As a matter of fact, I love Cucumber.
Well, I did love him. Before he changed, that is.
Me and Cucumber, we were in love. He had smooth, flawless green skin, and he was so sweet and crunchy. We had dinner together all the time. He loved to make me sandwhiches, salads and even pizzas. Whenever he made me dinner, he always put everything he had into the meals. I loved every tasty second that me and Cucumber shared.
But those precious memories are all that I have left of him.
One night a few years back, he didn’t show up for dinner. I was concerned for Cucumber’s safety, but I let it pass. He must simply need some space to himself, I thought.
But it was an entire week before I saw Cucumber again. When he came back, I was horrified by his appearance.
Instead of his beautiful, flawless, dark green skin, he was now a sickly color, with bumps all over his shrunken body. He smelled awful, like he had soaked in vinegar for several days.
I asked Cucumber what had happened to him, but he just shook his head. He wasn’t ready to share what had happened.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow at dinner, Darling,” Cucumber told me with his now raspy voice.
I waited impatiently for the next day to come. I wanted to know what had become of my poor Cucumber. I was desperate to hear my love’s story.
Cucumber made me one of my favorites for dinner, a turkey sandwhich. As always, he had put a little piece of himself into the meal; I always loved that about him. But I waited to hear his story before I took I bite.
“Darling,” Cucumber began, taking a shaky breath. “Last week, I found myself in a…situation. I was confronted by a gang, and they demanded that I join them, or be thrown in the garbage to rot.”
I stared at my precious Cucumber, tears forming in my eyes. “Oh, my poor Cucumber! How did you ever escape this gang?”
Cucumber bowed his head. “I…I didn’t.”
Confusion lined my face. “What do you mean? You look like you’ve been through hell and back! You must have started to rot, and then escaped the garbage can…didn’t you? Isn’t that why you…look like that?”
As I waited for an answer, I took a bite of my sandwhich. As I tasted it, I knew there was something wrong. It wasn’t sweet and crunchy, but sour and soggy…
“I’m afraid not, Darling.” Cucumber looked straight at me. “I couldn’t take the risk of dying, and honestly, they all looked so cool, so…I joined them. I joined the Dill Pickle Gang.”
“NO!” I shouted, jumping to my feet, spitting out the piece of sandwhich I had bitten off. “How could you do that to me, Cucumber? I love you, and you didn’t even tell me! How could you?” I shook as I screamed at him, “I don’t want to see you or taste you ever again, you sour, vinegar-soaked fraud! You…you Pickle!”
“Darling, please. I’m still Cucumber, I’m just a member of the Dill Pickles, too. Don’t you see?” He asked me desperately, hopefully.
But I refused to listen to him, and kicked him out of my house, and out of my life.
Or so I thought.
He is still trying to make things work again. Every time I make or eat a burger, somehow my pickled Cucumber still finds a way into my meal. He is desperate to make things right, but there’s no going back, now that he is a member of the Dill Pickle Gang. I just can’t bear the sight, smell or sour taste of him anymore. I refuse to look at him for any longer than it takes to peel him off the buns and toss him out.
I loved him once, but I just can’t see things working out now. I just can’t be dating someone who is part of a Gang, especially one as sour as the Dill Pickles.