|You came into our lives and we were beside ourselves. Your mother sat glowing, looking at the ultrasound screen. I was immobile, transfixed by your beauty.
I said so too. Your mother giggles and says you were just a dot still. I nod. But I still thought you were a beautiful dot. You were my dot.
Your mother asks how soon until we find out your gender and the doctor smiles, understanding our excitement. She says three more months or so.
Three months! In such a short time we would know what crib to buy you, what to call you, what school is best. Whether we would agree to a post high school Europe trip, it would either be a condescending yes coz boys will be boys, or a definite no coz there will be boys there.
You may be a blip right now but you are my blip and I love you.
It’s a girl! The doctor says. You are 5 months now, you are strong, your doctor says. You are no longer my blip, you are now my princess!
I love you, my princess. I cant wait to tell you in person.
Your mother looks at me and tries to bribe me with a penny to tell her why I'm smiling like an idiot. I tell her I'm mentally listing down all the rules I'm gonna lay down for when the boys come knocking at our door, to ask to see you. And that I would be putting it in black and white before you come.
She laughs delightedly and tells me that’s too far in the future. I tell her I better write it down now before you come and put me under your spell, and I will be forced to give you whatever you want.
This way, I said, I could hold on to written documents with regards to discipline. She said you'd probably have me wrapped around your chubby pinky finger at age two. She's probably right, and I actually look forward to it.
Emergency C-section, your doctor says, and that you're in distress. You are six months now. Your mother is scared, its too early. I tell her you will be okay, you were just impatient to start your life that's all.
You came into this world, I was both ecstatic and scared. You were 3pounds. They had to put you in an incubator 'till you were stronger. I told you it was a glass bed, only the best for my little princess. I also told you not to fret, that I would never leave. You just slept on, I guess this was something you already knew.
One night, I told you I loved you.You smiled. My heart stopped. I told the nurse on duty, she looks at me with a forced smile and tells me it was too early. They don't know anything, its our secret.
You have an amazing smile. You will break a lot of hearts someday.
Your lungs are weak they say, that you would probably not last through the night. You are 3 days old now. I held your hand, told you how strong you were.
You smiled at me again the next morning.You are so brave, my tiny warrior. A true survivor. Happy 4th day birthday,my love.
You are 6 days old today, and earlier you yawned twice while I was sharing a joke. Your mom does that too, but she married me anyway.
The doctors said you needed surgery, and that it was time to decide whether we should let you go, that your organs were starting to fail. Your mother cries and says she doesn't want you to suffer anymore. I said you were a warrior, that you will make it.
You told me so, with a smile.
You are getting bigger, you are 10 days old now. You survived your surgery, your lungs are stronger. Now your doctor tells me your heart is failing.
I look at you, trying to understand. My little princess so brave and strong. This world isn't ready for you, i think.
The doctor lets me hold you outside your glass bed, our first hug. You are so warm. Your mother gives you one last kiss. She gives us our last daddy time.
This was our tradition, you and I. I would tell you how my day went and you'd tell me about your boy troubles. I told you how that baby boy in the next glass bed would be devastated when you broke up with him. And you'd try to twist my arm with your charm and i'd finally agree to a first date.
You clutch my finger and you smile at me, I think you waited until I understood. Until i was ready. I am ready now, my love. I understand that you need me to be strong, that you want me to believe you will be okay.
I love you my little princess.
Daddy loves you.
Thank you for being strong and brave. For holding on for daddy.
Thank you for letting me know you, your beauty, your smile.
My days and nights with you are enough to fill a lifetime.
Thank you for making me a good father. Im sorry I was too strict.
You are my princess.
You are my love.
You are my warrior.
You are Daddy's little girl.
You squeeze my hand one more time and take your last breath.
Even in farewell you are exquisite.
My beautiful perfect princess.
This world is a dimmer place without your smile.