Stephanie And Ignatius' Finest Hour-Ch.1

Stephanie And Ignatius' Finest Hour

Chapter 1:The Mysterious Puzzle Of The Intriguing Enigma



Later that evening, Stephanie and Ignatius arrived at their house, which lay at the intersection of Here Street and There Avenue. On the outside, the house appeared moderately decent to the passing pedestrians, with its light brown visage, its spiraling upper level and unusual shape, as if the architect drew up the plans with his eyes closed as part of some wager. It stood next to a towering sycamore tree, and their front garden was littered with discarded leaves and occasional piece of rubbish. The pathway leading up towards the residence was cracked and split in several places.

          Inside, however, was a different story. The hallways were very dusty and murky, the picture frames were all placed haphazardly on the walls, and the light yellow paint was beginning to decay and fall apart. The kitchen and living room were side by side, allow free and easy access to and from the ancient sofa that stood in front of the television, which itself was showing its age. A single light bulb covered messily by an old lampshade hung over the dual rooms, and flickered repeatedly. The kitchen was implemented often, in fact for use of rooms in the pair's house the kitchen would probably tie with the bedroom. A single table stood in the corner of the living room with some random pieces of rubbish stacked on it, including Stephanie's caterpillar farm and Ignatius' Gaelic ball.

          The duo entered their humble abode, and Stephanie swiftly sat down on the sofa in the living room. She removed her sneakers, which she dropped onto the carpet below. She rested her feet on the coffee table, which Ignatius used to draw doodles on with a permanent marker.

          Ignatius also dropped onto the sofa, and after a brief moment or two of bouncing, relaxed and lay backwards with his ever decreasing posture becoming apparent. Stephanie tilted her fedora forward, obscuring her forehead from view.

          "Well, that was a needlessly descriptive description of our secret headquarters." Stephanie yawned, casually breaking the fourth wall.

          "The narrator sure enjoys his sweet time getting to the point, doesn't he?" Ignatius replied. His floppy canine ears drooped with relaxation.

          "Say Ignatius, where's the telly remote?" Stephanie questioned. "Remember, you can't leave the remote in between the sofa cushions, otherwise the resulting pressure will continuously force down one of the many buttons, causing the battery to overheat, catch fire and burn the house down."

          "Don't be so pessimistic, Stephanie." Ignatius grunted.

          "I'm an Irish woman, mo chara, it's damn well near mandatory that I be pessimistic." Stephanie chuckled. This moment of vaguely witty banter was broken up by the beeping noise of Stephanie's mobile phone. Alarmed, she shoved her hand into her pocket and after a second or so, she located it. Her phone was positively ancient, it was the size of a small brick and had a vomit green colour on the screen.

          "Hello?" Stephanie asked into the phone. "Yes, no, yes, no, maybe, uhh....yeah we could do that, nope, I don't think that's anatomically possible, ma'am....," she rambled out loud. "Yup, alright, sure thing!" she said sweetly. She pocketed her phone and snatched her sneakers from under Ignatius.

          "Who was that?" he questioned energetically. "Those representatives from that primary school?"

          "No, and I told you, we must never speak of that again." Stephanie stated with a warning tone to her voice, as she tied her shoes. "It was a woman claiming to be from the cult favourite travelling funfair, Mister Noon's and Madame Midnight's Beings And Creatures Of The Extraordinary!" she announced gleefully.

          Ignatius gasped in shock. "Oh my God!" He shrieked, then paused. "Er...so who are they, anyway?"

          Stephanie stood up and adjusted her fedora, and switched off the light in the kitchen. "I'll explain later, once we've received our directions." She stated, and nodded towards an open window.

          "When will that be?" Ignatius questioned. Suddenly, something came crashing through the window of their living room. Ignatius leaped in surprise. 

