Tooter Tabasco & The Hotties Xmas Redux

WC 668

Tooter Tabasco & The Hotties Xmas Redux

By Jack Rawlins

When Tooter Tabasco arrived from Puerto Rico in the South Jersey town of Sweet Tater, all he had was his trumpet and one change of underwear. Two years later he was a headliner with his own six-piece all-girl (except for him) orchestra and had lots of monogrammed silk undies, including some of his own.

Tooter would be the first to admit, his was not the finest group of musician ever assembled. "But damn!" he exclaimed,"They sure look good." Truth was, the predominantly Latino community of Sweet Tater came to look more than listen. No group could put more sex into a song without looking slutty than The Hotties .

Tooter, himself was a fine musician, but a lousy business man. He was too loyal for his orchestra's own good. He felt he owed a lot to the lovelies that had rocketed him to success. But, as the group aged, spread and sagged, ratings dropped

Soon the group spent more time at hair dressers, spas and Weight Watchers than at rehearsals. They never did sound good. Now they also looked bad.. Finally,Tooter tossed in his baton and went to work as "First Call Bugler" at a racetrack in Florida.

Tooter was fairly content. For many years he got paid to play and had time to play the ponies. But he was full of nostalgia for the old days. Something was missing.

And then one night he saw Betty White on Television. A night later he attended a Tony Bennett concert.. The next day he had an epiphany." Betty is almost ninety. Tony is eighty-five. I'm only eighty. There's still time. I’ll get the old group together and we'll do the Sweet Tatar Christmas concert pro-Bono."

Tooter had never given away anything in his life, but he figured it would be good public relations.

Sweet Tatar is a tiny town, with a very teeny budget. City Council liked the idea of a free program.

After a search of long- term care facilities , retirement homes and correctional facilities, Tooter was able to locate all six orchestra members and convince all but one to do the concert.( One he couldn't convince, because she had been dead for six years.)

News that "Tooter and The Hotties” were poised for a comeback did not create much excitement in Sweet Tater. "Tooter Tabasco? That's a hot one! He must be a hundred by now," was pretty much the opinion of the few who remembered him at all..

And so it came to pass, Tooter, and all the originals (except the one with a previous commitment) hobbled on stage at The American Legion Hall on the night before Christmas.

When they cut loose with Feliz Navidad, they gave new meaning to the Biblical injunction, to "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord." They got the noise part right, but that was about it. There was little joy in their music. The trombone player whose lip hadn't touch anything but a teacup in year’s blasted some notes that had never been invented. Angie, the arthritic drummer, lost her touch, let her grip slip, and one of her drumsticks flew into the audience and landed in a man's lapel pocket.. Giselle the guitarist on a special pass from her warden was wearing an ankle tracking bracelet. It screwed up the whole sound system. The accordion player had a wardrobe malfunction. She snagged a blouse button in the bellows of her instrument as she squeezed a high note.

Tooter Tabasco himself tooted a few clinkers that were painful to the ear of even those who were tone deaf.

So, half way through the concert, Tooter realized a comeback was just an old fart's fantasy. "Ladies and gentlemen , he sighed "It's already passed the orchestra's bedtime, so we'll close with this old favorite, "Good Night Ladies."

The polite audience leaped to its feet en mass and applauded in wild relief..

Tooter Tabasco & The Hotties Xmas Redux was an idea whose time had come-- and gone.

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