2012 'Dear Me' letter

Dear me,

Well, you've done it. You've lived forty years. Yeah, forty. Oh...my...God. Imagine what you would have said to yourself if you'd known you'd live this long. Just imagine!

Age: 1 - Okay, so talking to yourself as an infant is less than productive, but you sure were cute, so I had to visit.

Age: 4 - "Little Niki, remember these days. Dad will leave soon and mom will never be the mom you need, so sit back and enjoy this moment in life. Remember the love you are surrounded by. Feel the arms of both mom and dad. Feel everything good and remember what it was to be safe."

Age: 6 - "Sure, things have changed. Dad's gone. Baby Patrick is in and out of the hospital, I can't remember how many surgeries he has had, but he's going to be fine. Those doctors that told mom he'd die before he turned five are wrong. The Mayo does work miracles and Pat will be one of them. They will fix his heart...and it will work until he needs another surgery in his thirties, but he'll survive that one, too."

"I know that right now it feels like everyone has forgotten you. They're busy, and you have always seemed okay with being left to your own devises. They assume that you will be okay, and they are right. You will need to become even more self-sufficient as you get older. Be strong, learn from yourself. Read. Read even more than you already do...you can never read enough books. You're going to love, 'Scruffy.' You'll never forget the story of the abandoned dog who finds a family. Remember where you found that book; or better yet, don't get rid of it. Save it, because by the age of forty you won't be able to find it again."

Age: 7 - "It's been a hard few years since your father left, but this time it's real. This is the man mom will keep for a long time. The others are gone...and they won't come back. I know it's hard for you to trust this one, he seems like all the others, but this is the man who deserves to be called, 'Dad.' He'll love you forever. He'll be there when you need him. He'll stay with mom, even in the worst of times, just so he can protect you and Pat. Go easy on him, he's the best man you'll have in your life for decades."

Age: 15 - "Write down the things you learn about the people you love. You spent time with grandma and grandpa Olson this year, but by the time Grandma dies when you're thirty-seven you will have only fragments and distant memories with which to write a eulogy. You love to write, even now at fifteen, but it's never about those you love. Everyone tells you to start a journal...but you never keep it up for more than a few weeks. I tell you now - you will regret not having written about those you love."

Age: 18 - "Congratulations on your High School graduation! You've picked a good college and even though you'll be paying for it for decades, it will be worth it. I promise."

"Pay attention to what you do, who you talk to, where you work, how you present yourself. It's from this moment that things you do affect choices that are available to you in the future.You still treat your life as though it doesn't matter. That is a mistake. Your life does matter. It will take you a long time to let yourself believe your existence has meaning. I wish I could convince you of that earlier in you life. I truly do."

"This is the turning point in your life. This will be a year of realizations. You've come to realize that mom is the most toxic thing in your life. I wish I could have explained it to you before, but it's just not something a kid will listen to. Mom is 'Mom' and you can't see the pain she's causing until you step away. Things will get better now that she's a few hours away. You'll be tempted to invite her back into your life when things are rough, but you shouldn't. She will only makes things worse. Trust me on this, she will never solve you problems...she can only make them worse."

Age: 21 - "Things look bad; but, whatever you do, do not call mom. John's gone, taking three years of your life with him. You're alone - out of money - homeless once school lets out, and have a minimum wage job. You can't afford an apartment on your own and you have no one to live with. Do not go home. Once you return to your hometown you will never leave and you'll turn out like all those people you pitied when you were growing up. You will become one of those people who made your mind scream at you, "Get out!" Don't do it. Something will come along...and your life will be better than ever."

Age: 27 - "Congratulations! You found a man as wonderful as your dad. No, not the man who created you, but the one who raised you and protected you from your mother. He's the one. He's going to be there for you, and you will be there for him. Enjoy this time in your life. I know you're spending a lot of your time looking over your shoulder to see what horrible thing is trying to sneak up on you next...but I swear, thirteen years have past and everything is still wonderful. The only one who ruins your happiness is you. Relax. Enjoy. Don't let the pains of the past bleed into the future the way you tend to do. Live in the now, plan for the future...because for the first time, you will have one that you control. It's your time to become. Become the person you want to be."

Age: 40 - "Write it all down! You've lived through a lifetime of hurts. You have witnessed. You have survived. You are a survivor! You are a writer. Why do you fear writing about your own life? No one ever has to read it, but you will feel better having let it out. Just look at how much better you feel having written these words."

"At the age of forty, you will set a goal: I will start a book item on Writing.com about my personal life. It will be written in the first person. It will have at least one entry per week. I will write about the pain of my childhood, the love I feel for the three wonderful men in my life, the moments with my children that I am sure I'll never lose - but everyone tells me I will. I will write about myself at least once per week. You do not have to share it with anyone...but you DO have to write it!"

"At the age of forty, you will fulfill a promise: I promised my grandmother that I would continue with our family history. I will write personal histories of those who have gone before me; and, I will write my own personal history for those who will come after. I have worked on facts and dates. I have photographs and official records. I do not have stories to add color. I will write down all the stories I can remember hearing from my family. I will record their memories. Me, you need to listen to me now! In the past year you have created "Reminiscences" . Now, you will use that forum to create your families history. You will write a chapter for each prompt, old and new, genealogy and biography. You will stop coming up with prompts, then not using them yourself. By the end of this year you will catch up with the prompts. Lead by example, or the group will fail and your grandmother will give you that look that lets you know you're not living up to her expectations."

"At the age of forty, you will write a novel. You have started several, and thanks to last years 'Dear Me' goals you are more organized than you have been in years. Now, you need to finish one of them. You have started "Novel Writing: 101"  as an attempt at accountability and community. There are forty other authors in this with you. Don't let them down. You're goal is not only to complete your novel, but also to bring those writers along with you. How many novels will be completed this year because you started this group? We'll find out in October; however, you only have control over yours. Finish your novel as a way to prove to your fellows that it is possible."

Dearest me, I love you. I want you to succeed. You've watched the last forty years slip away because you were afraid it was all going to be taken away from you. You feared that any effort you put into your goals would be wasted as someone else destroyed your dreams. You've spent half of your life, twenty years, away from the destructive influence of your mother; and yet, you continue to fear that she will take away whatever you create. Twenty years! She stole the first twenty...then you handed her the next twenty. You gave them away without a fight.

No more.

NO MORE!

You are in control. You always have been. Now...go prove it. Do what you were meant to do...write.

Love always,
You

[WC: 1589]