          "About two seconds ago." Stephanie frowned. Ignatius raced for the mysterious object and picked it up. It was a teddy bear, a creepy looking one, with one eye missing and a hypnotizing glare. There was something tied to the back of it, a letter, it appeared. Ignatius swiftly opened it up, and tried to read it. He shook his head, and handed it to Stephanie.

          "Here, you read it, I can't." he said grumpily.

          "Your dyslexia, is it?" she questioned, crumpling the piece of paper in her right hand.

          "Nope, just too damn lazy." he yawned, and stretched his arms upward to illustrate his point. "What's it say?" he muttered.

          "Look out." Stephanie read aloud. "Well, that was useless." she shrugged listlessly. Her eyes widened, and she instinctively opened out the piece of paper, revealing a crude children's map of the Republic of Ireland, and a location marked with a large arrow, stating "GO TO HERE."

          "That means something, Stephanie." Ignatius nodded, pointing to the large bold words. He held the disturbing teddy bear over his shoulder.

          "According to these instructions, the place we're looking for is in Co.Westmeath." Stephanie announced. Westmeath wasn't horribly far from Dublin. "I'd best pocket this map, might be useful." she sniffed, and she did so.

          "There's a Westmeath?" Ignatius asked in suspicion.

          "Perhaps we should get going now, not as if we'll be doing anything constructive around this place." Stephanie suggested, and then her expression became confused. "Are you keeping that teddy bear?" she asked Ignatius with a half-chuckle.

          "I can use him in my role-playing game, 'Hostile Negotiation!'" he said cheerfully. "I'll sellotape him to my bedroom wall when we come back here, now all I need is a suitcase full of money for the makeshift transaction...,"

          "Speaking of bedrooms, potential hostage situations and suitcases full of money, we should probably grab whatever discarded money we can find, considering we'll be using....," Stephanie paused, gulped and said with a comedic darkness, "...public transportation."

          Ignatius whimpered like an actual dog. "This will all end in tears, I know it." he groaned, as he followed his friend up the stairs to their bedroom. Stephanie was already thinking forward.

          The duo's bedroom, was, in a word, cluttered. In two words, a pitiable mess. A single bunk bed stood in the exact center of the room, untouched by any of the surrounding walls. Various toys, knick-knacks and mementos from previous adventures were scattered throughout the bedroom, and the countryside-themed wallpaper was beginning to fall apart at the edges. Ignatius overslept on top of the bunk bed, while Stephanie slept on the bottom half.

          Stephanie walked over to one of the walls, knelt down, and pulled back a fragment of the wallpaper, revealing a literal hole in the wall. She reached into it, and pulled out several twenty Euro bills. She subsequently stuffed the money into her pocket. "Money, the root of all evil." she mused aloud.

          Ignatius frowned and tilted his head slightly in befuddlement. "I thought the M1 motorway was the route of all evil."

          "Wrong kind, Ignatius." Stephanie giggled, at her friend's confusion when it came to homophones.

          Stephanie once again scanned their place of rest, wondering if anything else was essential. Ignatius thought the same as well, and walked on all fours toward a bookcase that stood beside Stephanie's bed. There was a single lamp sitting on it. Making sure it wasn't turned on, the dog removed the light bulb, which Stephanie utilized to illuminate her copies of gay male fiction.

          "Hey, I can quit anytime I want....," Stephanie responded with frustration to the narration, whilst simultaneously blushing. She snatched the bulb from Ignatius and pocketed it. Ignatius opened his mouth to say something, but Stephanie shot him down with her irritated expression. They were more or less ready, armed with only a children's map, a lot of questionably acquired money, a light bulb, and most importantly their wits. Stephanie and Ignatius walked out of the room, down the stairs, walked out into the street and shut the door behind them.

