How to manipulate Men

This piece was written before "Real Men Cry" and did, in fact, inspire it.

Men are primarily hunters and scavengers. Task oriented doers. We take our spears and assume we are the only ones who know how to use one. Thus, we go out in search of the wooly mammoth. Then, after a long time in the forest, return to the village (no mammoth usually) to grab a hunk of bread. After breaking (or mauling) bread, we join the elders around the fire perpetuating hunting stories that, for the most part, probably never happened.

We are natural story tellers. But we must be doing something when we relate to others. Arms and legs must flail in defiance of gravity as we promote our unique view of the world.

Ever notice how, at a party, men gather at the pool table waving beers and cue sticks while telling inflated stories that incite grunts of laughter? Ever notice how women sit in a tidy crescent around the coffee table waving hands and stir sticks telling cat stories that incite peels of laughter. Their stories then focus on life with their hairy mates. These are usually anecdotes that are either tragic or triumphant. Women either whine or wax eloquently about life with their significantly unmanageable other.

Ultimately, women like to manipulate men and talk about it. But here are some tips from a man who has almost seen it all. Ladies, boys like to play. The first tasks you assign them should involve play. "Honey, please play with little Jo or Joette for 20 minutes while I (pick something he'd hate to do) empty the hamper."

Next time, you can ask him to a) play with Jo, and then b) empty the hamper while you start the wash. The list can get longer, but this is not really the point. Never read a list to a man. Just hand him a list and instruct him simply to do what is on the list.

It's about setting the context within which to teach a Neanderthal new tricks. The opportunity is there to make him a hero in his own mind. As he plays with little Jo, you find the right moment to come into the room with a camera and take a picture. "Oh honey, I couldn't resist. You are such a wonderful Father. "

This is, albeit, a very simple example of manipulation. But ladies - it's in your genes and your jeans. Men must be manipulated through single-minded tasks. Don't paint the global picture for them. Use your brain to get them to DO things; the little things they will probably excel at.

And when we do something that makes you feel good, we tend to be more disposed to become involved in other facets of life. Men do not respond well to nagging. We are task oriented. You manage and we do. You nag and we don't. OR --- we do and do it reluctantly and incompletely.

Reward us when we do something well. Throw us a compliment. Give us a beer. This is often where most women will say, "Forget it. I shouldn't have to do anything." The reality is it's a two-way street. If you want HIM to do something, then YOU have to do something. And the pain is minimal. A little feminine manipulation is all it takes. (I thought women liked that kind of thing, anyway.)

Women have this nasty habit - remember I'm a man so let me finish - of expecting us to - well - just - KNOW what we're supposed to do; know what you're thinking and ---egad --- feeling. We don't! Please, get the concept. We sense, we avoid, we forget AND we just don't know - you know?

However, we can be taught and, like children, constantly reminded.

But puh-lease - don't ever ever ever EVER say - "Honey, now don't get defensive, but I really need you to support me with this (whatever 'this' is)."

We will get defensive and we won't really support you all that well because now we feel guilty and confused. Nothing worse than a guilty and confused Neanderthal holding a spear waiting for a wooly mammoth.

I don't need as much coaching anymore. I just mumble 'yes' to most everything.