Heartless Mother

Heartless Mother



That’s me. When my son was 9 months old I went back to work and my part-time-employed husband helped me to look after Levi. Later my pensioner mother-in-law shared the babysitting as well. It was heartbreaking for me but we needed the money. Six months later I had to keep a weekend conference and my boss didn’t allow Levi to stay with us so we spent two nights separated. My husband was exhausted and thoroughly disappointed on that early Sunday afternoon, when we met: he had just had enough of his son. That evening he went working for a night-sift so Levi and I were alone at home. He had never shown any sign of missing me so by that time I had felt confident about my working mother position.

In the afternoon we only enjoyed being together again and let daddy sleep. Late in the evening I tried to put Levi into bed but he didn’t want to sleep just held me tight. Any time I thought he had already been sleeping and attempted to put him into his cot he tightened his hug with both arms and legs and started to cry. I kept trying until 3 a.m. and gave up: his strict father wasn’t at home so there was nobody to criticize me. Therefore I put him into my bed hugged him and cried with him. After a few minutes both of us fell asleep still embracing each other.

Since that time we have had terrible fights about sleeping: Levi always refuses to sleep alone. The usual sleeping ceremony: I am lying in Levi’s big bed with him and he is stroking my hand gently but assiduously. Sometimes it is good to relax a bit after a hard day but normally I cannot afford to ‘waste’ so much precious time on doing ‘nothing’. It was the worst when Csenge was born and both children needed me and accepted only me. Have you ever tried to breastfeed a newborn baby while a little two-year-old is crying and steadily stroking your hand? And during night if they woke up in succession I spent the whole night with setting them back to sleep. If they woke up together it was a nightmare. However, things slowly became easier. Now they both sleep through the night and the early-morning-wake-ups normally can be settled by rocking and enduring stroking.

One morning Levi walked into our bedroom, climbed into our bed and started the usual stroking. It was too early and after 15-20 minutes I lost my patience:

“Stop it. Sleep a bit more and let me sleep.”

Levi stopped stroking me and stayed in silence. I was happy: my strictness worked: he needs some more sleeping and he will. After a few minutes he asked:

“Mom, may I get out of bed?”

“Go wherever you want,” was my rude answer.

I was sure that he was going out to the hall and starting to play. He didn’t. He stood next to my bed, sleepily touched my hand and asked:

“May I love you a little more from here, please?” and gently stroke my hand again.

I felt ashamed.