Obviously A Satanic Squirrel

Obviously A Satanic Squirrel

Trevor Prescott

“That squirrel must have been possessed by a demon of some sort,” I deduced.

The squirrel writhed about on the ground with foam coming out of his mouth. I picked up a twig and tossed it near him, but he did not seem to notice.

“We must get him to the priest immediately," Joshua observed.

Only five years had passed since Our Glorious Father D. Crowley had formed the Hartwell Sanctuary, and the compound was still in its infancy. Returning to church would delay me greatly in getting home, but my wives would not mind. They would understand the gravity of the situation, however.

I snuck up on the squirrel and clobbered him in the head with a rock.

Joshua took lead as I scooped up the squirrel in my shirt and we started back to the church. The daily mass had just finished up, and a throng of people still lingered on the steps. We had just spent three hours learning about the great feats accomplished by Our Glorious Father D. Crowley, but until the petition to lengthen the mass to five hours went through, we of the Sanctuary had to extend our worship on our own time.

Joshua, headstrong, cleared the path. “Make way! Make way, good citizens of Hartwell Sanctuary! We are in need of an exorcism. We have found evidence of Satan’s presence within our walls! This squirrel is obviously an agent of evil.”

The crowd gasped and parted. We hurried up the steps and greeted Fifth Grade Sanctuary Priest Arthur Richman. “Thank Our Glorious Father D. Crowley for this beautiful day, Brother!” Joshua greeted.

“Thank Our Glorious Father D. Crowley, Brother Joshua!”

“Thank Our Glorious Father D. Crowley for this beautiful day, Brother!” I greeted.

“Thank Our Glorious Father D. Crowley, Brother Abraham!”

I opened my shirt and displayed the possessed rodent. “This squirrel may be under the influence of Beelzebub. We are direly in need of an exorcism.”

“Quite so, quite so!” Fifth Grade Sanctuary Priest Arthur Richman exclaimed. “Come in, come in!”

We followed him into the church. A crowd of curious bystanders had congregated at the door, but they would not venture in, lest the Satanic Presence take hold of them. Fifth Grade Sanctuary Priest Arthur Richman gestured at the alter beneath a picture of Our Glorious Father D. Crowley. “Here, put him here!”

I set him down and the priest set to work. Exorcising the demon from the squirrel’s tortured soul would be a complicated affair. Several other priests of lower grades were called in to sprinkle holy water over the squirrel as Fifth Grade Sanctuary Priest Arthur Richman chanted from the Book of Truth Divine.

They lit fifty-nine candles (if Our Glorious Father D. Crowley was mortal, this would be his age) and set them in a circle around the demonic critter. They lay sheets of silk, cotton, and felt (in that order) atop his unholy body and read all sixteen hundred verses from the Chapter of Exorcism. They stripped naked and danced in a circle around the altar, and then burned themselves with candle wax to signify the purification of the squirrel’s soul.

“It is done,” Fifth Grade Sanctuary Priest Arthur Richman said as he put his robe back on. “You have both done well today. As far as I can tell, that squirrel was actually a gateway to the Realm of Eternal Fire and Brimstone. Through him, I am certain that hordes of demon spawn could have flooded into this realm and threatened our way of life. As a reward, I will pray to Our Glorious Father D. Crowley and ask for another wife for both of you."

“Thank Our Glorious Father D. Crowley,” Joshua and I said, bowing our heads.

“Thank Our Glorious Father D. Crowley,” Fifth Grade Sanctuary Priest Arthur Richman replied.

With that, we left, and started home.

“We have done well today, brother Abraham,” Joshua commended me.

“Yes we have, brother Joshua. Sleep well. Say hello to Miranda, Helen, Trixie, Donna, Jacqueline and Georgia for me.”

“I shall do so. Pass my regards to Fiona, Alexis, Rose, Quinn, Jewell, Cindy, Kasey, Aldea and Vickie for me.”

“I shall do so.”

We parted ways.

I took a shortcut home. This involved following the river. Thinking about the amazing job I had done to protect the Sanctuary from the obviously satanic squirrel had me feeling proud at first, but then realized that pride is a sin, so I took out my Lighter of Purity and burned my palm with it.

Nearing home, I heard splashing in the river. One of Brother Xavier Albatross’ wives was in the water. I began to say my farewell prayers when I noticed that she was not sinking. She appeared to be rolling around on the surface.

“Help me! Somebody help me!” She cried.

Yes, I would help her. Obviously Satan had possessed her, but she could be saved. Before she could start speaking in tongues and damning my soul for all eternity, I turned on my heel and rushed back to the church.