An All American Girl

         I came home from hockey practice, it was nearly 2am and I was exhausted. Juggling ice hockey, school, friends, and clubs was starting to take its toll on me, but I didn’t care I had fallen in love with college life. I came in as quiet as possible so I wouldn’t wake my sleeping roommates; thank God we all have our own rooms. Despite my attempts to be quiet I was failing rather miserably; the door slammed opened, my kickers were dragging causing I nice jingling sound across the floor, my goalie stick fell out of my hand and hit the fire extinguisher making it come crashing down in a loud bang echoing across the apartment. I froze for a second prepared to hear angry, groggy voices coming from my roommate’s bedrooms. I heard nothing, they were either very deep sleepers or they had just gotten use to my “quiet entrances”. After hearing the door click closed I dragged my stuff to my room, ignoring the fire extinguisher, and threw my gear where ever there was room. I looked around my room; it was dark since I hadn’t felt the need to turn on the lights but the light from the street light outside filled it with a slight eerie glow allowing me to see how messy things were in here. I sighed, I have always been a messy person but the because I am so busy it had gotten worse; dirty dishes were scattered by my bedside, towels that had probable grown musty and most likely needed washed, which than brought me to the fact that I had a laundry (and floor) full of dirty clothes. I shrugged and put a note in my head to do it the next time I had some down time, yeah right, and preceded to the bathroom to take a shower. I pulled of my now rather smelly clothes and threw them in a pile by the door. I walked to the shower feeling excited for the warm water I was going to shortly experience and then turned the faucets on to boiling hot. The water came pouring out in a loud roar and the room quickly filled with steam from the heat. I put my hand under the water, scorching hot just the way I like it. I pulled my hand out and up from the water towards the faucet and pulled up the lever, except it didn’t go up. “Shit.” I said, I forgot it was still broken and I needed to call the maintenance man to come and take care of it, “Looks like I’ll be taking a bath again tonight.” I didn’t really mind, in fact I found myself growing fond of these very hot baths but I was tired and I still had homework to do, I just wanted to wash the hockey gear muck off of me as quickly as possible.

         I sighed again and push the stopper down to allow the tub to fill with water, I looked around while I’ll I was waiting and saw that my bathroom was in the same state as my bedroom. Dirty clothes everywhere, my sink was covered in my daily grooming supplies, and my toilet was in need of some mild scrubbing; but I loved my little bathroom because it was mine and I didn’t have to share with anyone. I heard the sound of water splashing loudly against the now much fuller tub causing me to come back to it and I stepped in. I flinched immediately, the searing hot water seemed to burn my flesh and it had already turned red from the touch. I ignored it and sunk down into the water feeling my body yelp is some mild discomfort but it felt so good. I felt my body relax as the hot water flowed over my body and I forgot about hockey, school, and pretty much everything else. I sat there for a while not really thinking about anything which is a very rare occurrence for me and then I started scrubbing my mind empty allowing my body to just take over a task it had done since I was three. After scrubbing every bit of me I just laid back, allowing my head to sink into the water so only my eyes, nose, and mouth were above it. The water was still rather warm but not hot enough for me so I undid the stopper and allowed some of the water to drain before filling it back up again so it would return to the burning heat I wanted. Once satisfied with the temperature of my bath I returned my head back into the water and again thought about nothing. But alas, my mind is not one to stay quiet and thoughts began to fill my mind as if the water had found its way into my brain through my ears. The thoughts were not bad in fact they were quite good, they were of the first person to ever show me love and affection and the first person I have loved. Her name was Mrs. F, my old English teacher from middle school. I thought of her often, she saw how alone I was and took my under her wing showing me as much and affection she could; and she did it not because she had to but because she wanted to. It was genuine affection. I fell in love with her and until the day I die a part of my heart will always belong to her, no one can take away the feeling of your first love. I still talked to her she told me she was proud of me and she loved me. I thought of her smile and kind eyes that made my body feel warm all over despite it already being rather hot from the water. I felt myself being filled with euphoria from the thought of her, from our talks, her touch, and her beautiful laugh. I smiled and felt myself shift in the water causing it to splash about slowly. I felt happy like nothing bad could happen to me as long as I thought about her; she was my happy thought it kept me flying.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Said the sickly, sweet voice I knew all too well.

         My eyes flew open and two black one stared down at them. Sweeney, my alter and my hallucination who never allowed me a moment of true peace. Her eyes were as dark as night, along with her long thick, dark hair that had small streaks of white fell around her face , and she was wearing the evil grin she always had on when she knew I was enjoying myself.

