Eat Healthy or Die!

         I’m not really one for preaching because I believe introducing people to new concepts and ways of thinking is far more effective in producing growth than simply trying to ram your views down someone else’s throat. However, there is one exception. You may have noticed from my pictures that at times I’ve been fat, and at times I’ve been skinny. Ever since I took a nutrition class in junior college, healthy eating has become a (part time) hobby of mine.

In fact, my friends clowned on me once when they opened the mini fridge I had in my room only to see fifty cans of spinach one of which was open and had a fork sticking out of it. I think it’s so ridiculous that we’re one of the richest nations in the universe, yet the quality of our food is as poor as can be from a nutritional stand point. When I was creating the T.V. show “Studio B,” I was going to have a segment called “Eat Healthy or Die.” The following were some mock P.S.A’s (public service announcements) that were going to be part of the campaign:

Natural Born Kook

Scene: two guys are sitting at a booth in a diner one fat, one skinny. The fat one is wolfing down French fries with an apathetic look on his face. The skinny one starts freaking out while the fat one has no change in demeanor.

Skinny guy: “Oh snap! The French fries are very slowly clogging his arteries! Noooooooooooooo-!”

Screen fades to black, and the words “20 years later” appear on the screen. Then it cuts back to the two guys at the diner. They are wearing the same clothes but both have very long beards. Also, there is now a calendar on wall for the year 2032. The skinny guy is continuing to yell his dramatic extended “no.”

Skinny guy: “-ooooooooooooooooo”

Fat guy clutches chest, groans, and falls to floor.

Fat Guy: “Ow! My heart! I shouldn’t have been eating French fries for 20 years!”

Skinny Guy rushes to his side. Fat Guy’s eyes roll back in his head.

Skinny Guy: “No! Why do the good always die slathered in ketchup!?”

Then a voiceover cuts in: “Sometimes cooks kill people, but mostly it’s just their French fries. Eat healthy or die!”

Tortilla Falls

Scene: two roommates are sitting at a table in their apartment. One of them is reading a newspaper while the other one is a bit antsy.

Antsy Guy: “Dude, I’m hungry. Do we have anything to eat?”

Reading Guy: “I think we have some tortillas on top of the fridge, but check the date; I’m not sure if they’re still good”

Antsy Guy gets tortillas and looks at package, then says: “They expire on the 9th”

Reading Guy checks his watch and says: “Well it’s 11 P.M. so technically we’re still the 8th. That means they haven’t expired yet; bring ’em here.”

Both of them start chowing on tortillas as Antsy Guy looks at the package. Then he says: “Dude! These tortillas were made in New York!”

Reading Guy: “So?”

Antsy Guy: “Don’t you get it? They’re three hours ahead; it’s already the 9th in New York! That means these tortillas have expired!!”

Both look at each other and start screaming, then their heads explode one at a time.

A voice over cuts in: “Before eating processed food, always remember to check the expiration date including the time zone. Eat healthy or die!”