drifting in a restless sea

I am drifting
Summer is ending
I am alone
I exist

Once in a while
I smile
But, when my uninvited company does not visit
A melancholy dims my shadowed future

I remember being told
I remember the promise

But ...

Today I yearn for that which is freshly lost
Tears fall when I allow myself to feel the flood

I loved

This storm agitates the sea to frothy crests
There is no mocking laughter or cruel slanders
I am drifting in a restless sea

In a sea of numb restlessness
My era of turmoil ever rending
By choice, separate from friends, my family
Where I am merely a shadow cast on walls

A ripple from another washes across my path
And I feel sad acceptance as I push myself away
I embrace the emptiness growing
I live one day and it is eternal

I will find acceptance and I will trust again
Love will be stronger

But ...

Still life visions, frozen memories, crystalline in my mind
Self pity so normal, so painful, and guilt not openly admitted to

I love still

I am washed with abandonments anger
For she cries also
Summer is passing

I'm a voice echoing in empty rooms
Without the threat of past interfences within

But I will love a new

Her anger is as great as mine
But my era of awakening painfully grows

I am still loved

We have merely betrayed ourselves.

I am drifting
In a sea of numb restlessness.

Summer is ending
My era of turmoil ever rending.

I am alone
By choice, separate from friends, my family.

I exist
Where I am merely a shadow cast on walls
I'm a voice echoing in empty rooms.

Once in a while
A ripple from another washes across my path.

I smile
And I feel sad acceptance as I push myself away.

But, when my uninvited company does not visit
I embrace the emptiness growing.

A melancholy dims my shadowed future
I live one day and it is eternal.

I remember being told
I will find acceptance and I will trust again.

I remember the promise
Love will be stronger
Without the threat of past interfences within.

But....

Today I yearn for that which is freshly lost.
Still life visions, frozen moments, crystalline in my mind.

Tears fall when I allow myself to feel the flood
Self pity, so normal, so painful, and the guilt not openly admitted to.

I loved.

I love still.

I will love a new.

I am still loved.

This storm agitates the sea to frothy crests.
I am washed with abandonment's anger.

There is no mocking laughter or cruel slanders
For she cries also.
Her anger is as great as mine.
We have merely betrayed ourselves.

I am drifting in a restless sea
Summer is passing
But my era of awakening painfully grows.

Originally written: September 1990
Revised: 17 July 2001
2nd Revision 2 August 2001

The other poems and a shorter and original version of this poem can be viewed in the following Journal: "Invalid Item"