Hello Stranger

Hello, this one goes out to you, Miss Stranger.
You read a lot so I'm sure you're aware of the danger,
that goes with online dating, so please beware.
Thick glasses, mustache, and a trench coat I wear.
I hope my attire doesn't hurt my plan...
Perhaps I'll leave the jacket and just bring the van.

Alright, if you're still reading you might have a shot.
But, my dear, lets see what else you've got...
I sing often and loudly, when in the shower.
I'm an ambitious bastard, hungry for power.
I'm overly sensitive and can't stand being toyed,
I'm happily drunk and gleefully unemployed.

Some might say I'm a little needy,
Oh yeah, and the jealous type, really greedy.
I might spend too much time in front of the mirror, it's true,
yet I swear I'm way, way more humble than you!
Don't turn your nose up at me because I'm a bit vain,
seen plenty of your kind's faces wash away in the rain.

Well, I don't own a vehicle so I hope you like to drive,
lost my license for awhile on that last dui.
If you have a kid and their father isn't dead,
not interested- that throws up a flag that's red.

To all you bigger girls, do not fret.
Went on a blind date and met the sweetest one yet.
A few pounds, not hard to shed. What can I say?
I burned a few last week, running the other way.
Now that may seem cruel but I tell you it was not,
before leaving I assured her that her personality was hot.

If you're still with me, you shallow, sexy, desperate fox.
I applaud you on being able to think out of the box.
Now on to some more things you might should know...
I really love video games and pajamas that glow.
When it storms I still enjoy building forts,
and underneath I've enjoyed a few romantic shorts.
Forgive me but I'm not a very giving lover.
I'll pretend I care though as I hover.

In reality, I'll be watching tv and imagining myself as a Nascar driver.
Give me a paperclip, bubble gum, rubber band aaand I'm out, like Macgyver.

If you're dissatisfied, I hope you won't put your experience on blast.
Just respect the motto: If you're not first, you're last.