          A short while afterward, the duo boarded a dilapidated bus which transported them to the countryside of Co.Westmeath. The bus pulled up alongside the entrance of Mister Noon's And Madame Midnight's Beings And Creatures Of The Extraordinary. There was a disturbing entrance shaped like a demon of some description. The various amusement rides and exhibits also had a nightmarish look to them, even the children's Merry-Go-Round rides and the Tunnel Of Love look like something out of H.P. Lovecraft's macabre imagination. A large man cloaked in a intimidating Grim Reaper-style gown stood guard with a large scythe, and a monster mask which obscured his face.

          "Well, that was an eventful bus ride." Stephanie sighed, getting off the bus. Ignatius followed suit, but he appeared to be bruised in a few areas, and his long hair was completely ragged. Stephanie herself had a weary expression, and her clothes were pierced with twigs. There were some minute scratches along the mousy features of her face.

          "Is it my fault the bathroom door and main door were in such close distance to each other?" Ignatius shrugged.

          "You'll have to speak up, Ignatius, I think my ear is bleeding internally." Stephanie winced, poking her forefinger into ear. "That's the last time I try to prevent you from falling out of the bus and heading directly into oncoming traffic." She dusted herself down, and adjusted her red bow tie.

          "The ensuing gratuitous car pile-up was the worst one I've seen since that incident at Phoenix Park....," Ignatius grunted with a twinkle in his eye.

          "Ignatius, you know as well as I that we're not verbally nor legally allowed to mention that accident again." Stephanie stated cautiously. She stood there, trying to find their bearings in this creepy looking place. Near enough the entrance, there stood a large tent, with a large marquee that read "Creatures Of Myth And Legend". Just below that, stood two strange figures. They were approaching the gate. One was a man wearing a pretentious-looking scarf around his neck, black sunglasses on his forehead, and a a grey hooded jacket. He wore a frustrated expression. The other was a woman, roughly in her early forties, wearing a black leather jacket and a purple shirt, and tracksuit bottoms, separated with a shiny, metallic belt. She wore a lot of make-up, and her hair was a dark brunette shade. The male was of shorter height than the woman, which was a humorous sight to behold.

          The man walked around with an undeserved sense of entitlement, so naturally the Heroes For Hire loathed him from the first time they saw him. They stopped just short of the entrance. "Fiddlesticks!" the man snapped. He had a loudmouth Dundalk accent, which added to his rapidly increasing list of terrible qualities. "What we're looking for isn't here!" he stated to his female friend.

          The woman simply sighed, and questioned "What'll we do now, Mr.O'Flaherty?" She held a cigarette in her hand, which she smoked without a care.

          "Now?" this "O'Flaherty" person questioned. "Now we have to go scouring the entire county for it! Hurry, we've got a bus to catch!" he ordered what appeared to be an assistant, or secretary. The two exited the via the entrance and headed towards the bus. They passed the still eavesdropping Stephanie and Ignatius. The man sighed irritably, and sauntered grumpily past the duo. "Pardon me...." he snapped with no attempt at common courtesy. The woman followed suit, and the two boarded the bus which departed shortly thereafter.

          "Who in the name of non-existent chivalry was that?" Stephanie questioned with irritation. She pocketed her hands.

          "I dunno," Ignatius shrugged and grinned evilly, "but I'd be clamping on his head with my jaws until one of us started foaming at the mouth if we meet again."

          "You're one sick little puppy, mo chara." Stephanie said, shaking her head with a hint of affection. She adjusted her white fedora, and nudged Ignatius towards the entrance with her left foot.

          "Wait a second!" the cloaked man at the gate bellowed. He blocked the entrance with his scythe, and the pair halted immediately. "Are you two Gardaí?" the man questioned.

          "No, I'm a Virgo, he's a Libra." Stephanie chuckled lightly. She was rarely intimidated, even in the face of, well, intimidation.

          "I have no time for stupid jokes!" he growled sharply.

          "But that's essentially all we know how to do!" Ignatius cried, then a cunning grin emanated on his face. He gestured towards Stephanie's pockets, which she remembered contained exorbitant amounts of money.

