So Much More Than You Can See

If you are an immigrant, this probably resonates with you. Please, give this piece a read

A huge amount of thoughts can’t find a quiet place in your brain. Every cell is non-stop busy, but they don’t seem to come to any conclusion. Your heartbeat feels the tension, beating faster with every thought. Your body feels every nerve, every single breath is controlled by the whole organism. The wish to be heard and seen as the person that you actually are, is enormous. But as soon as you open your mouth… Everything you’ve learnt is not here anymore. You’re left with people staring, waiting for you to open your mind to them.
The words are coming out, but the people around you are not capable of understanding them. They don’t recognise these sets of letters and sounds, what you’re saying is a mystery to them. They’ve been taught another way to express their feelings. Their mouth has to follow other rules in order to say what it wants, and that’s what you call a language.
You came here to find a better life, but you ended up being a 5 year old who can’t even explain what he wants. You have to learn to speak again. And this takes time, a lot of time. You can’t just translate your soul that you’ve spent a lifetime building. People can’t see the real you, you simply can’t show how deep your thoughts are. The expression they have of you is not what you expect it to be. You try to bring these new words together, but it’s complete nonsense. All the bricks you’ve been building and working on for so long, are suddenly ruined. Nothing makes sense anymore, their words don’t resonate with you. Yours mean nothing to them too.
You have to start again. Brick by brick, rebuilding the bridge between who you are and what others can see. It feels insane. It really unlocks a new way of thinking, a new view on the world. So fascinating, but it also seems endless. You learn, learn, learn… But you are still different. Your old habits still show themselves, it’s so hard to get used to the new way of speaking. Something that has been with you since childhood won’t go away just like that. Your sounds tend to be a little different, your intonation doesn’t sound correct. An accent, something that most people never get rid of. A part of the old you, that stays forever.
Suffering doesn’t seem to end, some people might give up halfway through. The life of an immigrant is definitely not a fairytale. So next time you see one, remember: they are so much more than you can see.