In memory of ....

In memory of ... – by Smudger

I awake slowly from my drugged stupor, unable at first to comprehend where I am. I open my eyes with difficulty. I am aware of a steady humming, a gentle vibration, and the muffled sounds of quiet voices. I feel someone gently take my hand and stroke it tenderly; cool fingers touch my forehead and softly brush away a strand of hair. For a moment I think I am dreaming but this is so pleasant and soothing whereas my dreams for a long time have been dark, painful nightmares. As consciousness returns I realise who I am, and why I am here. Of course, my name is David; I have MND.

“Eva? Is that you my love?” I whisper.

“Yes, I am here. Try not to talk my darling. I know how much it hurts. Would you like some water?”

I squeeze her hand and she helps me to take a few sips of the cool liquid to ease my parched throat. Every part of my useless body aches and a wave of self-pity passes over me. Why me? I am only thirty-two years old, married to the most amazing, beautiful and caring woman a man could ever want, a job I loved and blessed with Lizzie, our sweet, gorgeous six-year-old daughter.... so much to look forward to.....the tragedy of it is still too much to bear and I feel tears trickle down my cheeks.

Eva must have seen for she gently kisses my cheek and wipes them away. I know she is an emotional wreck yet I am helpless. I cannot comfort her as I so desperately want to do. Since my illness began, life has been getting steadily harder for her yet she has never complained; even when I was finally confined to a wheelchair and the indignity of failing bodily functions added to her problems. From the moment we met, our love for one another has carried us through so many of life’s difficulties but this is the ultimate test and I would not have blame d her if she had failed it. When, in my lighter moments, I called her a saint she would laugh and say what rubbish I talked sometimes.

I feel a change in the Airbus’s engines and it begins to turn. Nearly there, and then it will soon be over for me. As always, my thoughts turn again to my beloved Eva; my rock for the last eleven years through the good times, and now the very worst times. Having to leave her like this is the most agonising of all the emotions I had ever experienced ...and then some. I keep telling myself it is for the best; that Eva deserves a better future while she is still young. She doesn’t deserve to spend God knows how many years caring for a virtual vegetable; but it has taken over a year and what little energy and resolve that I possessed to convince her of my decision.

She leans towards me and I can see her lovely face with the warm, gentle smile - her eyes are wet with tears and my heart aches for her.

“Darling Eva. Thank you for being my wife, and my best friend ... for all those wonderful years we have spent together. Please promise me once more you will marry again ... build a new life for yourself and Lizzie. She is young – she will soon forget me.”

I can see she is battling with her emotions. It is so much harder for her than for me and I am immediately sorry for bringing up something we have disagreed on many times.

“My darling David, I have spent the happiest years of my life with you and those times will stay in my memory and my heart forever. I am sure no-one will ever take your place...... but yes, I still promise to try.”

“Thank you dearest Eva – I am content with that.”

She grips my hand tightly as the pilot announces that we are on final approach.

The landing, customs and baggage collection pass me by in a painful haze. Careful hands secure me in my special wheelchair and push me gently to the arrivals hall. People stop and stare at me and I can see pity in their eyes. A soberly-dressed old man is waiting. I recognise him instantly. He comes forward and says in that soft, calming voice of his,

“Welcome to Zurich, David. I am Ludwig Minelli. I am from Dignitas.”


Number of words: 750 (excluding title)