Why? - A Minor Reflection Upon Love.

So here I am. It may be 3am but none the less I am here. My mind is a quiver full of arrows that are questions. I find myself pondering love. His love. My love. Others love, and love in general. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”



I look back on a failed marriage. I think of a 'failed love'. I think back on personal shortcomings and personal needs. All out of line with 'true love'. What was it that drove a man who was so steadfast and so sure of himself to deviate from a path so carefully selected? I could tell you, but I'd still be to blame. So the only thing I can say truly, is that I let my flesh get the best of me. I let what I knew would corrupt me come in with a welcome and paid it no heed. I thought I could beat the system. I paved the way to my own demise and I look back and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. Thinking I was not.



I'll tell you what I was thinking. That I was right. That I was in the favor of some cosmic balance. Looking back all I had done was unbalance myself. Despite of what may have or may have not been happening. I took it apon myself to rectify a situation in which I had no earthly matter rectifying. It was all in my conscious, and my conscious was swayed by an ever caring, but also ever blinded, close family. A family who never came around (at that particular time in my life) but always speculated to know what was best. I'd loved them, but when I trusted their distant judgement over my own is when I truely lost my wife. (Perhaps I never had her?) Even the slightest grip on her was already shaken in my mind, and I was lost as well. To this day I do cannot say whether they were right or I was wrong.



Years past and I find myself alone. I love my family and even though the wedge drawn between us is gone now that my wife... now exwife in a month to come... is no longer part of the picture except when it comes to our daughter (who is of 4 years old) and the division is no more. I can honestly say that I can visit any relative I want without some sort of cloud over my head the way it was whe she was with me. The wedge lifting upon her departure was the concrete monument that stood out upon her dismisal. Although the pain still resonates as I felt I could conquer it, although I could not.



So why? To learn I wasn't ready to love? Am I now? I want to be everything that I wasn't.... or maybe I was but wasn't ready to be recieved. It is an enigmatic life we lead. With equations that Einstein himself would be baffled by, and probably was. (Einstein himself mentioned "An hour with a beautiful girl could seem like a minute, while a minute on a hot coal could seem like an hour, that is relativity"). But that is the point. To be baffled and confused so your mind is pushed to it's breaking point. Because breaking is opening and opening is letting out. And only then at the edge of your own minds confinement will you find peace in your existence. Once you are broken you are in pieces. And in pieces your brokeness is a state of peace. It is a state in which understanding becomes a grandiose level of intoxication. Never settle for anything less than grandiose. Because that's what you are, and that's what you are destine to become.



So now here I sit... typing words that I feel are inadequite to my feelings. But somehow I know they are what a select few need to read. After all I have been through, and after all I have experienced, I know it could have been worse and I know for a fact that I could have done better. But I know that what's done is done. So dwelling on the past is as effective as using a rocking chair to solve algebraic equations. It may be a comfortable place to sit, but it gets you no where in the long run. Your mind is still the engine, your experience the vehicle, and your thoughts the highway.



So I implore you to dive deeper into yourself than you imagined possible. Celebrate every flaw and realize that our pain and imperfections are what define us. Exonerate yourself from yourself. You are not to blame. You are a product or your environment. You are an entity within an entity. You are yourself derived from a multitude of selfs. The greatest gift you have ever recieved is the ability to create anew. That is love. That is the ultimate form of self righteousness attainable. To procreate and manifest thyself into a new entity and delagate a sense of personal beliefes upon they own seed. That is the greatest responsibility ever entrusted to a human. It is the truest form of love. To bear young and prepare them for the unpreparable. In this moment... I shed a tear for the ones who's parents didn't even try. We are the lucky ones. And we are the ones who have to have the unconditional love for the ones who never received it.