To Rescue A Damsel In Distress
Pretty girls, adventures, riches beyond measure, a castle of my own, and all of the roasted pork I can eat. Being a knight isn’t so bad; it does get rather boring though. I fight a few wars, track down some filthy bandits, and just enjoy some pints of milk with my companions in the good old McPub after work. It’s a noble career, my father and his father before him worked this very same career. I plan to achieve greater things though; I plan to be a King. Watch as I achieve royalty and the illusion of happiness through riches after I rescue a damsel in distress.
A task only attempted by some knights, due to the high death rate, I realize I must prepare very thoroughly for this quest. First I pick a nice spot near the McPub, where I can take drink and burger breaks often. Holding my well-made sign with a flashy smile, passing people will read, “Will Rescue Damsel for Royalty” and they will see this upstanding guy and think, “That is a knight!” Eventually a King and Queen will roll by in their stretch carriage. They’ll invite me in to discuss their beautiful, precious, daughter stuck in a tower and surrounded by lava blah blah blah. Of course I’ll take the job, demanding extra gold to help prepare of course.
The next step will be to pack. The King and Queen may have provided me with enough gold to buy a sparkling white set of armor and an outstanding horse, but I accidently spent it all on candy and snacks. Besides, what is wrong with the armor I already have? My horse may be old, decrepit, slow and fat, but it has served me well this long it would be an insult to buy a new fancy one. The Princess will not care what I wear or what I am riding, she will simply be happy and grateful that I came to save her. So I put on my armor starting with my scuffed greaves and ending with my boots. They may not match but they feel comfortable which is all that matters. I begin to pack some food for my journey ignoring the breads and fancy cheeses. I grab chips and bean dip, some corn to be popped above the campfire. Finally I load up on some carbonated water filled with this new thing called high fructose corn syrup. The damsel will surely enjoy these sweet treats after her long time in captivity. Finally I place my saddle onto my horse, it has a couple holes and tears but it rides good so I don’t mind.
A quick trot through town lets everyone know that I’m a fancy knight going on an important mission, and I may die. Now I know everyone thinks of the knight charging out of the kingdom and several minutes later charging into the dragon’s castle to rescue the damsel. Really? Do you seriously think it would be so simple? No. This trip sucked! Several days of sleeping on rocks, fighting off bears and wolves, hunting for hours just to find a bunny to eat! Have you ever eaten a bunny? There is no meat on a bunny! This broad better be worth it. My horse eventually tires out and I have to not only walk but also carry most of my bags so the horse can be refreshed for the journey back. Finally I came upon the castle. Although I couldn’t see the castle through the blasted rain and I slammed my toe right into the castle wall!
Now I need to find the damsel. In movies the knights come running in from the wild right across the drawbridge into the castle. Well lucky them! I managed to find the one side of the castle without a gate! It took me twenty minutes just to find one, and then I’m thinking to myself, “This isn’t a back door is it? It would be really awkward to walk in through a kitchen or a janitors closet or something.” Finally I get into the castle, approaching the map on the wall, I soon locate the “You Are Here” symbol in the front hall. My eyes followed my finger across the map to find the part of the castle called: “Biggest, Tallest, Hardest To Get To, Cold, Damp, Dragon Protected Tower” and I see right next to it a symbol saying “Damsel Is Here.” Well that was easy enough.
Next step is to traverse the castle. Despite popular beliefs these castles are usually quite nice, the dragons have no need to destroy the whole place after all, they just eat the people and leave dragon droppings in different areas, at least they tend to digest the bones also, so it's not like there will be skulls and bones to scare me away. For the most part I enjoyed my walk through the castle gazing at the nice paintings. I even made time to stop in the kitchen for a bit of the spiced eggnog and cold milk. Now getting closer to the tower I notice more signs of the dragon. Burned walls, blackened armor belonging to knights before me who have failed. I switch out one of my boots for one that wasn’t too burnt, and it fit! What luck! It almost matched better than my other boot! This may turn out to be worth it after all. I come to a suspended bridge leading to the tower. I’m not looking forward to this part, have I mentioned I am afraid of heights? I’m halfway across thinking this is going way to easy, when the dragon finally attacks.
Now just to kill the dragon protecting the tower! The dragon’s roar shook the walls around me. Why always on a bridge? The stupid dragon always attacks when you’re on a rickety old bridge that happens to be crumbling around you! Most knights would grab their swords and roar back a challenge. I, on the other hand, was going to be practical. I ran back across the bridge as quickly as possible! Not that I was scared, I like to think I was just being smart about this. This is usually where knights go wrong and die in a painful, excruciating death by fire. For the sake of my story though it is best that I kill the dragon. My sword swinging through flames, I slice the dragon to bits! Some people would ask me why the dragon didn’t simply fly out of my reach, torch me, then lick the smoking remains out of my charred armor, and to these people I will say, “Shut up, or go away.” Now with the dragon dead at my feet, I raise my sword high above my head and swing it down severing the beast’s head, just for a dramatic effect.
Finally I will meet the princess. I made it across the drawbridge and paused for a moment to kiss the ground at my feet. I enter the damsel’s room standing up straight and putting that flashy smile on my face that tells everyone, “I’m a successful knight.” Turns out it was wasted though! She was asleep! I’ve been running around in the rain with a dying horse, this armor making me chafe and she’s asleep! Come on, do you really think she could sleep through the dragon roaring at me? No one is fooled woman. I approach the bed and lean down to do the lamest, most ridiculous thing I can think of. I kiss her so she’ll wake up. Jokes on her though, five minutes ago I was kissing the ground.
Now that the damsel is saved we can return home to our new kingdom! This is a lot easier now that the dragon is dead and I know the way. We quickly backtrack through the wild, to be nice I let her ride the horse, and she still complained about everything! No finally home I’ll become a King, have many kids with the beautiful damsel and live a long unhappy life. Yes unhappy, I knew this lady for five minutes then married her for royalty. Do you really think this relationship will work out? Oh and by the way, they didn’t believe in divorce in the early twelve hundreds. Happily ever after is a lie.