Trashing February

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WC 799

Trashing February

By Jack Rawlins

Once upon a time (wasn't everything?) somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, on the tiny isle of Guanoland, the despicable despot, Idi Mamin Papa, summoned his Prime Minister, Charles E. Brown: “Mr. Prime Minister... Charles-E... “said Idi, “Things are moving too slow. Let's skip February.”

“Your Excellency, are you nuts? “

“You can’t talk to me that way, Charles-E”, huffed Idi.

“Can too. I'm your brother.”

“Nepotism, aside. I'm a despot. Do as I say.”

“Okay, Your Excellency, but why pick on February?”

Well,” said Idi after a long sip of his Marguerite, “It all started the day I was born, Feb. 29, 1972. I only get to celebrate my birthday every four years. I'm a 'leapling' which sounds too much like 'leper.' And throwing in one lousy birthday every four years doesn't cut it. I'm going to change that.”

“And another thing, “ he rambled on, “When I put Feb. 29 on on my Harvard application , a little priss in horn-rimmed glasses said, 'Mr. Papa, don't you know that Jan. Feb., May, June and July all have 31 days, and all the rest have 30 , except for Feb. .which has only 28 days?' “

“Idi, you never told me about Harvard Business School.”

“Charles-E, it wasn't Harvard Business School. It was the Harvard Beet Farm collective in Cuba.”

“But Your Excellency, “ cautioned The Prime Minister, “your lack of birthdays is no excuse for skipping a whole month.”

“Look. Charles-E., who's going to miss it? Up in the USA , Feb. has a lot going for it: Groundhog Day, President's Day, Super Bowl; Valentine's Day, Boy Scout's Day, and Mardi Gras Week, political circuses..... Here, deep in Guano' we have nada.”

“Anyway, Mr. Prime Minister, may I remind you once more. I am a despot. My coup d'etat is a fait accompli. I am the Big Kahuna and I know what I can do. Anyway, I have an excuse that will really make me look good.”

“Well,” sighed Charles-E., “your approval numbers are in the tank, but everybody's afraid to let you know—except me. So what's your excuse for skipping February?”

“Well, for one thing it's too short. It's a nothing month. But I have a plan the people will love. If we skip Feb . We can raise everybody's average monthly income by almost 10%.”

“Say what?”

“Sure, the average annual income is $1200. Divide that by eleven instead of twelve and we bump up per capita monthly income by about 10%. And you know what else? We'll save them all a full month of taxes!.”

“Idi, you are right!” said Charles-E. as he warmed to the idea. “ If we cut out four weeks of the year, we also boost average weekly income by 10%.”


“See?” bubbled Edi. “Everybody is going to love me. Oh it is great to be great!"

" And it won't cost us a penny,” said Charles-E.

That's the nicest thing about this program,” agreed Idi. “ Nobody pays. People like that.. They can spend the extra money on a free lunch.”

“What extra money?”asked Charles-E.

“We just raised their income by 10%, for crap's sake, They can afford it,” answered Idi.

“But Your Excellency, you can't just skip Feb.,” whined Charles-E. as he again cooled to the idea.

“Don't fret the details,” soothed Idi. “ Just tack a couple more days on each month, and we'll sell lottery tickets to pick the other few days we'll need. The ticket sales will benefit senior citizens. We'll put the money in my Swiss bank account until I become a senior. Now, is that so hard?”

And so it came to pass (i.e. happened) that Idi Mamin Papa issued this decree drafted by Charles E. Brown:

I , do hereby declare that February is now a month non grata, fully unacceptable, and unwelcome, especially in Guanoland. And you better not mention it again under penalty of (to be decided later). Effective immediately on this day , Feb.4, 2012(never to be mentioned again, I warn you) you are to skip February for ever and ever.

Thus with one brilliant stroke (arguably of questionable math), a big despot on a tiny island lowered his subjects' income taxes 10% and goosed their income 10%. Most critics agreed, it was a simple idea. Others said it was simple-minded.

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