| Who's The Doctor?
The walk down the corridor with my attendant was interrupted by the discordant voices of the patients in the nearby rooms. At times it was almost humorous to hear their claims of being God or some other high authority. About to interview one of my patients, I felt nervous with his behavior of changing personalities. He was not violent or disruptive, but it bothered me the way he always tried to challenge my authority. My assignment to the institute was in it's third month and I already felt it had been a year. About to go into the examination room,I said to the attendant, "Watch him, but you don't have to lock the door. He's okay."
As we faced each other in the brightly-lit room, I could see that my patient was holding a pad and pencil pretending to be the doctor, while the attendant in the other room watched us through a one-way glass window. I immediately noticed the pencil had a special dull tip so it couldn't be used as a weapon. The attendant was careful about those things. My patient was shifty-eyed as we scrutinized each other. Finally I said, "So you want to be the doctor again."
Not looking up, he said, "Now Neil, let's get down to business."
Somewhat irritated, I said, "If I've told you once, I've told you ten times. It's Dr. Neil."
He said, "Okay doctor. What did you think about those Rorschach tests? Were they interesting?"
"You know darn well they are only a test. Nothing more. But I'll have to say the pictures are interesting."
Jotting something down, he said with raised eyebrows, "I've noticed you pay much attention to Sheila in the ward."
"Oh, her. She's kinda nice but a little flaky sometimes. Why do you ask?"
My patient said with a hint of clairvoyance, "It seems to me you like her."
"Well," I said, "she has nice body hair."
Still writing furiously, he said, "Be careful with Sheila, She has a dark past."
It was bothersome to see him write down so many notes, so I said, "Please don't write so much. It's a bad habit you have."
We discussed the facilities of the institution and all the attendants in white, who were mostly very strong males. I said, "Some of them are nice to me. One of them offered me his car."
He said, "Do you like them?"
At once I knew he was trying to trick me so I said, "And do you know the reason why this room isn't padded and all the doors have heavy locks? And another thing. Do you realize you have a facial tick? I know a good Korean doctor who can treat that."
With a perturbed look on his face, he said, "Neil, you are meandering and if you don't show some improvement I'm afraid you will end up a permanent inmate. Now you wouldn't want that, would you?"
In a stern voice, pointing at him, I said, "Don't threaten me. I'll give God a call. He knows I don't belong here. And I'm the only one who has His area code."
Motioning to the guard, he said, "Tell you what I'll do: If you behave I'll let you join the others, but only on one condition."
Happy to be allowed to see my friends, I said, "Great, but what condition, and can I see Sheila?"
Undoing my arm constraints cautiously, he said, "I don't want you to give them those Rorschach tests anymore. They bother the others."
"Why?" I said, "They're fun and educational. Everyone likes my drawings."
"Come on Neil," he said, "You know they're all about sex and it disturbs the patients."
Led to the community room by two burly males, about to join the others, I said, "Just let me give one test to Sheila, please."
"All right, but if I catch you drawing more dirty pictures, you are in big trouble."
The two attendants led me to the ward as one said, "Now you be a good boy, won't you?"
As I heard the door lock behind me, I told two patients nearby, "Step aside, I'm the doctor."
Deliriously happy, I ran to Sheila saying, "Sheila! I have some more pictures to show you."