A Few Things On My Mind

Things I've been thinking about lately, in no particular order:

--Sex. It's been two weeks since I last masturbated and almost four weeks since I've had the urge to. I just did it two weeks ago to get myself in the mood. Because I thought I should; like the same way you floss before the dentist appointment. But by and large, I haven't felt the need for it. Not a twinge or craving or anything. There are times I don't even think about sex, and when I do I find it difficult to hold onto the thought before it evaporates.

It frightens me; I'm forty-three years old and feel like my sex life is dying.

--My marriage. Over the summer my husband called and said "We have an Us problem." Yes, sex was part of the problem, but he felt frustrated because the "fun chick", the woman who wanted adventure and was willing to try new things (thank God we never got pulled over) disappeared. He feels like she went away when our daughter was born and since then, my life has been everything Sarah.

--Writing. I'm writing a Doctor Who fanfiction piece and I'm wondering "why?" I'm not a huge fan of the show (even though it's fun to watch.) I feel like I'm floundering. Check that, I feel like I'm an already dead fish. Maybe I needed a place to hang Kitty Tenkiller and Doctor Who was the most convenient place. I'm afraid of continuing the St. Louis historical mystery I've been working on. It won't be good enough, not smart enough, not accurate enough. When will the research be over?

--Avon. Should I give it up now or when we move? It's so easy to stay with something that doesn't demand much of you. It's not my risk. But on the other hand, I feel stupid because I thought I'd be--ha, ha--making money doing this. It's a pyramid scheme with a good product, but a pyramid scheme nonetheless. If I give it up, quit, walk away, I'll see myself as a failure. So will my daughter. My pride is very large right now.

--Had a fight last night with Mike. Let's just say he shone a bright, white interrogation lamp on my faults and I didn't like seeing them. Nobody does. I got mad at him because he made me look at them and I got mad at myself for having them. Part of me wanted to hurt him back. But I didn't. I spent part of the night in a dark bedroom, crying.

--Me. You ever avoid the mirror because you don't like what you see? I do. Can't stand having my picture taken. Don't like standing in front of mirrors. I told Mike once that I feel like I'm not a complete person. Not fully formed. I don't know enough words to argue properly. My opinions aren't strong enough to stand on their own.