          "Perhaps a few....twenties, may change your mind?" Stephanie said with a tone of persuasion.

          "Maybe even a few.....tenners?" Ignatius added hopefully. His eyes twinkled.

          "Not on your life, it's against Mister Noon's and Madame Midnight's rules and regulations." the hooded man warned.

          Stephanie placed her money back into her pocket, and searched deeply for anything to persuade the man. Her eyes lit up with an idea. She and Ignatius took a few steps backward to converse in private.

          "Ignatius, do you still have that weird-looking teddy bear that haunts my nightmares?" she questioned her friend.

          Ignatius hummed, then deployed the teddy bear, seemingly from out of nowhere. He handed it to a nonplussed Stephanie.

          "Where were you keeping that, exactly?" she asked with a hint of concern.

          "My shaggy Irish Setter hair allows me to keep somewhat useful objects hidden from view." Ignatius smiled. "Canine physiology is educationally surreal!"

          "That it is." Stephanie stated, as if saying something profound. The duo ambled over to the frightening man for the second time in succession, and Stephanie held up the teddy bear to the guy's point of vision. "Take a look at this, goth-y." she said smugly. "We're the Heroes for Hire, we were given this teddy bear as a sign of goodwill by the owners if this place." She tossed him the stuffed nightmare. The hooded man scanned it, and gazed over the beaming pair.

          "Now leg it outta here," Ignatius requested sternly, "or that hood won't be the only orifice on your face."

          "This seems legit." the cloaked guardian stated reluctantly. "Very well then, you have free run of the place. But be careful, I've seen creepy things happen here in the dead of night." he warned the two.

          "Well that's considerably ominous." Stephanie said simply.

          Ignatius nodded, then grunted, "Yet honest, I can appreciate that." Leaving the guardian behind, they walked ignorantly into the tent marked "Creatures Of Myth And Legend".

          At first, the inside of the booth was completely obscured by darkness, save for some melting wax candles illuminated here and there. The candles themselves appeared to be moving ever so slightly. Stephanie could only hear what sounded like the shuffling of cards in the distance. The few glimpses of brightness that they received revealed that the inside was rather colourful, with shades of yellow, green, red, blue, purple and other similar shades making up the surrounding area.

          The first piece of mythical curiosity that Stephanie glimpsed was a horseshoe belonging to Shergar, the famous abducted racing horse. Not a particularly fascinating piece of evidence that creatures of mythology existed. The horseshoe twinkled slightly.

          To their right was tiny cauldrons said to be the titular pots that belonged to leprechauns, stuffed swans that served as a visual aid to the story of the Children Of Lir, and lastly, various fossils of imps and fairies. The exhibit was becoming more disappointing and obscure by the minute.

          "Not much of a show is it?" Ignatius asked aloud, whilst tilting his head around to get a better view. He was walking on all fours.

          "I know, there's a general lack of mythical creatures that evolution took a look at, then threw up its shoulders and said 'Guys, I just don't know.'" Stephanie replied. "Still, nothin' appears to be out of the ordinary...,"

          "Hey, Stephanie, over there!" Ignatius chirped. He indicated a small table covered with a white cloth, and two people could be seen sitting there. They were illuminated by the candles, but only just enough to view them correctly. The person on the left looked similar to a stereotypical stage magician, with extravagant purple and blue clothing, a meter-high top hat and a pointed and mysterious expression. He appeared unhappy for some reason. He turned to the person on the right, and snapped, "How come you decided to bring in outside help? This could be resolved quickly if....,"

          An extended hand gestured for the man to cease speaking. It belonged to an attractive looking woman, with unkempt brunette hair with a violet tinge, fingers adorned with various rings, crescent moon earrings and a yellow and red gown with various star-shaped patterns on it. "Do not be quick to disregard outside help, husband." She shifted various horoscope cards around the table. "The cards speak of a woman in green and a orange hound who will help us to locate our missing exhibit.....,"

          "It'll have to wait wife," the man groaned, and rubbed his forehead with stress. "They're here." Indeed, Stephanie and Ignatius entered through the dramatic-looking velvet curtains and came face to face with the odd-looking pair at the table, surrounded by necromancy books and more Lovecraftian imagery. "Greetings, I'm Mister Noon, and this is my co-worker and wife, Madame Midnight." Mister Noon greeted with reluctance. He didn't want these two interfering, and he made no intention of hiding it.

