I AM ALONE

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was trying to write something other than poetry. The goal here was to write something that hopefully expressed a sense of deep loss, sadness and guilt. I hope I have managed to do so.

         It's evening, which is the loneliest...the long hours before the darkness of night descends upon this city. As I walk along the crowded streets and peer into the windows of the houses along the way, I see families sharing their evening meal, laughing and talking about their day.

         I used to have a family. It used to be me that laughed and shared the evening meal. Now I walk along these streets...alone. All alone. The years have passed and yet it seems like only yesterday I was a part of a warm and loving family unit. Now I am alone, and the pain of that loneliness eats at me like a cancer...I see no sun at the end of the long tunnel I travel.

         Up ahead I see the park that I like to visit at this time of day. There is the bench where I sit and watch the hustle of men and women as they hurry home to their families. How I wish I had a family to rush home to! A pigeon lands by my feet, waiting for any little crumb I might have to give him...but I have none to spare...my life has no luxuries now.

         As the evening drifts into night, I sigh a deep sigh from the very depths of my soul. I have to go home now. Home. Home is no more...just an empty shell of a house that used to be a home. There is no laughter there anymore. There are no smells of dinner in the air. No dog barking and jumping and so happy to see me. No kids screaming and running through the house. There is nothing. Why do I go there? It is merely a place to sleep.

         With another sigh I lift my weary bones up and give myself a shake. I slowly retrace my steps until I find myself outside the door that once led into my home. How I hate to go in there. The memories haunt me the most when I am inside that cavern of a place. They are all around me and at times it is more than I can bear! Why? Why? Why? Why couldn't I have been with them on that terrible day? Why not me too?

         I can still see the smiles and laughter still rings in my ears. I see them getting into the car and driving out of the driveway. I still hear the screams as the truck ploughs into them. I can still smell the smell. How will I ever get over this? Will the memories torment me forever? Am I doomed to living my life with unending sorrow?

         "Time will heal all" my one-time friends say. What do they know? How can they even begin to comprehend what it is like to be me...to live with the knowledge I could have stopped them. I could have done something. If I had done what I was supposed to do, they would be with me now. It is my fault.

         Sometimes I hate them. Why did they leave me? They must have wanted to go. Then the guilt comes to visit. How dare I think such a thing? What kind of person am I? And once again the cycle begins. It is never ending. I will end before it does. I am doomed to live my life alone, on the fringes; in the shadows...never to be a family again. I don't dare. What kind of life would that be for anyone? So I am alone.