Whole

Grey linen and white skies. The smell of the chlorine on your hands when you washed them, days after we had been swimming; the way your hair shimmered in the light and your fringe was almost see through. The breeze on the beach that tangled your hair and curled your hand up in mine; you pulled in your pinky tight and snuggled it against my palm as I held your hand.
Tonight I want to remember you perfectly; the way the umbrella blew out of your hand and you made me chase it down the stony beach. It didn't even function as an umbrella; you just liked to make me run. The way the goosebumps appeared on your skin yet you pulled me into the water anyway; the water swirled around us as I held you close. That day I thought nothing could tear us apart, not even the sterile rooms and stern faces. The way your father looked at me right at the beginning; like I was wasting my time.
I want to share the time we climbed for hours to reach the top of the hill we spied from the motorway; I honestly thought it would never end but you kept going. That day we were so close to the sky it felt like we could touch the clouds. I kept waiting for one to pick you up and drift you away from me, they would put you down where you could be safe.
The feel of the sun through your window on the Sunday mornings we had; you always woke up in the same way, you'd wriggle your hip and shift on your tummy, regardless of where I was.
The busy streets of our holiday; all those people and I thought I might be parted from you. All my worst nightmares revolved around being parted from you but you always said it would never happen, not really.
That first night you let me kiss you; the sound of the leaves rustling behind us as you told me you could feel the love throughout the world in the wind; you said it couldn't be seen or touched, but it could be felt, my darling I was in heaven. Every moment with you wasn't wasted, it was blessed.
You made me feel; you taught me patience and compassion. Everything I do, everything I think is because of you; oh sweetheart I miss you with everything I have, my life is full of the holes you have left, where you burrowed under my skin. But you are also the solution; you are the 'fix' and no amount of pain or suffering or heartache can take that away from me.
Now you are gone, but my beauty, I regret nothing.