Try Hard

I have always been told to be yourself,
but it seems women are looking for someone else.
So in these dire circumstances, amidst the drought,
I saw a self-help book and decided to figure this out.
Maybe it was called Women for Dummies, I forget.
I read that, plus ten more books, I bet.

Feeling well equipped with this wealth of knowledge,
I went down to the softball field behind my college.
"Heeelllooo ladies," I said with my most charming voice.
Angry stares and laughs mocked this choice.

I took it in stride and even laughed myself, at this whimsical theme.
How foolish to try and pick up girls that play for the same team??

So, from there I went back to my room and dressed.
An open ruffled white shirt, sure to impress.
I strolled confidently over to the local bar,
where I saw an old mate admiring me from afar.
"What are you wearing? You look absurd."
I smiled and pretended I hadn't heard a word.

He looked puzzled, obviously baffled by my new swagger.
I marched up to the hottest girl and her friend's eyes shot daggers.
This ugly troll guarded her princess with fierce vigor.
I dodged her blows and continued my tenor.

"Ahem, Do your feet hurt?" I said with a grin and gave my eye a bat.
"Does your head hurt? And why the hell are you grinning like that?"

I stuttered, "B-b-because you've been walking.."
"through your m-m-m-ind?" The troll was now talking.
My heart dropped as the hottie joined in, "all d-d-day?"
I laughed it off, realizing they too, were obviously gay.
I smiled and graciously bid them adieu,
and let them know that I enjoyed Ellen too.

To make a long story short I never gave up,
even though it would seem I didn't have the best luck.
I had tried every line from all eleven books,
fresh out of ideas by the time she gave me a look.
It was a girl who lived close to my dorm.
I asked, "Are you allergic to chloroform?"
At this she laughed- a joke, no doubt.
We hit it off- once she passed out.