          "I'm Stephanie, and this is my dog Ignatius, we're known as the Heroes For Hire." Stephanie stated, introducing herself.

          "We save the day at the expense of others." Ignatius said cheerfully.

          "Yes...," Madame Midnight uttered in awe, "you are just the ones foretold by the cards, welcome to our exhibition and show." she welcomed with a smile. "I want you two to walk this way." She got up, as did Mister Noon with a grumble, and escorted Stephanie and Ignatius down a short passageway, lined with creepy looking paintings and portraits that seemingly followed you. Mister Noon plodded along with clear resentment, while Madame Midnight almost glided along the floor. Stephanie thought if she could walk that way, she wouldn't need the pounds of butter tied to each of her shoes in order to do so. They arrived at what looked like various pieces of rubble and stone skewered across the floor. The sign above read "The Stone Encased Faerie".

          "This would've solved our financial difficulties, this would." Mister Noon moaned pitifully, and tilted his top hat forward to obscure his saddened expression.

          "Stone? No wonder your business is going down the hole." Ignatius tutted.

          "Don't be stupid." Mister Noon snapped, who was really beginning to question the validity of his wife's supposed prediction. "This was a real-life, non-fictional faerie, encased in stone for eternity by a witch thousands of years ago." he rambled, as Stephanie pulled out her journal and pen from under her fedora and began to write what they needed to know.

          "Shortest eternity I've ever seen." Ignatius said with a confused expression.

          "So, lemme see if I've got this correct.....," Stephanie said aloud, continuing to scrawl info down, "you wish for us to go skedaddling and ambling across the republic in search of a formerly stoned faerie?"

          "Sounds like an average Friday night out for us." Ignatius said, and nudged Stephanie playfully.

          "Yes!" Mister Noon exclaimed with frustration, and made frantic motions. "The creature could be a potential danger to anybody he crosses!" he said, trying to remain soberly in his speech.

          "I see...," Stephanie mused, and flicked a page in her journal. "Any other blatant exposition you wish to throw at us?"

          "Yes," Madame Midnight said in a hushed tone, "the faerie has seemingly abducted another mythical creature of ours."

          "The stone block?" Ignatius asked innocently. He possessed something of a childish mentality.

          "No, it was a selkie." Mister Noon sighed. "Namely, a creature that can transform from a human into a seal, and vice-versa. She goes by the name of Siobhán." Stephanie took this info in, scratching her forehead with her decorated pencil.

          "Anything you can tell us about her?" Stephanie asked.

          "Well, of all the creatures we have in our possession, she was....," Mister Noon began, almost with a hint of wistfulness, "...the second one." he finished, the possible feeling of emotion going away as soon as it had arrived.

          "Our most likely guess is that the selkie was unwillingly taken by the faerie and was spirited away to an unknown locale." Madame Midnight mused aloud.

          Stephanie snapped her journal shut, and pocketed it. After a few seconds immersed in thought, she came to a decision. "Alright then, we'll take a look for your intelligent design blind-spots, but we'll need to take a good look around your place first before we move on to anything else."

          "No problem," Mister Noon grumbled. "but you'll have little to go on, we've searched the place from top to bottom."

          "When this is over," Ignatius added, "can we have a lifetime supply of white chocolate we can devour until it comes back up again?"

          "We'll see, mo chara." Stephanie said with indifference in her voice. Ignatius loved white chocolate, as it was the only kind that didn't kill him if he ate it. She turned to the owners again. "Not to worry, we'll find those creatures of legend within at least three chapters of this story." she said reassuringly.

