| Hello friend. It is a pleasure to meet you. As you may know, I am indeed me, the great Quincy Quiver; crime fighter extraordinaire, and the best damn protector to grace Queen City. Many foolish criminals have tainted this city over the years and, not to brag, but, I have ended most of their treacherous reigns.
Like many before you, you have traveled far to hear my tales. If you are like the others, you are bursting with nonsensical questions and other silly comments. But you see, my life is a long and fruitful one, and thus easy to askew. It is of the utmost importance, you realize everything you have heard is a big fish tale. Yes, they were based off of facts once, but the telephone method of passing on knowledge leaves its mark. Events wiggle themselves through interpretation after interpretation, mutating into other beasts entirely. I imagine such alterations happen beyond control, and as such, you will have to suck it up and cope with reality.
You probably heard stories of me single handedly fighting off hordes of dragons, or toppling giants, whose breath is so cold it freezes the best of men into solid ice, or that I once traveled clear through the Forest of No Return, with nothing to show for it but the tiniest of scratches. Well, I can assure you, silly things as Giants and Dragons do not exist in Queen City, nor do they anywhere else this side of Lake Spooky. These stories are fabrications, mythical odes to my awesomeness. Though I assure you, if such monstrosities existed, I would conquer them. Dragons, like teddybears, ain’t got shit on me.
They would not stand a chance when pitted against the legendary Quincy Quiver. I, who toppled Atomic Abu. Went toe to toe with a leprechaun, and fought off The Leviathan. All of which are not as epic as you most likely heard. Still, it is true; I am the definition of badass.
What’s that now? You mean to tell me you haven’t heard the stories? Oh,well that’s a shame. They are quite good. I personally enjoy the one about me and the dragons. It is very dark and thrilling. I’m not mentioned by name in it of course. If they did, everyone would come knocking on my door to meet me. But, it is clear the protagonist is supposed to be a rendition of me. He’s rugged in looks, gets the girl, and defends the innocent from a terrible fate. Are you sure you haven’t heard that one? The main character’s name is Hercules; ring a bell? You can really see the resemblance between us.
Moving on then. Whether or not you have seen, or read, or heard, any of the stories based loosely on my life is a moot point. You, as well as everyone else conscious to theworld, have heard about me; and you, managed to find me. Quite a fantastical feat I must say, you making it all this way. I myself don’t know how to leave the city and its surrounding regions. So for that, I must applaud you.
Seeing as you are here, in my den, listening to me rabble, you already know my accomplishments; from my run in with the pirates, and my expedition into the mystery known as East Bumfuck, to my epic battles with Milton the Magician, and the mishap with a terrible penguin. They sound outlandish to you, but they, unlike the stories of me being a spy with the initials JB, are true! It just so happens, that at my age I have nothing better to do but share my adventures in their entirety, aren’t you lucky?
Now, it may seem logical to tell my adventures in chronological order. I guess it could be done this way, and would be traditional; but as you get older, you tend to find yourself with a lot of free time. There is not much crime around Queen City anymore and I’m not exactly in the condition to fight it even if it were. Don’t get me wrong; I could still take care of a thug or two, but there are people much younger now a day. It’s not the same as it used to be you know. Nope, my days of confronting the otherworldly are behind me. I spend most of my time here with my wife, and when I get fed up with her nagging, I come down to this den to work out the best relay for my adventures; a silly hobby maybe, but one suiting for an old man.
I think I have come up with the best story progression; and you, my friend, are going to be the guinnea pig. Excited? Good! I knew you would be; I could see it on your face when you walked through that door.
Don’t worry; I don’t expect much of your young attention span. The guest before you only made it through two stories before he stopped coming back. It’s sad; I enjoyed his company. You look like you’re in for the long haul. Do you think you can last? I hope so.
Just give me a few seconds to look over my notes here… hmm…ah yes, here we are. AHEM!
You’d think me a fool for what I did. However, until you listen to my account of the matter, you have no right to laugh. So sit tight, and ready your ears for long boring story mode; that is, if you can stay awake long enough.