“What do you want Sweeney?” I asked her, annoyed that she interrupted me during a happy, pleasurable moment.

“I just wanted to know what you were thinking about that was making you so happy.”

“You know what I was thinking about Sweeney you’re a part of me. You know everything I know.”

         She sat up and my eyes followed to see what she was doing. She lazily leaned against the wall, sitting on the edge of the tub starring down at me her smile gone from her face.

“You need to stop thinking about her, I told you she doesn’t really love you or care about you. No one ever truly will my dear I’m the only one who does.” She said to me as her eyes grew cold and somehow darker, she was getting ready to sink her teeth into me and I knew it. I ignored her and turned my head so that I was staring at the ceiling, but my happiness was gone and my brow was scrunched up from my displeasure of it. She did not like my silent treatment, she never did.

“Hey,” she said loudly, “do you hear me.” She put her hand in the water and splashed some on my face. I ignored her still, but she was agitating me and she knew it. Her lips curled into a playful little smile and she began to splash the water into my face repeatedly. After about a minute of getting splashed in the face I finally, to her pleasure, reacted.

“Stop!” I yelled, and I sat up pulling my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. I hated her; I hated everything she said to me even if every word was the damn truth. I rested my head on my legs getting ready for the tongue lashing I was about to receive.
“You always get so mad at me when all I am trying to do is help you.” She pulled herself from the wall and leaned in closer to me. She reached out to touch me, but I pulled away fast causing water to spill out of the tub and onto the floor. This made her mad and she was going to let me know she was not happy.

         “Why do you do this? Hmm? I am the only person who has EVER truly cared and loved you. I give you strength! I am the reason you are still breathing on this earth! Without me you would have been dead long ago or you would have ended up as pathetic as the rest of your filthy family! I am not being mean here, I am being honest! Once you accept me and the things about yourself you never want to truly admit you will be much happier. Look at you! Your fat, ugly, and you almost have no social skills! Do you really expect to anyone to fall in love with you?” Her words hit me like acid and they hurt because every word was true. I felt a tear trickle down my face, but I said nothing I just stood up and stepped out of the bathtub. I grabbed the towel and went to wrap it around me but she grabbed my hand. “No,” she said, “Wipe off the mirror and look at yourself, it seems to be the only way to remind what you look like.”

         I did as I was told, I used the towel to wipe the fogged up mirror and looked at myself. I looked disgusting. My body is swelled, I’m fat, I have scars on my belly from an operation, small scars on my breast from the flesh eating bacteria I got from changing adult diapers, and I was as red as a cooked lobster from the bath. My face would be pretty if it was disfigured from all the fat. I hate myself, no one hates me more than me. Silent tears fall from my face and I bow my head in shame. Sweeney walks up behind me, she wraps her arms around, pulls me in close, and rests her head on my left shoulder.

“You know I can make you beautiful. Whenever you start to let me out just a little bit you never eat, you have more energy, and you actually care what you look like.” She whispered into my ear. “All you have to do is just let me in so I can come out to play.” She nuzzled her nose against my wet hair like a cat in attempting to show affection to its owner.

“Get off of me!” I said as I pushed her away from me and wrapped the towel around me. I walked out of the bathroom and into my bedroom. I flicked on the light and started getting ready for bed. Sweeney followed me and was watching as I got dressed but was pacing with rage.
“Why do you push me away? I am the only one who has your best interest at heart!” She yelled at me picking up pace. Her hair had grown short and curly as it usually did when she was angry. “I love you!”

“I know you do.” I replied calmly as I pulled up my boxers and picked up my brush that I had left on my bed from this morning.
She stopped pacing and looked at me as if shocked by my comment. Her hair turned back to the straight, long look she had before. Her eyes were burning a hole in the back of my head and I could feel them staring at me. She came in close, like she always did when trying to be sweet, and put her arms around my waist and whispered in my left ear.

“If you know that I love you than why don’t you listen to me? You know I’m always right and I don’t say these things to hurt you I say them to protect you. I see how you look at that Malinda girl from the club you are in. I know you think she likes you, but she doesn’t. We go through this every time you get a crush on someone. If you attempt to go after her or anybody else you will get hurt, wither it’s trying to have relationship or just being close friends, you will get hurt. But if you let me out, I promise you I can get you any woman you wanted, and they would never be able to hurt you.” Her breath had began to grow rapid, the thought that she might be able to convince me to let her out made her excited.