          "Anything more you wish to know?" Madame Midnight questioned.

          "How else do you want us to waste our time?" Mister Noon grumbled snidely.

          Stephanie glanced at him. In an attempt to start a conversation, she said in a random manner, "You know I went out with a magician briefly." she nodded.

          "Yeah, and I went out with an annoying, inquisitive woman who tested my patience." Mister Noon replied in frustration.

          "How'd that go?" Ignatius questioned.

          "We're married." Mister Noon sighed with a mix of regret and melancholy.

          "Out of curiosity," Stephanie asked, "who were those two misanthropes that were here before us?"

          Madame Midnight stared blankly, then her eyes widened with realization. "Ah, you must be talking about famed musician, actor and conspiracy theorist Frank O'Flaherty, and his personal assistant, Amelia Hyde." Her face stiffened somewhat. "They had actually wished to purchase the stone-encased faerie from us, for some unknown reason."

          Stephanie frowned whilst in deep thought. The duo's names didn't even ring a faint bell of any sort. Ignatius, on the other hand....

          "Wow, really?" Ignatius yelled cheerfully. "He's my favourite delusional wannabe musician!" he exclaimed, then calmed slightly. "After Stephanie, of course."

          "Aw, thanks mo chara...," Stephanie replied happily, then paused. "I think."

          "Naturally, we said no." Mister Noon said with a tone of suspicion. "That guy's a demented weirdo, anyway." he stated with no tact.

          Ignatius alerted something to his left with his heightened sense of smell as Stephanie continued to chat in a hopeless bid to further the plot. He studied it with his hand, revealing it to be a glitter-like substance. "Hey Stephanie," Ignatius exclaimed, "I've found a clue! It twitches my nose and tickles my brain." He shoveled it into his hands, and presented it Stephanie. It was a fine sparkling substance that glittered in the sunlight. Madame Midnight glanced at their discovery as she cleaned up her cards.

          "Ah yes, that is faerie dust, a substance left over by faeries when they continuously flap their wings." she said.

          "Disgusting." Ignatius sneered. "Though it could be put to good use at a hen party."

          "I won't even question your logic." Stephanie grunted, placing the remnants in her pocket. She turned her head, glancing around for more clues. She came across Shergar's horseshoe, pondering if it could be put to good use. Obscuring the exhibit from view of Mister Noon and Madame Midnight, she picked it up and concealed it in the inside of her green coat.

          "Horseshoes are good luck, apparently." Stephanie whispered to Ignatius, giving a sly wink.

          "And a decent projectile." Ignatius concurred. "Well, back to catching faeries." He and Stephanie walked out through the back entrance of the exhibit, in order to explore the rest of the place.

          The one certainty that Stephanie knew from prior experience in bizarre and fantastical situations was that nothing was as it seemed. On this occasion however, something was exactly as it seemed. The duo were stood in front of a quaint little cottage with an ocean blue colour that Siobhán resided in, and it was locked, with one of those newfangled locks you can't open.

          "Locked, like a wistful middle-aged man in a pub on a Friday night." Stephanie said solemnly, shaking the lock making sure it was fulfilling its duty. It was doing an alright job, certainly.

          "Your metaphors are baffling, Stephanie." Ignatius complained.

          "You're wrong, Ignatius;it's a simile." she corrected. She glanced around the darkened area, which was completely and utterly deserted. Several inactive rides, such as the "Your Nightmares Made Real", "Voyage Of Immediate Death And Pessimism", "The Disorient Express" and "The Tunnel Of Love" surrounded them. They all had disturbing designs and creatures from the various circles of Hell painted onto them, some intentional, most of them not.

          "Hey Stephanie, let's go on the 'Voyage Of Immediate Death And Pessimism'!" Ignatius said, tugging on Stephanie's coat.

