Oh God I Wish This Was Fiction!

I’d pushed my dog’s cold nose off my bed three times, and hit the snooze button twice.

“Roh, can’t a girl catch a break?” I rubbed my always-itchy nine-month-pregnant belly, lumbered out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

When I opened the bathroom door, Roh sat there, looking at me expectantly.

“Okay already – go on out.” I let Roh out the front door. A new coat of fresh snow coated everything.

“Crap.” I’d have to allow a few extra minutes for my drive to work.

I hurried to the shower, and made quick work of it. I was mid-shampoo when I remembered I’d left Roh outside. I rinsed, grabbed my long white terrycloth robe, and belted it as best I could around my bulging belly. I wrapped a towel around my wet hair, and slid my feet into my fluffy pink slippers. I hurried for the front door.

“Roh!”

I didn’t see him, so I stepped farther out on the icy porch. As I did so, I pulled the door handle toward me so I might have something for balance. I breathed in a breath of the still, icy air.

Roh, all fifty pounds of black lab puppy, bounded up on the porch and headed straight for me. I put out both hands to stop him from running into me, and the door slammed behind me.

The shiny door handle blinked and winked in the morning sunlight. I was afraid to touch it. I knew it was locked.

I was nine months pregnant, and naked underneath my robe. My house was eight miles from town.

I looked down the long drive at the highway. Horror and mortification filled me as I imagined myself standing at the side of the snowy road, trying to wave someone down. I could see me standing there in my robe and slippers. My belly would probably peep out as I lifted a hand to flag someone. Flag, or flash? Oh god, I could suffer the humiliation, but what if someone kidnapped me for my baby? I discarded the 'help from the highway' idea almost immediately.

“Don’t be stupid.” I tried the door, and just as I thought, it was locked.

Tears squeezed out between my lids.

“Oh, that’s helpful.” I self-talked myself through various scenarios, and finally decided to do the obvious first.

“Check the back door.”

Pink furry slippers crunched through the snow around to the back. Roh thought we were going for a walk, and bounced all around, happy.

“Quit you stupid dog.” I gave him my best mean look, and he tilted his head, tongue hanging out at the side. I swear he smiled at me.

The back door was up three narrow metal steps. I held onto the metal rail and tried the door. Of course, that door was locked. I knew it was, but I had that “hope against hope” feeling racing around inside me.

By now, I was starting to get angry. My car wasn’t locked. I could sit inside it until someone came to find me. But I didn’t have keys to start it. What kind of an idiot puts herself, and her baby, in this position?

I tromped back around to the shed and started looking for a tool to break a window. The shed was remarkably empty of window breaking devices.

A snowy brick looked like my only option. I picked one up and took it back around to the back door. I wanted to break the small window on the back door and reach through and unlock it. I hit at it with the brick, and was disappointed to see a small crack in the window. This wasn’t going to work. I wasn’t strong enough and the angle was all wrong. What a time to have renewed confidence in the safety and security of your house.

I walked around the house. I started taking the screens off the lower windows and checking to see if they might be unlatched. No luck.

Finally, I remembered the latch on the dining room window was hard to close. I might be able to force it open. The dining room window, however, was not a low one.

I went back to the shed for a lawn chair, and propped it underneath the dining room window. The window opened easily. Now all I had to do was pull myself up through it. It would be an easy task for someone who wasn’t hefting around a bowling ball in her abdomen.

It was now or never. I eyed the chair and the stupid dog at my feet.

I pulled myself up off the chair, and rested my belly on the windowsill. The aluminum tracks from the sill cut into my palms and I could feel them on the underside of my belly.

I ducked through the window, and levered myself till I fell in like one of those tippy birds you see on the side of a drink.

Roh watched my pink fuzzy slippers fly through the window, and barked happily.

Darn dog.

I got up off the floor and went around and let him in.

I made my husband get two hide-a-keys before he came home. I never told him why.