, the bracelets and rings and necklaces. I never seen the like down home but I heard about them women from Reverend Toothacher. Oh well, God loves us all specially the fallen and unsaved. For sure, she would not fit in at the Evangelical Free Baptist Church looking like that. It’s a free church cause not all the folks trade in cash. Some bring in eggs, pies, livestock and other stuff for the offering collection.

Guess this is what Joe Bob calls someone who has “made it” here in the North. Hope he don’t think I am gonna take after folks like that. So I put my game face on, get her comfortable and I don’t take two steps and what in the heck am I stepping in? Well you know darn well what it is. The kegger smiles and says "You  make Misty nervous." I sure would like to turn the Gator lose on Misty. Now that would make any body nervous and real uncomfortable once he got around behind her, if you know what I mean.

So I'm bendin' over to clean up an off my shoe when I get a tremendous pain where ole Misty is now hangin' off my left cheek. Never would guess something that short could jump like that. Lucky for her Bruce heard the scream and came by to help pry the puff ball off a me. Gave me that look again too. That is sposed to remind me of our hirein' talk about bein' nice at all times. 

I got my smile back and was checkin' her hands. She had been blabbin' the whole time 'bout how they have this big boat and sail here, sail there and sometimes sleep on the thing too. From the look of her hands I had to ask “Do you ever do work on that Yat?” They call the boat a Yat up North. She told me "I help out sometimes." Well for her own good and as nice as I could I told her "Next time you have to scrape the barnacles off the bottom of the tub you should wear gloves."

Next thing I know she's off to the next room draggin' Misty by the neck. Back she comes with Bruce in tow. He calms her down telling her "Your service will be half price" and guess who’s half it’s commin' out of? Then off in a corner we have this other conversation about stuff you got in the North called ”Customer Service” and “The customer is always right”. Well I’m thinking every woman out there, especially the married ones, knows that’s a load of manure. I don’t say nothing though. Gratefully, while I’m bein' educated, Peggy, the other working girl, has done for those paws on the beer keg. Peggy only does half days till she drops number eight. Told me between the seven she has and her husband she may need to have those faucets of hers relined. Feels like she’s been nursing for ten years straight.

Well that means I got Misty’s momma again, this time for feet. I know exactly why those feet are in such sorry condition. Anybody knows you can’t go runnin' around in skimpy shoes with them toes hangin' out the front end. Says "I just want them touched up and polished." I’m thinking “overhaul”. I tell her "This may take more than one session" which sets her off on how if I knew what I was doin', wasn’t tryin' to take advantage, no respect and a lot of other stuff. So that sets my jaws  to grindin' and it just slips out “You can’t fool me lady, I was raised on a farm. I know a hoof when I see one.”

She flys off again almost snappin' Misty's neck racin' to the next room. Here they come again, Bruce leadin' the way. Now he’s my cousin and I respect that, but the deal we have now, where I now get zero for the job and have to apologize too, was a real pill to swallow. Well I didn’t know when or if I was gonna see Joe Bob again, him off NASCARin' somewhere, I had to take a big gulp of pride and offer the keg a free facial. Now I am real good at that kind of work, but I’m smart enough to know that slappin' a coat of paint on a mule’s ass don’t make him a race horse. So when she tells me she wants to look like a cross between Cher and some blond named Brittany I have to consider my position real good. She says "How long will it take?" she has to meet hubby on the boat.

You know not all our choices in life are easy. Especially if your saved and livin' in a sinful world. So I’m caught between this “customer service” stuff and bein' honest like Reverend Toothacher says. I’ve only had the one other job so getting fired wasn’t that awful even if it was a relative doin' the deed. I couldn’t let the reverend down so I was only bein' honest when I told her “Yeah I can do it, but it would be a whole lot easier if you had a different face.”

So I‘m headed home, just me and the Gator. Come to find out, Joe Bob and Larry are a couple now. Pretty common up North. I guess, Larry offerin' Joe Bob discounts on tires and oil changes just did it for hubby. I wish them all the best and I hope Larry likes games, especially “Hide the Weenie”.

WC 1649