I am born perfect------ that is how others see me.
At school when they hear my name... "Alexandra Roberts? That rich girl that looks like a model is famous in this school, it's really weird that you don't know her." But aside from that, there is another way that people uses to describe me. "Ah, that Alexandra Roberts? The rich girl that has a younger sister which is deaf and mute? If you think she's beautiful then you are mistaken! When you get to see her sister you'll fell on your knees! That Alexandra is just too full of herself!"
In beauty, I'm just the second, in brains I'm still the second even in love I still come after her! I am born perfect! I am rich, I am beautiful and I got a lot of friends...but why do I always come second to my deaf and mute sister who has nothing to do but to smile?!
My sister, Sofia, is two years younger that me and she was born without hearing the words we say and without saying a word herself. Her world is not complete but I don't think she's suffering. Every time I see her she will just show a smile. I bet she's just trying to act innocent while she's taking away everything from me... the love of my Mom my Dad and the people around us. She's smiling without even feeling guilty. She's smiling without even knowing that what she is taking away are the things that only matters to me! Honestly, I don't need money and I don't need these stuffs that they think I'm too lucky to have! What I need is the attention of my parents and the love from the people around me...
Growing up with this wound in my heart made my everyday depressing. Now that I'm already a university student and Sofia is in high school, our relationship with each other is getting worse. Though she always cries and apologize whenever I got scolded by our parents because I did something awful to her, I just kept on telling myself that she's just acting good so that all the blame is still going all to me. Until that tragic day came...
I just got home from school and my mind and my chest was already polluted and as soon as I got home Sofia is the first person that came to my sight. I immediately went towards the sofa and sat there to rest comfortably then I asked the maid to make me a fruit juice. I waited for a short moment and I was expecting that the maid will bring it to me, but it was Sofia that I saw coming towards me while holding the glass of fruit juice. I really got angry because I'm afraid that she planned it so that when my Mom and Dad see us, they will think that I'm making my sister work for me and that I'm abusing her. So instead of taking the glass, I shove it and then she accidentally dropped it. The glass broke into pieces and the juice was spilled on the floor. I hurriedly stood up and she began to cry. I don't know what to do, I'll be the bad girl again! I just yelled at her and just continue yelling while telling her in sign language to get lost but Sofia kept on crying and apologizing. I also notice that she's already shaking.
Our parents rushed down stairs and started yelling at me while comforting Sofia. I'm already shaking because of mixed negative emotions, nervousness and anger! What I am left to do is say what I really feel inside my already rotten heart... "Why are you always siding with her?! I told you already that it is not my fault! How can you be so unfair?! How can you not give us equal attention and most of all... equal love?! I don't deserve all of these! It's not my fault I'm not a special child like her! It is not my fault that I can hear and I can speak! You don't know how much I have suffered because I'm not like her... Do I need to be deaf and mute also to make you love me like that?" I already gather all of the courage I have in my life to say those words so there's nothing left for me to do but to runaway like a child.
My tears made everything blurry while I'm still running towards the playground outside the house across the street where I always cry out everything. Because I'm confused and my eyes were blurry, it was already late when I noticed that a car was going to hit me while crossing the street. "Beeeeeeeep!" I can also hear the screech of the car break. But somebody pull my hand back so I rolled on the ground and have a few scratch on my body. When I got up I saw blood all over the floor and I saw a girl lying on the ground. "Sofia! Sofia!" My parents were shouting from afar while hurriedly running towards us.
I began to tremble as I walk towards the girl lying on the ground. "D-don't tell me... P-please don't tell me..!" I hurriedly took my phone out of my pocket and found myself calling for the ambulance. "Help us! My sister got hit by a car!" My parents came over and check Sofia's condition with their trembling hands. "Sofia hang on, huh?! The ambulance is coming for you! Please hang on!" My parents kept saying those words until the ambulance came.
The doctor said they did everything they can but Sofia... Sofia didn't make it. She died at the age of fifteen and she died------------- because of me.I thought I'm going to live a good life if she's gone but it is more than a disaster. We found a letter in her closet addressed to me. She wrote it for my graduation but she didn't get the chance to give it to me they say... And this is what she said in the letter,
Happy graduation day! I can't say it out loud that I'm happy for you because I can't speak, but I'm totally proud that you are my sister. I'm sorry that you are suffering because of me so let me silently suffer for you also. Thank you for being my sister. Thank you for being my family. I wish that you can have a successful future with me and Mom and Dad.
I forgot to mention that even I can't speak your name with my lips, I still can tell that it is beautiful and it really suits you! I love you sis... someday I hope that you will realize how much I care for you and how much I love you. So I am waiting for that day... the day that you will love me back as your sister
If I am to measure how much tears flowed through my eyes after I read this letter, I can say that it is enough to drown everyone who read this now... I can't help but to have regrets. Sofia is gone now without even getting what she really wants and that is my love... my love as a sister. How could I think bad about her all my life? I think I will carry this burden in my heart until I die.
I'm standing right now in front of her tomb, telling her I'm sorry with my heart that was filled of "I shouldn't have done this" and "I shouldn't have done that...". I could have died that day but she gave up her life to save me...
To all the people that thinks just like me please... don't you ever do something that you'll regret in the future. Don't be like me who regrets everything now. Love your family unconditionally, even if you think you are already at you limits. The only person that loved me in this whole world with her whole heart is my sister. And now that she's gone because of me, how would I face the future? Do not even hope for something like this to happen to you.
Now, all that she left me are memories, but this part of my memory is the most important thing that I can remember.
When the teacher asked Sofia to write the most important thing for her as her homework, she wrote... "It is my life! because I can share it with my family. But I can only give it to the one's I truly love so if ever I give it away... please take care of it!" she showed it to me after the teacher checked it.
Sofia, I promise that I'll live a good life for you, with Mom and Dad...
I'm very lucky to have you and to be love like this-----------silently.