Jimmy the Big Fat Ugly Blob

Jimmy was a big fat ugly man. He was racist, sexist, Anti-Semitic, an Anti-Environmentalist, a Republican and a Methodist.

He was a very patriarchal man, He lived with his wife and two daughters, being the Anti-Feminist Patriarch he was he believed it's OK to tease and make fun of women on a regular basis including the women who live with you on a daily basis.

Jimmy was very ugly, he had hairs growing out his nose and out his ears, his wife and daughters bought him a nose hair trimmer as a Christmas present but he was too stupid to take the hint and had yet to use it.

He was very, very stupid, He didn't know the difference between an amoeba and a paramecium, he didn't know how many species of orchids there are, he didn't even know how to pronounce the name of Comedian Greg Proops! All he knew was Asian jokes, Polish jokes, Homosexual jokes and how to trade stocks.

His oldest daughter...Let's call her Olive, on the other hand was smart and clever. She knew the difference between an American robin and a European one, she knew the secret lives of the Protozoa in their pool (Which hadn't been cleaned in ten years and was now officially a mosquito breeding ground therefore no one so much as dipped their pinkie toe in it)

She knew what cats and dogs says to each other, and what horses tell people.

She hated her Dad with a passion, she wished he would just go away.

Then one day, something happened.

Jimmy came home from work one day eat an entire bucket of fried chicken, and by that I mean he was literally eating the bucket.

It was very dark and rainy and cold, he didn't look where he was going and fell into the toxic swimming pool.

The combination of muck and slime plus whatever filth the chicken had been friend in, created a mutagen, Jimmy fused with a solitary amoeba and all at once he became a big fat blob!

The massive blob rose out of the pool insatiably hungry, he started eating the house his family lived in!

The Family woke up thinking it was an earthquake, imagine their surprise when they saw a giant Amoeba eating their house

They ran outside as their house was quickly absorbed by the big fat ugly blob.

Olive didn't know that gelatinous mess was her Dad, all she knew it was a vile abomination and must be destroyed

But first...Get all the people and animals out of the way before they became Blob Food.

She gathered all her animal friends, the cats and dogs, birds and rabbits, raccoons, opossums coyotes bobcats, lizards, snakes and turtles and let them up hill while the big fat ugly blob ate the neighbor's houses.

The Military was stumped, whenever they fired bullets into the blob it just them, it was even able to absorb nuclear missiles!

"This big fat ugly blob will soon destroy the entire universe and possibly Canada unless stopped!" Said the President.

"Look!" Said the Secretary of State, here on the Satelite picture of the United States there is one spot that the Blob hasn't eaten! It's completely green!"

There on that hilltop, was sacred garden, made sacred by Olive's magic drumming that she learned in a How-to book of Native American folk magic, there the plants and animals lived in harmony.

"Maybe this girl has the answers." Said the President

To be continued