“If I let you out,” I whisper back, “Than people will die, you are a monster Sweeney. A serial killer in the making and I cannot take the chance of seeing innocent people hurt. As much as I enjoy the idea of having someone, if it was you that were in control I wouldn’t really have them. I’d be numb and I would take what I wanted and discard an empty shell. No this I cannot allow.”
She let go of me, her hair curly and short once more. “You’re a monster too!” She spat in my ear. “You want to kill just as bad as I do, and you like it!”

“I want to kill evil people, real monsters! Parasites! Child molesters, rapist, murders of the innocent!” I screamed as I spun around to face her. “I am not like you! I see the way you look at those pretty preppy girls at the school when they walk by and I get a whiff of their perfume! I can feel those veil thoughts rise up in you and that want to see them on our rope!”

“Shut up! You enjoy those feelings! It’s bitches like that, that have made your life miserable during high school! They have, still, and always will taunt you with the fact you don’t look like them and they will always be a step ahead of you because of their looks! Fuck them! Their nothing but a bunch of little whores! LET! ME! OUT!”

“NO!!! The last time I let you out was in the hospital and you wanted to smother the lady they had rooming with me. Then you told the psychiatrist you wanted to torture her and rape her before slitting her throat! No Sweeney, fucking no!”

         Sweeney let out her evil laugh that would make grown men shiver. She was enjoying this memory, I wasn’t and she knew it and it was making her so happy to see me squirm. I hated remembering that day; being completely out of control, feeling nothing but what I can only describe as pure evil, all I could feel was Sweeney’s need to bring pain and suffering.
“Mmmmm.” She moaned and bit her lip. “Dr. Arabic Lady.”

“Dr. Kuba!”

         She flashed her perfect white teeth at me; I swear sometimes I thought they were fangs. “Oh my, someone did have a little crush didn’t we?”

“You know I have always had a thing for Arabic women, but no I didn’t she was a good person trying to help others!”

“No she wasn’t and you know it! She was a self centered bitch who thought she was better than everybody else because she was intelligent and had a bloody PhD! Fuck her she was a god damn quack and you know you would have loved to have heard her scream.” Her smile came back on the last part of her little rant and she knew she had pissed me off. I hate admitting that Sweeney is nothing more than my inner most darkness, she is a part of me even though I am nothing like her. She is every bit of pain and anger I have ever felt in my life rolled into a single conscience thing. I was shaking in anger and I could feel her trying to come out using my anger as a window to take over me. I twitched and shivered fighting off that cool pleasurable feeling that was her.

“I will not let you out and if I have to live a lonely miserable life forever then so be it! But I think someone will see my strength and my kindness and like me one day.”

“Stop fooling yourself you stupid girl! You know your place! You are a Phantom always chasing after the Christines but always destined to lose them to the Rauls. You are going to die alone in the shadows and I am the only one who will be able to bring you true happiness in this fucking horrible world! You were born into a family that did not love or truly want to you! You were a mistake and not meant for this world! Let me in and I will make it better! Please.” Her hair was back to normal, she was trying to be sweet and loving again, but I ignored it and laid down into bed. Homework could wait till later on in the day I had a late class. I was even more tired now, fighting with Sweeney was a constant thing but whenever we have our big fights like this I am utterly exhausted. My head hit the pillow, I said my Shema, and I slowly drifted off to sleep with Sweeney laying on my left side.

         Screaming, yelling, and blood. I could taste the blood, it was metal taste and I could feel its warm stickiness against my body. I was staring down at some woman, I couldn’t recognize her face but she was screaming and begging. I merely laughed and returned to cutting her with a rather large knife I had in my left hand. It made contact with her body and I could feel the pressure from the blade attempting to slice into her flesh. Oh god it is so real and I am so frightened. Another night terror showing me my worst fear; me as a monster hurting an innocent person and not even giving a shit. I struggled to wake up trying to ignore the screams, oozy sticky blood, and my sick feeling of enjoying every minute of it; except that wasn’t me it was Sweeney, but Sweeney is a part of me yet I am scared and I want to wake up I do not like this. I finally wake up sweating, my heart racing, and my lungs gasping for air. I reach out into the night hoping that I would feel the warmth of another human being so they could comfort me, but there was no one just like it always was and just like it will always be. Then I feel a hand grab mind, yet it is not warm or cold it is but solid. I look to see who the hand belongs to and there she was Sweeney looking at me with sad eyes, she truly does love me and hates seeing me in such pain. I start to cry and she holds me and I let her even though she is the cause of my pain. She is there for me just like she always was and always will be.