My Life at Suggs I

I attended a small Southern college in Oudacyte the county seat of Sednwol County, which never quite became large enough for the students to become lost in the masses of numbers. On campus, we had four buildings: one housed the boys, another housed the girls, and the other two were composed of offices and classrooms. There was one other building which was built prior to the Civil War, but was used only by some of the local delinquents seeking refuge from the law or wanting a place to write poetry when the restroom walls were full.

The offices were housed in one room of the Throt Morton building named after our most famous student athlete ever graduated. His celib status resulted when he struck an obscene pose from the dressing room window after being thrown out of a baseball game for unnecessary roughness to the umpire.

The big event of the year was graduation. No expense was spared to make this an occasion to be remembered, and I will never forget this first and last commencement. It took place at the end of my first year. All eight candidates were seated on the stage in their white robes borrowed from the First Baptist choir. All the professors were decked out in the regalia of their respective schools. Professor Barney Grogran did look a little strange in his high school robe, and there had been persistent questions about his academic training.

Harriet Pettigrew, Professor of History spoke on “Success and the Suggs I Alumni,” citing examples from among the alumni to give hope to these who would receive their diplomas. However, her speech lasted only five minutes due to lack of material, and we were all left depressed at its closing.

Professor Pettigrew had been with Suggs I throughout its entire eight-year history. The undergrads referred lovingly to her as “the Nun,” because she wore black and looked like a praying mantis. She attended the St. Lorenzo Institute for the Mentally and Physically Handicapped (SLIMPH), and was graduated with a certificate in history and gold stars in writing, home living and ciphering.

Following the inspirational speech given by Professor Pettigrew, the Suggs I Players presented a drama entitled, “I Remember When,” under the direction of Sterling Finderbien, Professor of Musicology. Included in Mr. Finderbien’s resume is his graduation from Smith High School, with honors, and his exemplary career in the Sunset Correspondence Academy of Music (SCAM). Noteworthy in his tenure at Suggs I, he is the first to ever get his band on the field and all marching in the same direction between innings at a baseball game before the umpire could say, “Batter up! What the, get that band off the field!”

Mr. Finderbien’s direction of “I Remember When,” a dramatization of the founding of Suggs Institute was the highlight of the ceremony. Included was a portrayal of Orville Suggs being thrown out of State University for cheating, cutting classes, disrespecting teachers and displaying general stupidity. Following his expulsion from the university, he founded Suggs Institute, He then became its first president when he failed to make a passing grade and was asked to drop out by one of his teachers. He has since moved on to greater things at the local gas station. Also included was a cameo appearance by Throt Morton who recreated his picturesque pose from a window installed on the stage.

The most moving point of the whole evening was when Orville, dressed in his coveralls with “Smith’s Speedy Service” emblazoned on the back, came to the stage to present symbolically the diplomas to the lucky graduates. There was not a dry eye in the house, and my sides ached, too.

This was such an important event in my life because I realized Suggs Institute was not the place I needed to be. So, I left and began my career with Gates Associates Solid Salvage, Inc. (GASS) as Refuse Employee/Truck: Can Handler (RETCH).

But that’s another story.