Dear Me

Dear Me,
                   Over the last thirty five years, I have taken January to be, not only the start of a new year but, the reformation of my lifestyle, body and attitude. How many times did I promise, yes promise, myself that by the following Christmas people would be amazed by the sexier, healthier me?   
     
                   This year, I contemplated the continued failure to fulfill my desire to be thinner, fitter, and less gregarious.  One would think that, having promised to take the required steps to achieve the desired results, I could at least keep my word as I do when I make promises to others. 

                   Remember how many times as a child I was devastated at the number of promises not kept by parents and friends. A broken promise left me with a broken heart.  This was a lesson learned the hard way, and so I committed myself to promising only what I could achieve and then keeping that promise.  History shows that I have lived up to that commitment - with everyone else but myself.

                   The regular January line up always included losing weight. Oh yes, I was often more specific with minuscule dress sizes being mentioned or a large number of kilograms disappearing. On one occasion, I rashly bought a dress to wear to a wedding, six months away, as a physical goal which would be stunning proof of my success.  Of course it didn’t fit and was eventually given to charity.

                   Then there was the continual advertising on the need to be fit. In those early years, I almost begged myself to go walking, bike riding and be more active. Many years later, I finally realized that the problem was a lack of true motivation. A break-through came when a dear friend made the same promise and asked if I would join her on the early morning walks. Damn! Remember how a bully would dare me to do some inane thing that would inevitably get me into trouble? Now bullying is often more subtle and manipulative. It’s called peer pressure.  My so called friend, as one of my peers, cunningly forced me into doing something that I knew I should do. I promised myself that I would exercise more and here was the perfect way to do it. No matter which way I looked at it, there were no escape clauses. Great! Remember how sad I was when she got the Flu and was unable to walk for at least a fortnight.  There was the disappointment at having the daily ritual upset and the regret at hearing her excuses for not being able to continue.  What did I achieve that year? The satisfaction of knowing she quit and left me in the position of walking the streets in the early morning all by myself which was totally unsafe and my partner wanted me to stop.  I had been there for her but sadly, she hadn’t been there for me.  I really milked that excuse for all it was worth that year, trying for pathos but no doubt looking pathetic. The last two years fitness and exercise have not been on my proposed to do list because of my on-going health issue. However, if I am honest with myself. This was nothing but a ‘poor me’ excuse, too many of which have been slipping into my life.

                   Okay, let’s be brutally honest. I wanted to be better than what I thought I was  but either too laziness or the desire to change was not deep enough.

                   Last year I threw in a completely new idea and managed to succeed far better than I thought.  The promise to make more of an effort to see and appreciate my ten brothers and sisters, regardless of the 3000 kilometers between them, was based on a little guilt and an acknowledgement that I don’t want the next meeting to be at a funeral. That was true motivation.

                   So here we are 2012 and the time to decide – promises or no promises?  After many years of setting myself up for failure by making promises for promises sake, it is time for the tide to turn. No more thoughts about what I think I should be trying to do. 2012 is my year. With a strategically placed little line I am going to be number 1.

                   There is no doubt that the first thing I am committed to this year is to avoid weight loss programs and diets of any type. My partner says he loves me as I am, short, cuddly and lots of fun to be with.  He is the one that has to look at me, so if he’s happy why should I rock the boat and change.  No more guilt about my abundant cleavage and wide child bearing hips (not the giving birth bearing, but the sitting on grannies lap bearing). I will now eat lollies slowly and savor the taste and the sweetness instead of devouring them with little true appreciation because someone may see me breaking my stupid, ill thought out and non-rewarding promise to eat healthier. Cream cakes will be eaten with the style of a gourmet reviewer, with taste and texture measured by the orgasmic delight of taste buds and cream.  Fresh bread with real butter will pass my lips at least 4 times a week for no other reason than I love it.

                   Therefore my first New Year’s Promise is to eat what I like, when I like without guilt. Hmm I think a quick re edit is required if I am going to ensure an attainable goal. Let’s remove the words without guilt. There, a promise where the goal is rewarding and achievable.

                   The second promise which I make on behalf of me and I, is not to partake in any planned exercise program. Gyms are definitely places to be avoided.  Frequented by slim, healthy fanatics obsessed with illusions of perfection these dens of iniquity are staffed by persons who, with one look, can add twenty kilograms to my body, ten years to my age and label me a sloth. Walking to get from A to B is acceptable if it is to enjoy the fresh air and the view. Walking with weights, or at a pace faster than that of my grandmother in her walker, will be deemed exercise and as part of my New Year Promise, is to be avoided at all costs.  This promise is to ensure that I don’t endanger the working capacity of my big, generous heart.  Exercise would only put this organ at risk.  A sedentary lifestyle allows it to maintain my body without exertion and to encompass the myriad of emotions that I run the gamut of daily. 

                   I also promise not to buy anything which I cannot use at least once a week, is not too small or tight at time of purchase, or simply because it was a bargain or on sale and too good to pass up.  No more dresses for  when I lose weight, kitchen appliances that will be used once and then stored away, or possible Christmas gifts bought before September that are outdated by December. This would have a positive effect on my finances, lessen my depression and cut the number of garage sales I have to get rid of unwanted purchases, as new, at giveaway prices.

                   Finally, Dear Me, the most important of all promises; this is to be the last year I spend thought, energy or time making promises that are either ambivalent, puerile or guilt driven.  Therefore I promise that from 2013, I will make no promises for the inclusion of special clauses in my day to day life.  We can only fail in life if we enter the rat race.  I do no need to win or be successful to enjoy life.  I am who I am because life has shaped me.  I don’t need annual promises to incite or motivate changes. I need reason, and that can come anytime during the year. It is then I will face the need for change and make my choices accordingly. 

                   Having weakened under the peer pressure of a Writing.com group, I am writing to myself to record positive changes I propose to make in the coming year. This momentum encouraged me to face the facts of my past failures, allowing  me to look forward to 2012 as unquestionably a win/win year.

Signed with love,
Your worst enemy
You

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