|Prompt: BAD fanfic with an unusual pairing
NB be warned - this is supposed be clichéd and terrible!
Thanks to Poppy for the challenge, & Katie for the fandom
As the final clangs of the last bell died away, Xander caught sight of Buffy and Willow. He walked faster to catch up. Laughing, the three Scoobies hurried on to the library. Leaning nonchalantly against the wall was Oz, but even from across the hall, Xander could see the dazed expression on the werewolf’s face.
“Whoa, don’t go in there, man. I mean, just don’t.” Oz gestured vaguely towards the library doors. “Dunno what sortta demon we got here, but it’s a real sicko this time.
” Demon?” Buffy demanded tossing her lustrous blond locks. “A demon in my libr… in Giles’ library?!” With that, she thrust her way forward, sapphire eyes blazing, and stormed into the library.
The remaining Scoobies eyed one another uneasily.
“D’ya think we should, y’know, maybe like follow her or something. Not that she’s needs following. Not Buffy. She’s like the slayer. Like the super-slayer. When she slays, things stay slain….” Willow trailed off.
A sharp cry from within the library startled the Scoobies and brought them back to their senses, and with a cry of ‘that’s Buffy!’ they charged into the library.
Before them was a sea of pink.
A cornucopia of frills and taffeta. The mysterious dark and cave-like biblio-sanctuary of Giles was gone and in its place stood a monstrosity of girly interior design.
Lace curtains hung from the windows and a pale gauzy thing fluttered across the doorway to Giles’ inner office. The table was draped in a pale pink cloth that on closer inspection had, yes, love hearts printed all over it. Scented candles wafted vanilla from a nearby bookcase and a big vanity mirror stood perched on Giles’ desk, enormous make-up bulbs jutting out from it’s face.
“Giles. Oh Giles honey-bee, where are you?”
The Scoobies turned as a slim figure brushed passed the gauzy-curtain-thing. “Gilesy?”
Bewildered, Buffy and the gang stared as Harmony bent to look under the table. “Well?!” She demanded, straightening. “Don’t just stand there; help me look for Gilesy-Wilesy.”
“Gilesy-Wilesy?” Xander hissed out the corner of his mouth.
“Don’t look at me bro. English accents don’t really do it for me.” Oz grinned back. He bent and looked under the table too. “Um, Harm. Why exactly are we looking under the table for Giles anyway?”
Harmony sighed dramatically. “Because I used the ‘B’ word.” She sighed again, even more dramatically. “Bath, silly. I said ‘I’m gonna give you a bath now honey-pops’ and he just ran.”
She disappeared behind a row of bookcases, her thin voice filtering back. “Giles! Oh Gilesy-poo!”
Gilesy-poo? Xander and Willow mouth at each other. Gilesy-poo?
Just at that moment, a little white dog, replete with an enormous pink bow round its neck, darted out from behind Buffy.
“Oh there you are!” Harmony trilled as she re-appeared. With a joyful chirp, she scoped the little dog up into her arms and planted a kiss on its nose. “Naughty Giles, running away when I was going to give you a bath. Yes I was. Yeeeees I was!”
Xander hadn’t actually realised that Harmony could gush any more than her usual dizzy self, but the words just kept coming. “Yes it is bath time!” “Who’s a lucky boy den?” “Ickle-wickle Giles is da lucky boy!” “M-wah!” This last stomach churning noise was the sound of another loud kiss, smack on the poor dog’s face.
“Um, Harm?” Willow found her voice at last. “Um, what, well, what exactly happened?”
“Hmm? Oh, you mean the library? I just re-decorated.” Harmony beamed. “It was so dreary. All those old books. I mean, who reads? Giles has absolutely no taste you know. Looooovely accent and that whole sexy-older-man thing. Bit librarian I know, not my usual but…” She drifted off.
“Er, I think Willow meant the dog.” Oz volunteered. “It’s just Giles seems to have more legs than usual. Two legs. That’s Giles. Know him anywhere with two legs. Two legs and dodgy Limey tweed jacket with elbow patches. This one’s… I dunno. Fluffier than normal maybe? More with the barking, less with the nervy throat clearing. And more legs. Did I mention Giles normally has two?”
Oz broke off and smiled brightly at Harmony.
“What? No you moron. Giles is out getting ice-cream. Ben & Jerry’s. Little Giles and I are just refreshing ourselves for when Mr Sexy Accent Dreamboat gets back. Aren’t we Gilesy-poo?” She nuzzled her face into the dog’s back.
Gilesy-poo gave a yelp and struggled to get free.
“Um, right. Well we’ll just, um, just. We’ll just be going. Get outta your fur…. hair!” Xander spluttered, inching backwards towards the door.
Willow held her ground.
“Ice-cream? Mr Dreamboat? Okay, the sexy accent bit I get, but dreamboat? When did you and Giles get all smoochy-poo?”
“Oh, just after that herbal tea Amy made. I spilt coffee all down her new top. The pistachio coloured silk one? Genuine D&A. I was devastated. Guess she was trying to cheer me up. No hard feelings and all that. Oh, and she gave some to Giles so he’d lend her some stuffy old book she wanted.”
“This is just sick,” Xander muttered to Willow. “Pairing Giles and Harmony? It’s just wrong.”