Encouraging Words: How Are You?

A lady went to a marriage counselor. She explained that she wanted to divorce her husband, but she wanted to hurt him and make him suffer. The counselor was silent for a minute and then said, “What you need to do is go home and treat your husband as if you loved him dearly. Be extra nice to him and then after a month or two of that treatment, drop the bomb on him. The knowledge that you want a divorce will devastate him.” She liked the idea and agreed to do it.

About six weeks later, she came again to the counselor. He inquired if she had told her husband that she wanted a divorce and how he reacted? “Divorce!” the woman said, “I don’t want a divorce. I love him!”

Smart counselor, right? But this little story has much more value than just for couples. It carries a key ingredient to our actions and feelings. We have been taught that we act because we feel. Have you ever been asked to do something and replied, “I don’t feel like it.” Or did something and said or thought, “This feels right.”

Now, it can work either way. You can let your feelings influence your actions, however, feelings, like the leaves on a tree, change with ever gust of wind and the changing of seasons. In other words, you cannot trust your feelings to be consistent or true, but conversely, you can make your feelings follow your actions. Even if you're not happy, act like it and you will become happy. Try smiling and whining at the same time. Can’t do it. Wake up feeling grumpy. Tell yourself you're happy, feel good, and it’s a great day. At first you may feel like a hypocrite, but if you continue telling yourself, you will change and realize that you're fine.

Some depression is chemically based; something is wrong with our body that causes it. That requires medication. But much of our depression is event based. Our spouse forgot an important event and we're upset and depressed. We argued with a friend, or something we were hoping to get did not happen. Our supervisor criticized our work, or any of a thousand things happened that upset us and made us depressed. In these and other events that disappoint us, if we will tell ourselves that it is not important, and begin to act happy, we will discover that we are indeed happy.

I decided several years ago that I was not going to have any more pity parties, because when I did, I was the only one there. There was no cake and ice cream and I got no presents. So, I quit attending pity parties. Often, when someone says, “How are you?” I reply, “I’m good.” But sometimes I say, “I’m fantastic...but I'm gonna get better.” Usually, I get a “huh” from them, and then a big smile. You have the power to decide what kind of day you’ll have. Use that power.