Just Another Day at The Office

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE

Not that I don’t adore my tiny cherubs, but being a stay at home Mom to a pair of almost 4 year old twins means I really need at least four hands. Today I’m a juggler, with one on hip, I try valiantly to grab the other butt naked instigator who decided to parade across our sidewalk shaking her booty and chortling “wook Mommy! I’m JayWoe - simmy simmy – yah yah – simmy simmy.” What happened to American Idol and Carrie Underwood!?!

Ok choices, time-out or nab & grab? Let’s see – choice 1 is only met with tearful declarations of remorse, while choice 2 shows I’m respecting “creativity”. I’m a writer, is there really any choice? No Siree….no way; can’t stifle my little artist, even if Addie across the street decides to launch a full scale neighborhood “shock and awe” campaign complete with fireworks about the little heathens living across the street. Oh crud – there go the curtains…I really shouldn’t…oh be free wicked wench within…

“Get a life Addie…the last time you were naked was probably 1955!”

Ok – maybe that wasn’t fair, I’m truly not a mean person or an awful mother but sometimes the things that woman says about my kids just turn me into an unrecognizable android! Oh well, on a brighter note; wicked wench within, hmmm - interesting alliteration, maybe I can use that…

“Oh my Jennifer Lynn; Mommy’s so proud of you - don’t you look pretty now that you have your bathing suit back on?” Dr. Spock does say that positive reinforcement pays dividends after all…

“Jamie say he hungwry, can we have for attle eye and ice kweem for upper Mommy?”

“You know apple pie and ice cream is for after supper, when you finish your hot dogs Jenn bug”

“Grammy say hot oggs bad!!!”

“Well Mommy say Grammy’s brain is constipated – can you say c o n s t i p a t e d? No, shhh Jamie – Mommy was only kidding – see Mommy smiling– No Jennifer Lynn – you will not repeat that! See Mommy eating hot dog – yummy! No, forget the C word…..listen - Mommy will sing you a song just like JayWoe!”

Oh I wish that Oscar Mayer made Martinis
That is what I’d truly like to see
Cause if I had an Oscar Mayertini
Everyone would be quite wobbly
Yes everyone would be quite wobbly

Oh boy – that’s definitely one for the “Bad to the Bones” folder…

“Mommy Mommy, we’re done…can we go wimming now?”

“No my little munchkins – it’s the sprinkler for you today because Daddy forgot to dump Mr. Froggy pool and Mommy doesn’t want you wimming in a black bayou swimming hole.”

Alas – what is that in the distance but my knight riding his white steed (really a blue convertible) - up the driveway intent to rescue his beautiful damsel and press her against his steely rippling (oh yeah, 13+ rating) – arms…

“Daddy! Daddy! We had hot oggs but Grammy can’t cuz her brain’s confiscated”

“Ah ha, well Daddy will have to talk to Mommy and make sure Grammy’s OK then won’t he? Can you go ahead and show Daddy how you run through the sprinkler?”

“Ok dear wife of mine, brain confiscated? So is my Mom in any mortal danger?”

“Oh Jim, you know how they muddle things, and Addie across the street was on the warpath again so I sort of lost my happy Mommy mode for a second or two. Anyways, Beth called and they’re having a Christmas in July sale at the Mall and we thought we might do dinner after, maybe be a little wicked…I have this sudden craving for a Martini…”

“Hey, you know I fully support wicked! Maybe have 2! Speaking of wicked - how’s the writing going? Am I getting any closer to being a “kept man” or should I keep my day job?”

“Well I don’t think we’re quite ready for retirement but I had a few moments…”


First Place in Writer's Cramp Contest July 4, 2012
(What can I say - it was a very SLOW entry day at the old Writer's Cramp)