          "I don't think that one will be very good." she replied reluctantly. They continued to walk, passing "The Disorient Express", a simple bumper car ride, except with trains. It was the least intimidating of the rides, but even so, it didn't look particularly inviting, in atmospheric and safety terms of course. It looked slightly dull for the acerbic tastes of Stephanie and Ignatius.

          Stephanie hummed, then indicated the "Your Nightmares Made Real" ride. The girl and dog sauntered over towards the ride, which was dusty and dilapidated. It was originally a simple funfair ride, but instead reworked to frighten small children. What sounded like cheery music was emanating from inside. It looked inviting, so the duo walked through the velvet curtains and into the building. It was completely dark inside, with no conveniently placed torches or lights to illuminate the place inside.

          "I can't see a damn thing, Stephanie...," Ignatius complained. Their footsteps made a weird squelchy noise.

          "I know, mo chara, its dreary, damp, pitch-black and claustrophobic. Like being stuck in an elevator whilst blindfolded, or being engaged in an conversation with a radio-show host." Stephanie shuddered.

          "I feel a song coming on." Ignatius chirped happily. "Or maybe hypothermia. I can never tell the difference."

          "Actually, I wish I had my good ol' guitar, then I could have sang a song to boost our spirits. Its probably up in the attic back home" Stephanie sighed wistfully.

          "Er, yeah, of...course it is...," Ignatius said nervously. In addition to being adverse to Stephanie's vocal "talents", he was also a terrible liar.

          "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear tha-JESUS H.CHRIST!" she yelled aloud, and Ignatius followed suit. After a few seconds of panicked screaming, the cheery music reached its climax, and the duo blacked out.

          Stephanie crashed through the exit onto the damp ground on her knees, with her eyes still closed and a ill expression on her face. Ignatius landed on his tail, then leaped happily onto his four feet and glanced at his friend. Ignatius kicked her head lightly until she woke up.

          "Well that was unspeakably horrifying." Stephanie squirmed. "It was like I was trapped in the most terrifying nightmare I could think of. Hundreds of wooden puppets, with big, ungodly bug-eyes, staring at me, intently. Watching. Deciding. All while trying to complete my Leaving Certificate." Stephanie shivered with the cold. "Now it feels as if I've lost my remaining innocence."

          "Er," Ignatius stammered, while pointing at her, "it gets worse. That's not all you lost." He shielded his eyes in disgust.

          A perplexed Stephanie gazed downward, to find she had lost the entirety of her clothes, save for her socks and undergarments. She yelped out in surprise, then ducked behind a deadwood tree and some adjacent bushes. "I knew there was something missing from my nightmare!" she hissed to Ignatius. "Be a good lad and fetch me my clothes!"

          Ignatius considered this. He did not want to go back into the building and attempt to uncover Stephanie's jacket, pants, sneakers, bow tie and fedora without experiencing any more realistic visions of vacuum cleaners and swatted-up newspaper rolls chasing him. Then again, he did not wish to glimpse Stephanie's unmentionables, a sight unmatched only by illegal medication-induced visions, so he reluctantly dived inside to retrieve her clothing.

          A few minutes later, as Stephanie tapped her rainbow-coloured sock impatiently on the ground, Ignatius tumbled out through the exit of "Your Nightmares Made Real", with Stephanie's clothing in tow. He had a haunted expression, and was sighing heavily. Making sure nobody was watching, Stephanie placed her clothes back on swiftly as possible. "That wasn't worth the effort." Ignatius moaned hoarsely.

          "Thanks, pal." Stephanie smiled cheerfully, whilst simultaneously breathing a relieved sigh. "To celebrate our mental scarring, let's skip on over to the arcade, eh?" she asked Ignatius sweetly.

          "Ah, computer games," Ignatius sighed, "that'll help me repress those nightmares. Among other things, but beggars can't be choosers." He followed Stephanie optimistically in the direction of the computer game booth.