A satirical essay on how to lesson crime rates in the United States
|We, the citizens of this victimized, crime-plagued country have many valid grievances we must air, such as our law enforcement and our escalating crime rates. But as the news covers the corruption of police, it is clear more law enforcement is not the solution to our accelerating crime rate, which is at a nation-wide high. This country helplessly watches as burglaries, assaults, batteries, robberies, murders, stabbings, and knifings happen daily to their selfish, careless family members. We, as citizens and victims of these crimes, have a divine duty to minimize them in the only way possible. Therefore, I must unsurprisingly demand that the men of this nation act and thereby decrease the alarming crime rates of our cities. The solution is simple: men, all you have to do is transform your wardrobe.
Given that you have been raised in a backwards society, I know that what I am asking for may at first seem odd. You silly men must wonder who I am to be calling to the world, encouraging you to change attire. Who I am is an enraged, determined citizen. I am a future mother, who one day may be unfortunate enough to have a son of her own. I do not want him to grow up in a deranged society where he is taught that he is helpless to defend himself from crime, because he, and every man, most certainly is not.
You must know, specifically, that your gender causes crime. How can you be unaware? Crimes are committed against men, and men primarily engage in crime. Men are paraded on the news for mugging men. Men are imprisoned for murdering men in robberies gone wrong. Our history books recall the same patterns since Plato’s society. Certainly asking the committers to change who they are as people is too ludicrous, too impossible to propose- it has proved ineffective. Instead, I am arguing with the scum of our society, the true perpetuators of crime, the recipients. You are at fault for these crimes, but changes in your pretentious wardrobe will prevent billions more. In fact, if every man in this nation heeded my advice, our crime rate would not only decrease, but the country’s endless turmoil would cease entirely.
I must address the successful, wealthy, white-collared man: you are the cause of strife. Our nation is proud of the job you possibly earned fairly, and blue-collar workers envy you. However, you are at fault. As a result of your selfish choices, you cause more crimes than any other gender or class in history. Not even the tyrants of Europe hold a candle to the chaos and damage you potentially cause everyday on your commute to work, or even walking down the street. Every time you wear your black or navy Prada suits that have been coated in the luxurious scent of wealthy cologne, or show off your thousand dollar ties, you boast to the less fortunate. It is a strange idea to accept at first, that despite the fact that you are merely walking, existing, you are asking to be assaulted. But you are. As soon as you accept this, you can begin to fix the problem: you.
I should not have to explain this simple concept, but since I clearly must, I will. Bring an extra set of clothes when you are traveling in a slightly poorer area or that has a high crime rate. If you fail to do this, do not pity yourself when you are robbed. In fact, never pity yourself; your actions are always the reason you were assaulted. Avoid wearing obnoxiously flashy objects such as solid gold wedding rings, gold-plated wedding rings, jewels, jewelry, expensive suits, wrist watches, Italian shoes, bow ties, fancy canes, briefcases, lovely silk scarves, monocles, top hats, pocket watches, or keys to a sports car whenever possible. These vital accessories to your ostentatious appearance in your over-paid work place are sirens screaming for you to be robbed. Furthermore, hide all Apple products. Those who can afford Apple products can clearly afford to be robbed by the unfortunate. Hopefully, you are beginning to see that crimes can easily be avoided by blending in to the area you have the audacity to travel through.
Equally important, men must watch where they walk in cities. Under no circumstances can a rich man go near an Occupy Wall Street protest. The Occupy protestors are so determined, so virtuous in their cause, that it is likely that the sight of a wealthy man, regardless of their placement as the 10% or 1%, will send them into riot. The 99% can also see through a disguise better than the desperate man willing to mug. Wigs, rags, undecorated walking sticks, duct-taped shoes, eye patches, even pay-as-you-go cell phones, will not fool them. Avoid protestors at all costs.
Charitable donations, also, must end. I cannot fathom why you wealthy men believe it is remotely sensible to donate to charities. You cannot simply give your money away for free and then hope you will not be robbed! Your money has been given to you by God for a reason. Do not give it away willy-nilly. This type of reckless action promotes your attacks. When you advertise that you are fine with giving your goods away for free, committers of crime have every right to believe that you will be fine with giving them money as well. Therefore, it is up to you to stop wasting your money and life on charities and continue to keep your money for a wife, or future wife, if you are so inept at quickly finding the proper partner.
In addition, these men must avoid taking the attacker to court. Instead, become at least acquaintances, preferably lifelong friends with each other. Men frequently whine about the effect these robberies and assaults have on their psyche, regardless that what happened to them is truly insignificant. However, if these men began to befriend their criminal counterparts, it will help the pointless healing process. By understanding the motivations behind their perpetrators (aside from the recipients’ obvious wardrobe), we can prevent the tragedy of ruining a distressed man’s life. The accusations brought to court can devastate the committers’ lives. It is a heartbreaking idea. One man, dressed grossly inappropriately, caused a crime that the perpetrator must experience negative consequences for. The accused, or the true victim, would be sentenced to years of jail time, denied jobs, and judged by their peers for the rest of their lives. This is horrific. It is not the poor man’s fault that he has fallen on hard times, nor is it his fault that the wealthy rub their success in his face. The poor criminals are not the ones who need to be reformed. It is the privileged, flashy, gloating, and wealthy.
For years our country and law enforcement has targeted the committers of crimes, but they have not addressed the true cause, which is why crime rates have never lessened in our entire history. Now, we must rise together and tell those who are truly responsible for crimes to stop. We must tell men that it is their dress that is destroying lives and filling up jails. They rob women of their husbands and fathers. These selfish, ignorant “victims” must be put in their place. This country cannot and will not stand idly by as the real wreckers of society are pampered and assured they are not to blame. They must own up to their actions, apologize to their country, and rectify their despicable choices in clothing. It is time that we recognize the innocence of the convicted and the guilt of the prosecutors.